My message for today is "Be Positive". Below is a quick story about a positive attitude. I hope this helps you get through the day.

Positive Attitude

Late in the night he regained consciousness. He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.

He realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident.

She gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply,









"Can I feel your tits, then?"

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10154636606720713

Hilarous! On behalf of all drunk uncles......

The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.

"No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.

"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra."

The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

A BUDDY FOR DINNER




A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.

His wife begins screaming at him while his friend just sits and listens.
"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done. I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!

Why the hell did you bring him unannounced to our home?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."

What do you get if you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?

Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses. One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start.

The passengers begin glancing nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin. But at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, “You know, Bob, one of these days, they’re going to scream too late, and we’re all gonna die.”

I went to the supermarket the other day and this bloke started throwing eggs, butter and milk at me. How dairy.

I passed out at a party the other night and the fellows poured hot tea into my mouth. I went ballistic; no-one treats me like a mug!

At my local food store the other day, the guy in front of me at the checkout was buying a bag of crisps, a microwave meal for one, one small apple pie, bottle of pepsi and I was reminded of the joke where a cashier seeing similar purchases asks if he is single.

The bloke says sarcastically, "Yes. However did you guess?"

The cashier replies: "You're an ugly bastard."

Why do the French eat snails?

Because they don't like fast food.

Lance Armstrong
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong,
especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.

I was in hospital last week. I asked the nurse if I could do my own stitches. She said “suture self”.