Is my man being a stubborn @rseh*le or am I acting like a spoilt moo?
Jan 13th 2009, 7:06 pm
#91
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Re: Is my man being a stubborn @rseh*le or am I acting like a spoilt moo?
While giving some sound advice, Cricket1 seems to see everything as black and white, assuming everyone is able to make the same choices in a detached way.
That baseball bat may divert attention away from what could otherwise be useful.
That baseball bat may divert attention away from what could otherwise be useful.
Jan 13th 2009, 7:12 pm
#92
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Re: Is my man being a stubborn @rseh*le or am I acting like a spoilt moo?
For the record.....
I am NOT a battered wife and NOR are my kids - I haven't had a slap off him in 15 years! And he has never "battered" his kids either.
On the whole, these days he is a hard working man that does his best to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table - he just can't express affection, say nice things and loses his patience a lot. It hasn't always been 100% sh!te, there have been fun and stable times too which can put you in a sense of feeling that life is getting better. That's why women who do suffer from Battered Wife Syndrome stay in violent relationships that we would normally say "get the hell out"....they believe that the goodness that occurs in the relationship overpowers whatever bad times happen and they believe the apologies and sincerity from their partner that "it'll never happen again". I believed it myself years ago, and although he has tried his best over the years, the damage has already been done and it's been a steady decrease of respect and love over the years. I can't give back what died years ago and I realise I've stayed in this room-mate relationship purely to give the kids a Mum & Dad.
And finally, the pull of my loving family and friends back home far over-rides the emptiness here - no contest! I'm just stuck financially in making the move. I AM prepared to "sock it to him" but it's very difficult not having the money to do so and get plans in order.
Anyway, enough of it now - my brain's aching like a biatch! Thanks for everyone's input.....I have lots to go on in helping me reach my decision and make action.
I am NOT a battered wife and NOR are my kids - I haven't had a slap off him in 15 years! And he has never "battered" his kids either.
On the whole, these days he is a hard working man that does his best to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table - he just can't express affection, say nice things and loses his patience a lot. It hasn't always been 100% sh!te, there have been fun and stable times too which can put you in a sense of feeling that life is getting better. That's why women who do suffer from Battered Wife Syndrome stay in violent relationships that we would normally say "get the hell out"....they believe that the goodness that occurs in the relationship overpowers whatever bad times happen and they believe the apologies and sincerity from their partner that "it'll never happen again". I believed it myself years ago, and although he has tried his best over the years, the damage has already been done and it's been a steady decrease of respect and love over the years. I can't give back what died years ago and I realise I've stayed in this room-mate relationship purely to give the kids a Mum & Dad.
And finally, the pull of my loving family and friends back home far over-rides the emptiness here - no contest! I'm just stuck financially in making the move. I AM prepared to "sock it to him" but it's very difficult not having the money to do so and get plans in order.
Anyway, enough of it now - my brain's aching like a biatch! Thanks for everyone's input.....I have lots to go on in helping me reach my decision and make action.
Last edited by Ruby Murray; Jan 13th 2009 at 7:27 pm.
Jan 13th 2009, 7:18 pm
#93
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Re: Is my man being a stubborn @rseh*le or am I acting like a spoilt moo?
I agree with Iain that it's a bit of both and that, most definitely, being depressed will cloud your judgement.
Before I go any further, let me first off say that I'm really sorry to hear about your situation, both in terms of dealing with depression (perhaps the least understood major illness of them all), and with your mother's illness.
Having said that, let me play Devil's advocate for a bit:
First, everyone who goes overseas and leaves older relatives behind knows that at some time they will grow older and frailer. It surprises me that (seemingly) most couples in this situation haven't discussed the "What if?" question before they leave. I know that sometimes things take us by surprise (a parent develops a major illness before their time, for example) but in most cases I've seen on here, it seems people don't discuss these things until they actually happen - and then there are major decisions to be made, often in a hurry. It can be a gut-wrenching situation.
Second, I have to put your husband's (and son's) side of things, bearing in mind the above. They have both made major life changes that, presumably, were family decisions agreed upon by everyone. The fact you bought your house so recently tells me that this was intended to be at least a semi-permanent move. In this case, it must be very difficult for the two males in the family to be asked to give all this up (and I'm sorry, but when I read the "If he loved me ..." line, it made me cringe. Using statements like this constitutes emotional blackmail ...).
Having said these two things, I can absolutely identify with how you feel being all the way over there and wanting desperately to be over here (and not just because you miss Tesco's and British banter like many people on MBTTUK, but because the woman who brought you into this world needs your help.)
If you did go back, is the plan to live with and care for your mother? If so, is it at all possible that you and your daughter could do that, and your husband and son could stay behind? I know this is not the perfect situation, but it would allow you to care for your mother, but would not burn the family's Canada bridges. So often on here I see situations described as "all or nothing" (either we all go home or we all stay here; I'm not happy here and don't want to stay in this country, therefore I must go home, 1,000's of miles away; I'm thinking of going back to the UK and if I do, it must be a permanent move). This leads to the burning of major bridges and leaves few options (and leads to major heartache).
If you tried this, at least your and your daughter's immediate needs would be satisfied, and husband/son's immediate needs are satisfied.
It also gives you options. In a year, you might decide as a family to resettle in the UK. Or, who knows, you might look back at this time and say "God, my mum's illness and my depression really clouded my judgement. I am really glad I came back, but also realise that long-term I want to make Canada work"
You can tell me I'm talking crap if it makes you feel better, but I hope you know I'm just trying to help you think through the options.
Regardless, I don't think your husband is being an @rseh*le, he's just being human. And you aren't acting spoilt, you're just (understandably) very emotional.
Good luck to all of you, and please let us know what's happening.
Before I go any further, let me first off say that I'm really sorry to hear about your situation, both in terms of dealing with depression (perhaps the least understood major illness of them all), and with your mother's illness.
Having said that, let me play Devil's advocate for a bit:
First, everyone who goes overseas and leaves older relatives behind knows that at some time they will grow older and frailer. It surprises me that (seemingly) most couples in this situation haven't discussed the "What if?" question before they leave. I know that sometimes things take us by surprise (a parent develops a major illness before their time, for example) but in most cases I've seen on here, it seems people don't discuss these things until they actually happen - and then there are major decisions to be made, often in a hurry. It can be a gut-wrenching situation.
Second, I have to put your husband's (and son's) side of things, bearing in mind the above. They have both made major life changes that, presumably, were family decisions agreed upon by everyone. The fact you bought your house so recently tells me that this was intended to be at least a semi-permanent move. In this case, it must be very difficult for the two males in the family to be asked to give all this up (and I'm sorry, but when I read the "If he loved me ..." line, it made me cringe. Using statements like this constitutes emotional blackmail ...).
Having said these two things, I can absolutely identify with how you feel being all the way over there and wanting desperately to be over here (and not just because you miss Tesco's and British banter like many people on MBTTUK, but because the woman who brought you into this world needs your help.)
If you did go back, is the plan to live with and care for your mother? If so, is it at all possible that you and your daughter could do that, and your husband and son could stay behind? I know this is not the perfect situation, but it would allow you to care for your mother, but would not burn the family's Canada bridges. So often on here I see situations described as "all or nothing" (either we all go home or we all stay here; I'm not happy here and don't want to stay in this country, therefore I must go home, 1,000's of miles away; I'm thinking of going back to the UK and if I do, it must be a permanent move). This leads to the burning of major bridges and leaves few options (and leads to major heartache).
If you tried this, at least your and your daughter's immediate needs would be satisfied, and husband/son's immediate needs are satisfied.
It also gives you options. In a year, you might decide as a family to resettle in the UK. Or, who knows, you might look back at this time and say "God, my mum's illness and my depression really clouded my judgement. I am really glad I came back, but also realise that long-term I want to make Canada work"
You can tell me I'm talking crap if it makes you feel better, but I hope you know I'm just trying to help you think through the options.
Regardless, I don't think your husband is being an @rseh*le, he's just being human. And you aren't acting spoilt, you're just (understandably) very emotional.
Good luck to all of you, and please let us know what's happening.
Jan 13th 2009, 7:44 pm
#94
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Re: Is my man being a stubborn @rseh*le or am I acting like a spoilt moo?
I feel for you in your situation Ruby. Just wondered if you and your oh had ever had any kind of counselling. I had a major depressive episode 15 months ago did not even know it was depression as others will know its not always just about being down. I happened into the chemist at that time with the scrip from the docs and a relief chemist was there and she sent me off to the Community Health Centre which even though I have lived in Aus for a long long time I had not come across in my life. I saw psychologist it was $6.00and she was the most wonderful lady she helped me enormously. I also then got a care programme from the doctor and saw another psychologist as well, both of them helped me to recover. My depression was the result of trauma in my life due to my best friend's daughters suicide and my own daughter having brain cancer.
I know this seems irrelevant to your problem but they do not just see people such as me they see wives in difficult relationships and work with them, they also run mens groups for men who have anger problems and these programmes work and lives are put back together.
Your husband is not a bad man he just cannot show emotion and he gets upset easy. If you both address your problems together or separately, you may find that things look a whole lot better. I thank god I found Community Health and anytime I feel the need I will return there for help.
Sometimes moving just makes other problems you sound as though you worry a lot and if that is the case you will always do that and find something to worry about so please try and see someone its so good.
I know this seems irrelevant to your problem but they do not just see people such as me they see wives in difficult relationships and work with them, they also run mens groups for men who have anger problems and these programmes work and lives are put back together.
Your husband is not a bad man he just cannot show emotion and he gets upset easy. If you both address your problems together or separately, you may find that things look a whole lot better. I thank god I found Community Health and anytime I feel the need I will return there for help.
Sometimes moving just makes other problems you sound as though you worry a lot and if that is the case you will always do that and find something to worry about so please try and see someone its so good.
Jan 13th 2009, 7:58 pm
#95
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Re: Is my man being a stubborn @rseh*le or am I acting like a spoilt moo?
Ah, well now you know why I'm not a nurse. OK, read Ruby's post, she said she needed a kick up the arse. I just gave her one. I hope it works because sometimes when we're stuck, all the sympathy and sighing keep's us in the same trap forever.
Hope the kick up the bum (as requested by you Ruby) in previous post, makes you reach the best decision.
As for the rest of you, put a sock in it.
Hope the kick up the bum (as requested by you Ruby) in previous post, makes you reach the best decision.
As for the rest of you, put a sock in it.
Jan 13th 2009, 8:07 pm
#96
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Re: Is my man being a stubborn @rseh*le or am I acting like a spoilt moo?
Ah, well now you know why I'm not a nurse. OK, read Ruby's post, she said she needed a kick up the arse. I just gave her one. I hope it works because sometimes when we're stuck, all the sympathy and sighing keep's us in the same trap forever.
Hope the kick up the bum (as requested by you Ruby) in previous post, makes you reach the best decision.
As for the rest of you, put a sock in it.
Hope the kick up the bum (as requested by you Ruby) in previous post, makes you reach the best decision.
As for the rest of you, put a sock in it.
Jan 13th 2009, 8:09 pm
#97
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Re: Is my man being a stubborn @rseh*le or am I acting like a spoilt moo?
and it seems she doesn't know when enough's enough.
Jan 13th 2009, 8:12 pm
#98
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Re: Is my man being a stubborn @rseh*le or am I acting like a spoilt moo?
Ah, well now you know why I'm not a nurse. OK, read Ruby's post, she said she needed a kick up the arse. I just gave her one. I hope it works because sometimes when we're stuck, all the sympathy and sighing keep's us in the same trap forever.
Hope the kick up the bum (as requested by you Ruby) in previous post, makes you reach the best decision.
As for the rest of you, put a sock in it.
Hope the kick up the bum (as requested by you Ruby) in previous post, makes you reach the best decision.
As for the rest of you, put a sock in it.
I've had time to read over that last post of yours (SEVERAL TIMES I hasten to add!!!) and although it did sting very much at the time (ouch
) I know 'some' of it was right....not all, just some
Jan 13th 2009, 8:16 pm
#99
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Jan 13th 2009, 8:18 pm
#100
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Re: Is my man being a stubborn @rseh*le or am I acting like a spoilt moo?
You're welcome Ruby. You got my real message. Don't wait as long as my mum did to make changes because if you wait too long, you'll never do it. I wish you luck.
Jan 13th 2009, 8:23 pm
#101
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Re: Is my man being a stubborn @rseh*le or am I acting like a spoilt moo?
Jerseygirl, what advice did you offer exactly except for posting a dig at my harsh but ultimately well intentioned post to ruby. She needed a shove. I'm not pretending to be a trained counsellor and therefore I'm not pretending anything. I know where she's at in her life and I know what she needs to do to free herself. Giving her sympathy and empathising with her is fine but it doesn't give her the reality blast she needs to ignite the spark in her belly to change her life.
Jan 13th 2009, 8:29 pm
#102
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Re: Is my man being a stubborn @rseh*le or am I acting like a spoilt moo?
Jerseygirl, what advice did you offer exactly except for posting a dig at my harsh but ultimately well intentioned post to ruby. She needed a shove. I'm not pretending to be a trained counsellor and therefore I'm not pretending anything. I know where she's at in her life and I know what she needs to do to free herself. Giving her sympathy and empathising with her is fine but it doesn't give her the reality blast she needs to ignite the spark in her belly to change her life.
I didn't say anything about your first post...but I do think you should have just left it at that. Where did I say anything about you pretending to be a counsellor...those are your words not mine?
Jan 13th 2009, 8:32 pm
#103
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Re: Is my man being a stubborn @rseh*le or am I acting like a spoilt moo?
I didn't offer any advice...I don't think it's my place to offer her advice on such a life changing decision being as I've not been in Ruby's position...nor have I heard both sides of the story.
I didn't say anything about your first post...but I do think you should have just left it at that. Where did I say anything about you pretending to be anything...those are your words not mine.
I didn't say anything about your first post...but I do think you should have just left it at that. Where did I say anything about you pretending to be anything...those are your words not mine.
Jan 13th 2009, 8:38 pm
#104
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Re: Is my man being a stubborn @rseh*le or am I acting like a spoilt moo?
Ruby, you seem to be deciding whether to end your marriage or not as well as if/when/how to leave Canada.
To help you along, maybe, some practical questions. I'm not expecting you to answer these here.
Do you have equal access to the family money? Is everything pooled, or do either of you have personal accounts? If he has one, you should. If so, cut back on some of your personal expense -- coffee out, hairdresser etc -- to build you account a little, so you will have some money of your own.
Of course you're entitled to half the family's assets if the marriage breaks up, but getting it will take time.
If you have a large and loving family back home, what can/will they do to help you return and get reestablished there?
I can't remember if you said you worked, but how easy will it be to get work back in the UK?
It's certainly not easy or so many people of both sexes wouldn't stay in abusive marriages, sometimes for life. Verbal and psychological abuse can be even more harmful in the long run because it destroys a person's belief in themselves. Which is usually the point.
Hope all works out,
Bev.
To help you along, maybe, some practical questions. I'm not expecting you to answer these here.
Do you have equal access to the family money? Is everything pooled, or do either of you have personal accounts? If he has one, you should. If so, cut back on some of your personal expense -- coffee out, hairdresser etc -- to build you account a little, so you will have some money of your own.
Of course you're entitled to half the family's assets if the marriage breaks up, but getting it will take time.
If you have a large and loving family back home, what can/will they do to help you return and get reestablished there?
I can't remember if you said you worked, but how easy will it be to get work back in the UK?
It's certainly not easy or so many people of both sexes wouldn't stay in abusive marriages, sometimes for life. Verbal and psychological abuse can be even more harmful in the long run because it destroys a person's belief in themselves. Which is usually the point.
Hope all works out,
Bev.
Jan 13th 2009, 8:38 pm
#105
itchy feet again!
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Re: Is my man being a stubborn @rseh*le or am I acting like a spoilt moo?
Bit scared to chip in here, deleted my last reply actually 
Anyway, been there, done that, totally understand that there can be amazing loving times too and for the record there is another way but it takes 2 people willing to change and work their t*ts off, the woman has to change not because she's done anything wrong but simply because both people have to change tack if you keep ending up emotionally back in the same dumping ground.
I found 4 stages, compassion/anger/resentment/loss of respect, I suspect if you're too far down stage 4 then there might be no going back. Ironically enough it was explaining these stages calmly & confirming I was at number 4 that gave us the breakthrough/kick we needed to work together.
Eek, that's enough for a public forum, will probably scuttle back and delete later anyway
Anyway, been there, done that, totally understand that there can be amazing loving times too and for the record there is another way but it takes 2 people willing to change and work their t*ts off, the woman has to change not because she's done anything wrong but simply because both people have to change tack if you keep ending up emotionally back in the same dumping ground.I found 4 stages, compassion/anger/resentment/loss of respect, I suspect if you're too far down stage 4 then there might be no going back. Ironically enough it was explaining these stages calmly & confirming I was at number 4 that gave us the breakthrough/kick we needed to work together.
Eek, that's enough for a public forum, will probably scuttle back and delete later anyway
No don't! What you have said is interesting and valuable....I hope things have worked out for you.