Oink

I went out with an Irish Catholic girl once. It was very frustrating. You can take the girl out of Cork . . .

A Buddhist goes up to a hotdog stand and says, “Make me one with everything.”

Doctor, Doctor, I keep dreaming about these horrible sexual acts – sadism, bestiality, necrophilia. What should I do?”
Doctor says, “Forget it you’re flogging a dead horse.”

badab1ng

How do you make a hormone ?

Don't pay her.

Auld Yin

Nah, that really doesn't cut it.

geedee

Just seen a Dyslexic Yorkshireman wearing a cat flap!

Novocastrian

Malter Witty, geddit? Thought not.

Auld Yin

Oh I got it okay but it just wasn't funny.........at all.

Auld Yin

With apologies to Novocastrian.

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' and take them to their separate hotel rooms for an hour of pleasure.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.
His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of, "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE .... UGH! " " Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!" "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!" This goes on for the whole hour.
Later back at the bar, the second dwarf asks the first, " How did it go? "
The first mutters, " It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection. "
The second dwarf shook his head. " You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed.. "

geedee

I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper"

"Don't be silly," she said "You can borrow my iPad"

That spider never knew what f******g hit it.

Oink

An Irishman walks out of a bar.........HEY! It could happen!

caretaker

On my way home from the club last night I was attacked by 4 thugs. I managed to knock one out - I know it seems like an odd time for a w**k but I thought it might be my last chance.

Animal

9 WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F--K YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Animal

I keep having my profile on that dating website "Match.com" rejected. One of the questions is, "What do you want in a woman?". Apparently "my c ** k" is not an acceptable answer.

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Whats the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.

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A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?"
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat b*tch."

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I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.

Animal

Zebo, a half blind five year old south african orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Give just small donation of 2 dollars ……………..
and we'll send you the video, it's f ***king hilarious....

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A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; F@#$% off, you won't bring it back.

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rwin

This guy tells a pretty good story.

cjones

Thieves have stolen 30 crates of Red Bull from my local corner shop...

I just don't know how these people sleep at night.