My wife has left me, because apparently I don't finish normal sentences the way they are supposed to be animal porn.

I don't have a pink shirt to wear for anti-bullying day, but as you can see I've bought one of the pink bracelets. Well, I didn't actually buy it, I took it off a fat ginger kid...

What about elephant jokes?

What's the difference between a JCB and a giraffe?




What's the difference between the Kenny Everett Show and the House of Commons?

An Irishman goes into a hardware store and asks for a potato clock.

"A what?!"

"A potato clock. I don't really know exactly what it is, but I start my new job at 9am tomorrow and my wife told me I'd need to get a potato clock."

How do you keep an intelligent person confused for hours?

Q: What's the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?

A: About 3000 miles.

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Irish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Da's a fisherman, his Da was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."

So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlKaZoom" the oceans were teaming with fish.

The English guy was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity.

Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlkaZoom - POOF" there was a huge wall around England.

The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."

Why couldn't the two elephants go swimming together?

why did the elephants have to get out of the swimming pool?

A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, “Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?”

The other night I was invited out with the girls. I told my husband I would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. At 3am I went home a bit loaded. Just as I walked in the door the cuckoo clock cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband might wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself with coming up with a solution to be late when totally smashed.

The next morning, my husband asked me what time I got in. I said midnight. He didn't seem mad at all, and I felt like I got away with it.

But then he said we need a new cuckoo clock.

When I asked him, “Why,” he said, “Well last night the clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'Oh shit,’ cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted'

What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?

Swim like hell.

You'll want to get your co-workers, family or fellow commuters to gather around and watch this with you. Crank up the volume

Chuck Norris doesn't call the wrong number. You answer the wrong phone.