omg, so funny

Now that really did make me laugh out loud. I've often wondered that when there is an Alzheimers meeting advertised, does anyone ever actually turn up??

The Winter Boots

(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this)

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her
reception class pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots
still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher,
they're on the wrong feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was
putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and
scream, 'Why didn't you say so? ' like she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting
boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,
'They're my brother's boots. My Mum made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your
mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in three years.

So, finally, Lance Armstrong has admitted cheating. I'm now starting to doubt his story that he walked on the moon.

After being stripped of his titles, they say his trophy cabinet is nearly empty. All that remains is the Oscar he won for "Best Supporting Actress".

Anyway, it seemed pretty obvious to me there was something artificial about him and his family. I mean, just look at his brother, Stretch.

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!

-The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

-I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

-I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

-The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

-A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.”
“That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”

-I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

This video might make you giggle:

http://www.collegehumor.com/video/68...atic-discharge

If we're going down this road....

"Why do most women get married in white?"

A Jehovah's witness knocked my door last night. I said "in you come. Take a seat. What do you want to talk about?" He said "***** knows. I've never got this far before!"


An elderly couple who were both widowed, had been going out for a long time.
Urged on by their family and friends they finally decided to get married.
They went out to dinner and had a long discussion regarding how the marriage might work. After discussing finances living arrangements and so on, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex", he asked rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently" she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over to her and whispered:-------------------

"Is that one word or two"

[QUOTE=Inse;10506370]A Jehovah's witness knocked my door last night. I said "in you come. Take a seat. What do you want to talk about?" He said "***** knows. I've never got this far before!"


Very good.

Bought my missus a hamster fur coat for Christmas - we went to the fair last night and she was on the big wheel for 3 hours.

Tesco's in trouble again as human DNA found in Welsh lamb.
I love running along the beach with my girlfriend - until the LSD wears off and I'm dragging a stolen mannequin around a car park.

A bloke walks into a pub with a baby seal under his arm and asks the barman for a Coke and Canadian Club.

On the train, the other day, I said to this girl "You have semen on the back of your top."

"No, it's probably just yoghurt!" she replied.

I don't think so, I don't ejaculate yoghurt.