Selling my old dogging gear on ebay, no bids yet but plenty of watchers!

Two ladies of the night in Soho:.
So, 'ave you 'ad a good night then?
Oh, I suppose, I've been up and down my stairs 12 times.
Ooh, your poor feet!

My step daughter just said she doesn't like uneven numbers.

That's odd, I said.

Doesn't matter how many times I hear it.

It's still so well delivered I belly laugh

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DvHOXiP9O_Y

Police are looking for a man in connection with a series of assaults - six people have been stabbed in the arse with a knitting needle. A spokesman said 'he seems to be following some sort of pattern...'

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.

He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am!"

The woman replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be a mathematician" said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is probably technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "How did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.

The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my bloody fault."

A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon.

Search and rescue workers have found two survivors and recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

(I always liked this one!)

That usually has the caveat an 'Irish' cemetery, or some other nationality you wish to use.

Yes, I know, and being Irish I could add that bit in, or leave it out, or add in another nationality as you noted, ....but I just left it as it was.

A couple from a circus go to an adoption agency where officials are doubtful about their accommodation. They produce photographs of their 15-metre-long caravan in which the back half is a magnificently equipped nursery.

But what about education for a child whose family is permanently on the move? "We have employed an Oxford don who will teach the child all the main subjects, plus Mandarin Chinese and IT skills."

But, they persist, what about health? "Our full-time nanny is also an expert in paediatric welfare and diet."

The agency is happy and ask the couple what age of child they were looking for.

"It doesn't really matter," they say, "so long as he fits into the cannon."

I passed out at a party last night and someone put a teabag in my mouth. I went mental - nobody treats me like a mug!