THE FUTURE OF SCOTLAND

If Scotland gains its independence after the forthcoming referendum, the remainder of the United Kingdom will be known as the Former United Kingdom (F.U.K.).

In a bid to discourage the Scots from voting 'Yes' in the referendum, Unionists have now begun a campaign with the slogan: Please Vote No For ***'s Sake! About which they feel the Scottish people can relate. Particularly those of Glaswegian genus !!

The Pope has sent his first Tweet, he wrote:

"Hello Ikea monkey, nice coat"

Bad news: I saw the doctor today and he told me I have xenophobia.

I must have caught it from one of those bloody foreigners.

A new club opened around here last week, with flyer advertising pole dancers!

So in I goes, and I spend about half an hour in there before the manager comes up to me and asks if everything's all right.

"I don't see a pole, I thought you were having pole dancers!"

"We do,"the manager replies as he points to two men dancing. "But don't ask me to pronounce their last names!"

Shoplifters with an Estuary accent take a lot of whisks.

I was walking through the cemetery earlier today and saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone.

I said, "Morning..".

He said, "No...Taking a shit."

Monica Lewinsky was dropping off a skirt at the dry cleaner. As she was leaving the clerk said, "come again."

She said, "no, just ice cream."

Good thing she didn't leave her blue dress, there was a wad of bills in the pocket.

Wouldn't it be brilliant if that nurse who topped herself suddenly turned up alive and well on Australian TV, saying, "Now THAT'S how to do a wind-up!"

I was hoping a reverse pranking was going on.

Dear Santa, Please send me a baby brother.



Dear Billy, Send me your mother

Harry and Paul at their best:

Why do scotch people wear kilts?

Skiing is going downhill fast.

Did you hear about the Jewish skier? He lost the shlalom race. By a tip.