From Dave Allen

Shaun catches a Leprechaun who tells him, "You caught me fair and square so I'll grant you three wishes, what would you like?"
Shaun scratches his head, then answers "A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty."
"Granted," replied the Leprechaun and produced the bottle.

Shaun drank it down and sure enough the bottle refilled. He tested it three more times, and each time the bottle filled up with Guinness.

The Leprechaun said, "you still have two more wishes, what would you like?"

Replied Shaun, "I'd like another two bottles just like the last."

An Essex girl is involved in a bad traffic accident. The paramedic rushes to her aid. “Whereabouts are you bleeding from?” he asks.
“Well,” says the girl. “Since you ask, bleeding Romford.”

What do Essex girls use for protection during sex?
The bus shelter.

Who did Essex Boy's car used to have the names on the windscreen?

So they both knew which side of the cars they were supposed to get into!

Don't you mean Why, not Who?..

My bad. Can a mod please edit it?

Thanks for noticing..

James Blunt and his Twitter comebacks. Not laugh out loud stuff but somewhat amusing:

https://twitter.com/JamesBlunt

I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."

Unbelievable what some people are into.

I went tae the hospital wae toilet brush stuck up my arse .. what happened here, asked the doctor .. well pal .. I met a wee burd at the club last night and a took hur hame ..ahh said the doctor .. she liked kinky things???
Naw pal I said .. ma ****in wife was hame.

Why is Janet Street-Porter a lot like marmite?

Because I don't give a shit about either one?

She's brown and sticky and spreads on soldiers?

Kleenex review on Amazon.

I stole a tv out of a neighbour's kitchen but I think it's broke - every channel is a spinning bowl of porridge.

A man recieved the following text from his neighbour:
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later a second text came in:
Damn autocorrect. I meant 'wifi', not 'wife'.