I don't get that one.

Try this one then.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?



Put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and
said, "I'm so sorry, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed
away.

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you
haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just
be in a coma or something.

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room,
and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador
Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood
on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination
table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then
looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a
few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately
at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's
haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled
out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as
I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,
a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few
keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150.00!",
she screamed, "$150.00 just to tell me my duck is dead!?!"

"The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for
it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report
and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.00.

The queen was visiting Scotland and Alex Salmond stopped by.
HM: Good morning Mr. Salmond
Salmond: Good morning Ma'am, may I have your opinion
HM: Certainly
Salmond: When we gain independance, should we call it a Kingdom so I can be a King?
HM: Oh we don't like that
Salmond: How about a Princilality? Then I'd be a Prince?
HM: Lets just call it a country

Should repost in Scottish thread too.

Magician tries to sell weed to a cop.

I’ve just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome.
The first couple of chapters were awful, but by the end I loved it.

I just had a so-called holiday of a lifetime. I won't do that again.

Some bighead border cop with a beagle came up to me at the airport and said "My partner here tells me you may have drugs on you." I said "What? Drugs! Me?! You're the one with the talking dog!"

Paris police have revealed that 51kg of cocaine has gone missing from the evidence locker at their central headquarters. The chief of police vowed that if necessary they would stay up all night in an effort to catch the culprits, and tomorrow night, then maybe hit a club or something.

How much do Cockney's pay for shampoo...Pantene

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and an African…

walk into a restaurant.

“I’m sorry,” says the maître d’…

“You can’t come in here without a Thai.

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Tell me some good things about Switzerland. Well, the flag is a big plus ...

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What's the biggest insect? A giant.

What's brown and hairy and has a name that contains the letters "c", "n", "t" and "u"?