Inse

Steven Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years. His glasses were smashed, he had a sprained wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees.
Apparently, she stood him up.

Greenhill

Funny photo from today's internet:

caretaker

My Scouse friend said he found a trampoline and a couple of bikes for his kids for Christmas on the internet. I asked what website he saw them on and he said Google Earth.

Animal

A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Man Utd. fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Man Utd. fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'

'Because I'm not a Man Utd. fan,' she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Man Utd. fan, then who are you a fan of?'

'I am a Liverpool fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Liverpool fan?'

'Because my mum is a Liverpool fan, and my dad is a Liverpool fan, so I'm a Liverpool fan too!'

'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Liverpool fan.

You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time… What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Man utd. fan.

----------

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.

The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'

The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'

Auld Yin

First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

Novocastrian

In the same vein and referencing a certain penalty kick in the 2004 Euros quarter finals...

Marco van Basten arrives at the Holy Gates. St.Peter welcomes a famous footballer to heaven with open arms. "Come in my son".

Next comes Jurgen Klingsmann, with similar outcome.

Then David Beckham shows up. St. Peter recognizes him too and says "I suppose you're looking for that ball?"

Greenhill

I woke up this morning with this playing in my head:

Animal

first Christmas Card

Oink

A horse walks into a pub and the bartender says: "Why the long face?" and the horse says: "I have AIDS".

caretaker

I said to the girlfriend 'We could do it Chilean Miner style' - she went 'Ooh does that mean I have to go down the shaft?' I said 'No, I'd just like you to pi$$ off for a couple of months.'
What's blonde, has big boobs, and lives in Australia? Salman Rushdie
How many Poles does it take to go on strike?
All of them
I shared a taxi with a Mexican once - he got the tires, I got the radio
How can you tell who loves you more, your dog or your wife?
Lock them both in the trunk for a couple of hours then open it and see who's glad to see you.

There were three hobos sitting around the campfire in the hobo jungle and one of them said, "You know, I wasn't always a bum, once I was a respected engineer, and I invented the automatic transmission and sold the patent to Henry Ford, but gbambling and drink ruined me and now I'm penniless. After a few minutes the second tramp says, I was a bestselling author not too many years ago, but women were my downfall, and now I can only live from meal to meal. After a few more minutes of silence the third hobo says, "Well, I wasn't always poor either, you know." One of the others asked, "Well what was your claim to fame?" He said, "Have you boys ever heard of syphilis?" "Yes, oh Jeez, did you invent syphilis?"
"No, but I was the major distributor on the west coast for twenty years!"

rwin

You're assembling Ikea cabinets one night and the dog and cat are watching.

Dog - I don't know what you're doing but it looks fabulous and I love you.

Cat - You wanker, you didn't read the instructions, you're using an allen key instead of a screwdriver, and you put the hinge on upside down.

Auld Yin

The only cow in a small village in Ireland stopped giving milk.
Then the village folk found they could buy a champion cow, called Morag, in Scotland.
So, they brought Morag over to Ireland.
It was a wonderful cow.
It produced lots of milk and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with Morag to get baby Morags,
so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put Nick, their bull, in the pasture with Morag but
whenever the bull got amorous, Morag would move away.

No matter what approach Nick tried,
Morag would move away from the bull,
and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise.
"Whenever Nick the bull tries to mount our Morag, she moves away.
If Nick approaches her from the back,
she moves forward.
When Nick approaches her from the front,
she backs off.
If Nick attempts it from the one side, Morag walks to the other side."
The Vet rubbed his chin and asked.
"Did you buy the cow in Scotland?"

The people were dumbfounded.
No one had ever mentioned that the cow they'd brought came over from Scotland.
"You are truly a very wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?

The Vet had a distant, wistful look in his eye:
"My wife's from Scotland..."

cjones

...Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the show?

caretaker

I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night - turns out he did fix the washing machine after all!

Animal

What can I say...