He's obviously only just twigged.

He can't cedar jokes for alder puns.

What a sap.

This ent got anything to do with you, maplease.

Hey, I'm knot going to take this. Ooh leaf me alone, you birch.

I once bought a Glaswegian Christmas tree.

It was deeply rooted in pot but left needles everywhere

We all know your bark is worse than your bite.

I was standing in a bar in town yesterday and this little Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.

I said to him, "Do you know any martial arts, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, why the fluck you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee"?

"No", I say, "It's because you're drinking my beer you little prick".

Yew don't need to snap.

The toilets at a local police station have been stolen.
Police say they have nothing to go on.



Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”

Juan and Jose had been running from the posse for 3 days, dodgeing bullets as they ran.
They were starving and hopeless when in the far distance Juan spots a tree
"Quick Jose I see a bacon tree" sez Juan, they run to it only to be met by a hail of bullets.
With his dying breath Jose sez " Juan, ees no a bacon tree - ees a ham bush"

Two monkeys are having a bath. One turns to the other as says,
"Oo oo ah ah!"
The other replies, "Well, put the cold tap on then."

An exhibitionist was thinking of retiring, but he decided to stick it out for one more year.

A polar bear walks into a bar.

"I'll have a beer.............................................. .....

............................................and a shot of whisky."


The barman says, "Why the big paws?"

This guy goes to see a talent agent.

"So, what can you do then sonny?" says the agent.
The man tells him, "I do great bird impressions."

The talent agent, unimpressed, says "Piss off mate, I've got thousands like you on the books already."

So he flew out the window.

A skeleton walks into a bar. "I'll have a pint please, mate," he said. "And a mop."