Farmer Jones has 3 daughters who were upstairs preparing for a night out with their boyfriends.

Early in the evening the first boyfriend shows up at the house and say, "Hello Mr. Jone. My name is Eddy. I'm here to see Betty. We're going out for spaghetti."

Mr. Jones calls her down and says, "Don't be late. Be home by 8."

A little while later, the second boyfriend shows up and says, "Hello Mr. Jones. My name is Joe. I'm here to see Flo. We're going to the show."

Mr. Jones calls her down and says, "Have a good time. Be home by 9."

Finally, the third boyfriend shows up. He says, "Hello Mr. Jones. My name is Chuck..."

Mr. Jones shot him.

At a job interview:
What do you think is your biggest weakness?
Honesty.
I don't think honesty is a weakness...
I don't give a **** what you think!
.
Teacher: What do we get from the chicken?
Little Susie: Eggs
Teacher: What do we get from the sheep?
Little Susie: Wool
Teacher: What do we get from the cow?
Little Johnny: ****ing homework

Priceless! Have forwarded this to someone I know who is doing an interview in half an hour!

A man and his wide are having sex when their son Johnny walks in on them. The son screams OH MY GOD and then runs out of the room. The father laughs and says to give the son a few minutes to calm down, and then he'll explain what was going on.

A few minutes later, the father walks into Johnny's room to find him having sex with his grandmother. The man screams OH MY GOD! Yeah, Johnny says. It's not so ****'n funny when it's YOUR mother, is it?

After South African authorities realised the difficulties of installing a GPS ankle bracelet to track the movements of Oscar Pistorius, they instead elected to use an older technology to ensure he stayed put.

They installed a cattle grid around his home.

Little Tommy Jokes

In school one day the Teacher asks the class to pick a word and use it in a sentence.

Little Tommy’s hand goes up first but Jessica gets picked.

Jessica: Cat

Jessica: My cat is grey and white

Teacher: Great answer and who would like to go next

Again Little Tommy’s hand goes up first but Robert gets picked.

Robert: Truck

Robert: My dad drives a blue truck

Teacher: Another great answer and who would like to go next

Little Tommy’s hand goes up and he finally gets his chance

Little Tommy: Urinate

Little Tommy: Urinate but if you had bigger tits you’d be a ten.

I thought this was going to be the one about painting a house with a small brush

Thought of that one but figured everyone had heard it before.

Remember these jokes (when I was a kid)?

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?

Ans: Bob

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs at you front door?

Ans: Mat

What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?

Doug.

What do you call a deer with one eye
.
.
A one Eyed Dear.


What do you call a deer with no eyes ?
.
.
No Idea


What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs
.
.
.
Still no Idea

What do you call a one legged Japanese lady?

Irene.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn't matter, he won't come.

What do you call a cat with no legs?

Dog food.

What do you call a lesbian dinasaur?
.
.
.
Lickalotapuss


What do you call a Russian with three testicles?
.
.
.
Whodyanickabolockoff.

What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur?

Doyouthinkhesaurus.


What do you call a gay dinosaur?

Megasoreass.