Someone just hit me in the head with a power tool - I was minding my own business when, 'Bosch'!
My brother went berserk when he went to jail, screaming incoherently, spitting at anyone who came within range, and smearing his own excrement on the walls... and I never played Monopoly with him again.

I'd landed my dream job, as a truck driver, hauling goods across the wonderful Mojave desert from California to Nevada and back.

On the first day of the job I was running low on gas and the GPS detoured me to a place that didn't exist, far, far away from the highway. Consequently, I ran out of gas and was stuck in the middle of the desert.

I thought I'd wait there for help but, as it was so hot, my two day supply of water was soon used up. I was hoping help would come soon but I was getting extremely thirsty.

I had to start recycling my own urine. It's not as bad as you think, at least at first.

After another 2-3 days my piss was drying up too. Filled with the fear of dehydration and a horrible sun baked death, I had no option but to drink a can of the load I was carrying in my truck: Bud light.

Fortunately I was rescued soon afterwards...

I call him Starsky

Starsky and Hutch

At a nursing home.... don't open if easily offended.

Two Newfies were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.
After a while the first Newfie says to the second, "If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"

The second Newfie crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even."

Dougal was a typical Scot. His wife Janet had just died and he wanted to place the least expensive death notice. He went to the newspaper office and wrote on the lodgement from, "Janet died." The clerk explained that there was a minimum charge and he could have five words. Dougal added three more words: "Janet died, Toyota for sale."

A guest at a Scottish B&B saw a tiny paper cup holding a thimble of honey at his breakfast setting and remarked, "Oh, I see you keep a bee!".

Nice but it would be "Toyota for sale, Janet died"

Jock's dead, rods for sale.

.

This one made me laugh out loud when I read it last night:

Following the shooting of Oscar Pistorius's girlfriend, police received a phone call about a suspect running away from the scene. He was described as being white, and between 5'11" and 8'3".

Police think Oscar Pistorious might have been drunk when he shot his girlfriend...he was legless when they found him!







Just tried to book my car into Kevin Websters garage, but he said he won't touch anything over 10 years old!

I borrowed this

A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed.

The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had their way with his wife.

A moment of silence passes and the guy says, "I can't believe they f****ed my wife after only five beers!"

Old, but we're out in Canada, a long way from the news:

What do you call the former Pope?

Ex-Benedict.