Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
When I landed back from holiday in Jamaica, a beagle in the airport started pawing away at my luggage and whining. A customs agent approached and said, "We're going to have to have a look sir, my dog here tells me he smells drugs." I said "Drugs?! Me?, that's a laugh, you're the one with the talking dog!"

While walking to the pub last night, this guy came up to me and attacked me with a bat.

I couldn't believe how well he'd trained it.

What's "a kangaroot"?

The noise coming from the Geordie I locked in the basement last week.

I work with a guy from Newcastle, but he doesn't have a Geordie accent. It's uncanny.

That would have to be kanahgeroot. I speak as a closet Geordie.

Well, well, dear chap, not every person from Newcastle is a Geordie. We actually have some Scottish migrant workers and the odd (very odd) Mancunian.

Whoooosh!!!!

I wouldn't like to be his keyboard when he realises

What's the difference between a hillbilly and a son-of-a-bitch?
The Ohio River.
Half a world away, but the same thing.

Oh, was it uncanny? Bit of a stretch. Especially since "canny" is a Scottish word which may mean something a bit different in the Land of Cheapskates.

Caalm doon, pet, it's only a joerk.

Were you ever one of the Scottish migrant workers I mentioned?

I don't believe I have ever been to Newcastle, no.

Oh Blinding Light, Oh Light That Blinds -
I cannot see, look out for me!

Could ya hear the cheering from Lees End from in the closet then?