Greenhill

This morning, the wife told me "I want to slowly unzip you, then give you deep throat."

"Really!" I replied with a big grin.

Then she says "NO! Hahahaha! April Foogarhhhggghgghhjg...."

That'll teach her to try to be funny.

Steve_

Ooh appropriate joke for British expats... let me think...

What's the difference between Australia and yoghurt?

If you leave yoghurt alone for long enough it develops a culture.

caretaker

A man was sentenced to a term in penitentiary and the first time he was in the shower room a big bodybuilder type came up and said, "Ok fish, being new you're going to have to have sex with me, and there isn't a damned thing you can do about it. The only say you have is if you want it with spit, or without." The man thinks, 'Well, with spit it might at least be a little less painfull', so he says, "W-w-with." The convict yells across the room, "Hey Spit, get over here, the new guy wants a threesome!"

BristolUK

What do you call a singing laptop?

A Dell

DaveLovesDee

After a major Microsurgery Congress, an American surgeon, a German surgeon and a British surgeon meet in the pub for a drink. Inevitably, they start to talk shop and boast about their achievements.

"A worker in an automobile factory got caught up in a press for sheet metal," says the American surgeon. "All that was left of him was a thumb, so we took it, constructed a new hand, a new arm, a torso, head, legs and so on. The resulting worker was so capable that he put 50 other guys out of a job."

"That's nothing," says the German surgeon. "Last month a young man had an accident in one of our nuclear power stations. All we could find was a single hair, so I took the hair and constructed a new head, a new brain and a complete body. The young man is now so efficient that he has put 200 other men out of a job."

"You think those are achievements?" says the British surgeon. "I was on the street a few years ago when I smelled a fart. Quick as a flash, I pulled out a plastic bag and caught it, then took it to my clinic. I used the matter to create a new anus, then I used my patented techniques to flesh it out until I was able to build a completely new body - with a head and a brain. This bloke is so amazingly efficient that he's put hundreds of thousands out of a job."

"Why haven't we heard of this?" says the American. "What's his name?

Animal

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out of the front door and our cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put in the back yard again.

Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.

"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked ! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard.... She had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."

The silence in the taxi was deafening......

Auld Yin

For aficionados, or not, of Downton Abbey

His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.
"May I ask you a question my Lord?"
"Go ahead Carson" said his Lordship.
"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on."
"What word is that?" said his Lordship.
"Aplomb" my Lord.
"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self assurance or complete composure."
"Thank you my Lord, but I'm still a little confused."
"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"
"I remember the occasion very well, my Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."
"Also", continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"
"I was present on that occasion, my Lord, ministering to their needs."
"While plucking the rose a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."
Carson replied, "I witnessed the incident my Lord and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."
"That evening the prick on his thumb was so sore, Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate, even though it was extremely tender."
"Yes my Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."
"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate enquired of Will with a loud voice,'Darling does your prick still throb?'"
And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee!

Now that is aplomb!”

Auld Yin

Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The lads go along there, only to be told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.
That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I had the best wank last night."
The guy on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".
The guy in the middle says,

"I dreamt I was skiing."

mandymoochops

I just tried to give you karma for this but it says "you cannot give karma to this post"??????? Odd, I've never come across that before!!!

Anyhoo, funny as f***

geedee

One of my principle goals in sending out and forwarding email is to occasionally bring to your attention certain materials that might be considered to be academic in nature. This to challenge your thought processes and perhaps gel some of those finer philosophical values that present themselves as dilemmas at some point in our lives. Mendel's Defecatory Principle is presented in that spirit. Enjoy and just sit back and think about it!!

This is a deceptively simple philosophy that an exceptionally gifted friend has been slaving over and refining for most of his life. I am delighted to report that he has fine-tuned the principle to its absolute quintessential essence. This he has completed to a degree that it may now be shared with a select band of friends that may appreciate its elegance and simplicity. This is Nobel Prize material. Especially when you take into consideration the criteria for winning the Peace Prize.

rwin

BristolUK

I just exploded

JimandBettina

Fart!!

.........


..........

er, sorry, I thought we were telling Canadian jokes!

caretaker

What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
You cry when you pull the skin off an onion.
.
How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine?
Just one, but you gotta feed him through real slow.

JonboyE

A World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps is walking down the High St. one day when he spots an advert in his local record shop for "Wasp sounds from around the Globe". On further enquiry he discovers that a vinyl recording of this subject has just been released and a few copies are available in store there and then.

Naturally, being a World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps he is curious and asks the young chap behind the counter if he can have a listen to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe". A few seconds later the World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps is standing at one of those little sound stations with his headphones on and a puzzled expression on his face. He removes the headphones, walks back to the counter and catches the young sales persons attention.

"Excuse me" he says, "I'm a World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps and I've just been listening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe", and I must say, there appears to be some mistake. Those are no Wasp sounds with which I am familiar".

The young man dutifully checks the recording in question and assures the World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps that he is indeed listening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe". Puzzled, the World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps returns to the headphones and once again begins to listen. After a few seconds he once again returns to the counter and accosts the young fellow there.

"Excuse me" he says, "As I mentioned before, I am a World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps and I've just been listening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe" and I have to say again, those are no Wasp sounds with which I am familiar. Are you certain I have been listening to the correct recording?"

Slightly exasperated by now, the young man checks the disc currently playing and with a slightly sheepish grin confesses:







"Oops, sorry Sir, I seem to have played you the Bee side"

(Coat got)