Newton's 3rd law of Emotion:

For every male action, there's a female overreaction.

I took the bus to work the other day. On the seat on the other side was a beautiful Thai lady. I thought "please don't get an erection".

But she did.

I got really drunk at the club on Saturday night and decided to take a bus home, arriving safely and without incident, which is pretty lucky considering I'd never driven a bus before.

Did you hear about the accountant with constipation?
He used a pencil to work it out.

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your whole week.

Why's it called a WonderBra?
When it comes off, you wonder where the tits have gone.

Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.

The extrovert accountant - he looks at your shoes when he is talking to you.

I was in a car accident yesterday and this midget got out of the other car. "I'm not happy!" he said.

I said "Well then, which one are you?"

Just off 22 Minutes: A thief has broken into a sex shop and made off with a penis pump. Police say if he is caught they expect he will be hung.

Adult Scrabble
Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more useful when erect.

P N E S I

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the various social sessions over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea.

Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.

I have never driven a taxi before and am not sure where I got it.

Brevity is the soul of wit.

So this man goes to the doctor for a check up. The doctor is looking him over and tells him "you're going to have to stop masturbating". "Why?" asks the man. The doctor replies "because I'm trying to examine you".

Well, why are you not witty?

Now then, let's not derail this most excellent of threads.

My first name isn't Malter.

A turtle was sunning itself by the waterhole when a young elephant limped by. Tuttle asked what was wrong the elephant said he had a thorn in his foot. "No problem," said the turtle and quickly pulled the thorn out.

Forward twenty years and the turtle is sunning himself by the waterhole when a turtle eating monitor lizard runs up. Turtle is not so fleet of foot these days and is just about to become lizard lunch when a massive trunk appeared, picked up the lizard and threw it across the waterhole. "Thank you," said the turtle, "but why did you do that?" The huge bull elephant said, "don't you remember? Twenty years ago you pulled a thorn out of my foot." "But all us turtles look the same. How did you remember me?" said the turtle.

"Turtle recall," replied the elephant.