Bloke walked into a bar with a giraffe. They both had a couple of pints. The giraffe collapsed on the floor. Bloke got up to leave.

"You can't leave that lying there" said the barman.

"It's not a lion, it's a giraffe" said the bloke.

My girlfriend said she had to split up with me because I couldn't finish ordinary sentences normally animal porn.

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.

Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'

Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.

Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'

Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'

23 reasons why parents shouldn't text....

Some of these are crackers.... enough to bring on belly laughs and tears!!

http://keep0smiling.blogspot.co.uk/2...-never-be.html

Einstein, Newton and Pascal decided to play a game of hide-and-seek.

Einstein was it. He closed his eyes and counted to twenty.
"Coming, ready or not" he called.
Pascal was nowhere to be seen.
Newton, however, was sitting on the floor, right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. With the chalk he had drawn a square, one metre to a side, in the middle of which he sat.

"Oh Newton, I've found you," called Einstein. "You're really not very good at this, are you?"

"On the contrary, my dear Einstein, I think you'll find I've won."

"Oh yeah? How do you work that out?"

"Here I am, sitting in this square. I am Newton, this is a square meter. You have found one Newton per square meter: you have found, in fact, one Pascal. I am therefore the winner."

What do you get when you cross and elephant and a rhino?

Elephino!

It would have been funnier if you'd worked in Schroedinger and Heisenberg.

But not bad anyway.

What do you call a Frenchman wearing loose sandals?

Philippe Pheloppe.

My brother recently told me that I don't understand irony.

Which is ironic, because it was raining at the time.

Each day a worker in a Soviet factory left pushing a wheelbarroow full of straw, and each day the guard at the gate searched thoroughly, running his bayonet in seeking contraband. One day the guard said, "Comrade, this is my last day - I'm retiring, please trell me what you've been stealing so I can finally sleep again!" "Wheelbarrows"..
Leonid Brezhnev was at his country dacha relaxing at the kitchen table with a few drinks when the wind blew the back door open. "Oh", he said, "The Chinese?"
How many Poles does it take to go on strike? All of them.
Marx hated the Slavs and Engels hated the Jews but between them, by God, how they loved the People!

The application I recently sent to Immigration & Citizenship Australia was denied due to my criminal record.

Which is a bit ironic, isn't it?

Like the dyslexic alcoholic who choked to death on his own vimto.
Or like Ernest Hemmingway, always shooting his mouth off.

I nearly choked to death that Friday night, after I sent my dyslexic girlfriend a sexy text "sit on my face".