Originally Posted by Ruby Murray

Oh dear ...I happen to mention the emotional detachment my OH displays towards his kids in order to give people an insight as to why my feelings are pretty much cold towards him these days......and then so many of you then tell me you've all had fathers that were like that growing up and grew up ok from it. I'm sorry for you lot that had dads that could not display outward affection, but I am really glad that you all grew up balanced and were able to give affection towards your own kids (as well as still feel such love for your Dads)

My childhood was filled with lots of open shows of affection, encouragement and "I love you's" and all I wanted was for my own children to experience the same love my sister & I received - no crime in that. I accept that my OH "Is what he is" and that I can't change him....but it doesn't mean I have to like it, or stand by him "because he is made that way". Yes, he had a harder upbringing to me as the last child of 7 kids...his Dad walked out on his mum when she was pregnant with him. They had little money but he was spoilt rotten and allowed to do/say what he wanted because he was his mum's last baby!!

At the time I met him in 1988, he had the worst imbalanced mood swings I'd ever seen in a boyfriend and I constantly question myself what on earth I was doing with a man like that as he was so different from my previous boyfriends. I kept giving him chance upon chance whenever he hurt me so much. By the time we started living together, that's when he became controlling and "handy". I put up with this volatile behaviour until my son was about 2 years old and I expressed with such verbal agression that if he ever laid another hand on me again, I would be out of his life forever and he knew I truly meant it. Hand on heart, since then, he has never hit me, but he can be verbally abusive instead, which the kids are on the receiving end too - my daughter mostly. And I can't stand by and put up with all the verbal bullying against an 11 year old. All this that I've just mentioned here is just a shard of what I've been through in the past 21 years....and I don't want no pats on the back for sticking it out so long because there are 1,000's of women who live true fear with their spouses daily. All I need is a thorough kick up the arse to sort my head out and say the words I've been wanting to say for years now....."I don't love you and I don't want this relationship to continue anymore".

Kind of contradicts my original question now doesn't it? What I should have asked is "Would you stick it out in a country with a man you no longer feel any love for, for the sake of keeping him happy, or for 'keeping the family together'?" Not so long ago, there was a poster on here called Mary1967...she's no longer posts unfortunately...but by god, did that woman have a set of balls!! She took no crap, made her mind up that she was leaving her husband, packed up and left without giving a stuff what people thought of her actions!! I want whatever she was drinking

Cricket1.....just a question to ask you.....I know a lot of us women have a tendancy to blame our fellas for the way our lives have turned to sh!t and don't do anything about it.....but I don't know how to go about walking away with no money, nowhere to go, no vehicle to drive me anywhere to get away, worried about repercussions with OH..etc. I am SCARED of what lies beyond "I want out of this relationship now"

Sorry, bit of a long one again that wasn't it I'll probably regret writing all this by the morning....talk about my life as an open book!!!
Good Night all xx

Originally Posted by Ruby Murray

Oh dear ...I happen to mention the emotional detachment my OH displays towards his kids in order to give people an insight as to why my feelings are pretty much cold towards him these days......and then so many of you then tell me you've all had fathers that were like that growing up and grew up ok from it. I'm sorry for you lot that had dads that could not display outward affection, but I am really glad that you all grew up balanced and were able to give affection towards your own kids (as well as still feel such love for your Dads)

My childhood was filled with lots of open shows of affection, encouragement and "I love you's" and all I wanted was for my own children to experience the same love my sister & I received - no crime in that. I accept that my OH "Is what he is" and that I can't change him....but it doesn't mean I have to like it, or stand by him "because he is made that way". Yes, he had a harder upbringing to me as the last child of 7 kids...his Dad walked out on his mum when she was pregnant with him. They had little money but he was spoilt rotten and allowed to do/say what he wanted because he was his mum's last baby!!

At the time I met him in 1988, he had the worst imbalanced mood swings I'd ever seen in a boyfriend and I constantly question myself what on earth I was doing with a man like that as he was so different from my previous boyfriends. I kept giving him chance upon chance whenever he hurt me so much. By the time we started living together, that's when he became controlling and "handy". I put up with this volatile behaviour until my son was about 2 years old and I expressed with such verbal agression that if he ever laid another hand on me again, I would be out of his life forever and he knew I truly meant it. Hand on heart, since then, he has never hit me, but he can be verbally abusive instead, which the kids are on the receiving end too - my daughter mostly. And I can't stand by and put up with all the verbal bullying against an 11 year old. All this that I've just mentioned here is just a shard of what I've been through in the past 21 years....and I don't want no pats on the back for sticking it out so long because there are 1,000's of women who live true fear with their spouses daily. All I need is a thorough kick up the arse to sort my head out and say the words I've been wanting to say for years now....."I don't love you and I don't want this relationship to continue anymore".

Kind of contradicts my original question now doesn't it? What I should have asked is "Would you stick it out in a country with a man you no longer feel any love for, for the sake of keeping him happy, or for 'keeping the family together'?" Not so long ago, there was a poster on here called Mary1967...she's no longer posts unfortunately...but by god, did that woman have a set of balls!! She took no crap, made her mind up that she was leaving her husband, packed up and left without giving a stuff what people thought of her actions!! I want whatever she was drinking

Cricket1.....just a question to ask you.....I know a lot of us women have a tendancy to blame our fellas for the way our lives have turned to sh!t and don't do anything about it.....but I don't know how to go about walking away with no money, nowhere to go, no vehicle to drive me anywhere to get away, worried about repercussions with OH..etc. I am SCARED of what lies beyond "I want out of this relationship now"

Sorry, bit of a long one again that wasn't it I'll probably regret writing all this by the morning....talk about my life as an open book!!!
Good Night all xx

Originally Posted by cricket1

A pat on the back for putting up with it so long??? Are you for real? Woman, you need a slap for putting your kids through it never mind yourself. And you're only sick of it now?
Get off your martyr platform, stop whining and start planning. My father broke my mothers arms in front of me and beat all of us up on a regular basis.
I don't speak to my mother or father for making my life such a misery when I was a child. You knew the guy was a pillock before you married him. Wake up and learn something.

Originally Posted by cricket1

A pat on the back for putting up with it so long??? Are you for real? Woman, you need a slap for putting your kids through it never mind yourself. And you're only sick of it now?
Get off your martyr platform, stop whining and start planning. My father broke my mothers arms in front of me and beat all of us up on a regular basis.
I don't speak to my mother or father for making my life such a misery when I was a child. You knew the guy was a pillock before you married him. Wake up and learn something.

Originally Posted by cricket1

A pat on the back for putting up with it so long??? Are you for real? Woman, you need a slap for putting your kids through it never mind yourself. And you're only sick of it now?
Get off your martyr platform, stop whining and start planning. My father broke my mothers arms in front of me and beat all of us up on a regular basis.
I don't speak to my mother or father for making my life such a misery when I was a child. You knew the guy was a pillock before you married him. Wake up and learn something.

Originally Posted by Rete

Cricket1's post seems to many as very harsh but if you step back and read Ruby's post that she was responding to, you will see what Cricket was telling her what many of us might well be thinking. Ruby has put up with physical, mental, emotional and verbal abuse for what 20 years and only now whats to separate herself and her children from the abuse. Taken in that light, the response was not mean or harsh but very realistic. Sometimes a person needs to be forcible jerk into seeing what is in front of them.

It has nothing whatsoever to do with having sympathy or empathy. It is about being truthful and caring, and is sometimes called "tough love."

Originally Posted by cricket1

A pat on the back for putting up with it so long??? Are you for real? Woman, you need a slap for putting your kids through it never mind yourself. And you're only sick of it now?
Get off your martyr platform, stop whining and start planning. My father broke my mothers arms in front of me and beat all of us up on a regular basis.
I don't speak to my mother or father for making my life such a misery when I was a child. You knew the guy was a pillock before you married him. Wake up and learn something.

Originally Posted by Rete

Cricket1's post seems to many as very harsh but if you step back and read Ruby's post that she was responding to, you will see what Cricket was telling her what many of us might well be thinking. Ruby has put up with physical, mental, emotional and verbal abuse for what 20 years and only now whats to separate herself and her children from the abuse. Taken in that light, the response was not mean or harsh but very realistic. Sometimes a person needs to be forcible jerk into seeing what is in front of them.

It has nothing whatsoever to do with having sympathy or empathy. It is about being truthful and caring, and is sometimes called "tough love."

Originally Posted by Ruby Murray

Sorry Rete..I most certainly don't agree with your statement. I know I need some words of encouragement right now, but that was an outrageous attack and for you to allow it as a willy-nilly acceptable response has disappointed me deeply.

Originally Posted by cricket1

Divorce isn't death and children DO leave home regardless of the situation. There are hello's and goodbyes in every situation. You have a simple choice and so does Ruby. You either take control of your direction in life or let life control your direction regardless of whether it's for better or worse. One thing you cannot do is regret your life. There are better times than others to take the leap. Right now may not be the best time to leap anywhere but it shouldn't stop you from planning your new direction, only when it starts to happen.

You have a life independant of your husband and children. You can live it any time you want. While you have to be sensible and responsible towards your children, life isn't supposed to be a prison sentence just because you married someone who isn't on the same boat you're on. Set your sail, dream your dream, make a plan and then pick the right time for it all to start happening,
Jeeez, you women. Stop making your husband and kids the excuse for not having a life.

Originally Posted by Rete

Cricket1's post seems to many as very harsh but if you step back and read Ruby's post that she was responding to, you will see what Cricket was telling her what many of us might well be thinking. Ruby has put up with physical, mental, emotional and verbal abuse for what 20 years and only now whats to separate herself and her children from the abuse. Taken in that light, the response was not mean or harsh but very realistic. Sometimes a person needs to be forcible jerk into seeing what is in front of them.

It has nothing whatsoever to do with having sympathy or empathy. It is about being truthful and caring, and is sometimes called "tough love."

Originally Posted by oldbag

Yes, sometimes "tough love" is needed, but I think cricket was being unnecessarily harsh.....