Ruby Murray

I am so tired and drained after fighting with my OH for the best part of 12 months about selling up and moving back home.

Everything appeared to be going smoothly enough for us here in Canada, up until we bought a house in our max budget range in August 2007 and also following the death of my F.I.L. in January '08 and the deterioration of my M.I.L. due to Motor Neurone Disease/Lou Gehrig's Disease. Since then, I've re-evaluated how and where I want to spend the rest of my life, and because I'm such a family-oriented home-body, I want to go home now.....but my OH still will not entertain the idea because of the recession going on back home and he nastily throws it in my face that there are NO JOBS ANYWHERE!!! I know it's a global thing and even here in Alberta, Canada, we're experiencing fewer job offers and plunging house prices...BUT, I keep insisting to my OH that if he was truly motivated and took the time to research what jobs are being offered in the UK, I'm pretty sure the move could be possible. I had tried so hard last year to get him to see my point of view but it dragged on and on with neither of us getting anywhere...a stale-mate. I've been on anti-depressants (3 different brands) for 12 months and have been in counselling for 8 months and I still can't alleviate the strong feelings I have of going home My counsellor has been an absolute gem in helping me to pull away from the OH with all my nagging, encouraging and constant hint-dropping. I've now taken matters into my own hands and made my own decision to go back by Summer of this year, taking our 11 y.o. daughter with me as she is as desperate to be back as I am. He's really laying on the guilt trip that I'm ruining his and our (almost) 18 y.o. son's life by selfishly forcing us to sell our house that we'll be lucky to break even or worse still, go into foreclosure. His idea would be to ride it out here for another 12-18 months to see how the house prices pick up here and for the UK economy to build back up again. But I think he's being selfish for not even trying and if he really loved me and our daughter, then surely he'd follow along??

Am I acting selfish under today's circumstances, or is he the one that's being difficult and unreasonable by not researching and planning a move that could work with joint effort. I'll leave it there for now and wait for some (or any) responses
Thanks for listening,
Ruby xx

iaink

Sounds like a bit of both to me, but thats probably to be expected.

I can understand your reasons for wanting to be with your family, and I can understand his reasons for wanting to stay longer. Its a toughy.

Before you leave with your daughter to be with family, dont forget, he and your son are also family, closer family really than your mum in many ways.

You could point out that Canada lags the UK, by the time the UK economy picks up, your Alberta house could be worth less than now, and UK house prices will pick up fast once the economy there recovers, so sooner could be better than later when it comes to getting back on the UK property ladder.

As usual, it seems to me a lot of this hinges on finding the right job in the right place. Did you consider that maybe he and your son dont want to leave as they like it here, and that your own depression might be clouding your judgement over some of this.

I dont envy you, Good Luck whatever happens.

Aviator

It sounds like two differing views, and as you say a stalemate, his views have no more validity than yours and vice versa. It would not be beyond the realms of possibility that he could say the same about your views. There is an element of emotion vs practicality to be overcome.

Also, you would need his permission to take your daughter out of the country, not something you can decide alone. Talk to a lawyer before doing if you don't have his agreement, this to avoid any potential problems.

It seems like a situation that two parents need to sort out in the best interests of the children. Perhaps a family meeting is in order, where all can put their views on the table.

SpoogleDrummer

Is your 18 year old son a Canadian citizen or eligible to become one? If so there's nothing to say he can't stay behind if he wants to.

dunroving

I agree with Iain that it's a bit of both and that, most definitely, being depressed will cloud your judgement.

Before I go any further, let me first off say that I'm really sorry to hear about your situation, both in terms of dealing with depression (perhaps the least understood major illness of them all), and with your mother's illness.

Having said that, let me play Devil's advocate for a bit:

First, everyone who goes overseas and leaves older relatives behind knows that at some time they will grow older and frailer. It surprises me that (seemingly) most couples in this situation haven't discussed the "What if?" question before they leave. I know that sometimes things take us by surprise (a parent develops a major illness before their time, for example) but in most cases I've seen on here, it seems people don't discuss these things until they actually happen - and then there are major decisions to be made, often in a hurry. It can be a gut-wrenching situation.

Second, I have to put your husband's (and son's) side of things, bearing in mind the above. They have both made major life changes that, presumably, were family decisions agreed upon by everyone. The fact you bought your house so recently tells me that this was intended to be at least a semi-permanent move. In this case, it must be very difficult for the two males in the family to be asked to give all this up (and I'm sorry, but when I read the "If he loved me ..." line, it made me cringe. Using statements like this constitutes emotional blackmail ...).

Having said these two things, I can absolutely identify with how you feel being all the way over there and wanting desperately to be over here (and not just because you miss Tesco's and British banter like many people on MBTTUK, but because the woman who brought you into this world needs your help.)

If you did go back, is the plan to live with and care for your mother? If so, is it at all possible that you and your daughter could do that, and your husband and son could stay behind? I know this is not the perfect situation, but it would allow you to care for your mother, but would not burn the family's Canada bridges. So often on here I see situations described as "all or nothing" (either we all go home or we all stay here; I'm not happy here and don't want to stay in this country, therefore I must go home, 1,000's of miles away; I'm thinking of going back to the UK and if I do, it must be a permanent move). This leads to the burning of major bridges and leaves few options (and leads to major heartache).

If you tried this, at least your and your daughter's immediate needs would be satisfied, and husband/son's immediate needs are satisfied.

It also gives you options. In a year, you might decide as a family to resettle in the UK. Or, who knows, you might look back at this time and say "God, my mum's illness and my depression really clouded my judgement. I am really glad I came back, but also realise that long-term I want to make Canada work"

You can tell me I'm talking crap if it makes you feel better, but I hope you know I'm just trying to help you think through the options.

Regardless, I don't think your husband is being an @rseh*le, he's just being human. And you aren't acting spoilt, you're just (understandably) very emotional.

Good luck to all of you, and please let us know what's happening.

BristolUK

I think this is what others have picked up on...he could say the same about you staying.
But in other ways you are right. Circumstances have changed. Not to get too dramatic about it but isn't that what 'vows' are all about? Committing to someone else?

Sometimes, for one partner to support another, sacrifices have to be made. Your desire clearly is not based on a whim. Obviously you have thought it through. Maybe he'll come around to supporting you now you've made a decision.

dunroving

Sticking with the Devil's advocate role, maybe going back isn't the only means of being supportive here? Perhaps there are other considerations (i.e., thinking about what is best for son, and also what may be best for the family in the long run, i.e., keeping the options open). It comes back to the "all or nothing" way of thinking - if Ruby goes home, does that have to mean everyone should go home? I think not objecting to her returning is also a means of support ... and sending daily phone messages and pictures, etc., etc.

Sally Redux

I can really identify with you and I don't know the answer. All I know is that if I keep on nagging my husband as you are the marriage will be destroyed and that also has enormous consequences. Dunroving seems to have some sensible advice, whilst I fully empathise with the desperate feelings, you also have your immediate family to consider. I would say your husband is being realistic.

brightonbelle

Hi,

I feel for both you and your husband (and kids). Its not a case of being right or wrong here....your both hurting in different ways.

You want to go back home, to the familiar, to family....youve tried Canada and its not for you. You love your family and want to go home. I can understand you have given it time and tried, but now its getting too much.


On the other hand, your husband has lost his dad, and his mum is seriously ill. He has a lot to grieve over at the moment....and he probably just cant take more stress (and moving home is as stressful as a death according to pyschologists). He also proabably and understandably wants to be there for his mum, and couldnt move whilst she needs him.

So he wont be able to see things from your perspective at the moment...he probably cant face the grief of losing his wife and daughter on top. Add to that stresses over being a provider...could he take it if he couldnt get a suitable house/job?

A date set in the future for making a definite decison could take the pressure off him right now, and maybe it could help you as there would be an end in sight. If you came back here without half your family, do you think you could be really happy? or would you allways wonder that if you could just give it another 12 months before coming home that it might be enough to come back as a complete family.


I dont think your being unreasonable by wanting to come home...but maybe the timing aint right for all of you as a family right now.

Good luck Ruby, I hope things work out for you all.

Ty

quoll

Gee Ruby you do ask difficult questions!

I can see where you are both coming from and whilst my heart is totally on your side because I find myself trapped in Aus and desperate to be back where I belong, my head is probably on your DH's side! This is a cruddy time to be wanting to move anywhere in the world because of the total uncertainty facing us all and I wouldnt be suggesting that anyone move anywhere without a cast iron certainty of continuing security.

However, that aside, there are probably things you could BOTH do - first of all, he could be more active in job seeking in UK, really throw himself into it and if, given real effort, he still isnt able to pick something up then you at least know he has tried.

Secondly, you can live with your current situation - I am sure your counsellor is helping with all the little tricks to get you through each and every bloody day so that you dont get to wrist slitting stage. Some of the CBT techniques work reasonably well for me even though I am demonstrably so much happier when I am home.

The bottom line is, I guess, is it the people in your life who are most important? In which case, do you still love the stubborn @rseh*le and see yourself growing old and being with him until the end of your days? If so, then fight like hell to save your marriage and perhaps be prepared to make compromises which dont exactly fall your way. If the spark has gone then you are only doing yourself harm by staying in what is developing into a toxic relationship and saving yourself is the best thing to do. The longer you all stay, the more difficult it will be to leave though for lots of reasons.

Your 18 year old is on the verge of making his own life and in a few years he could be living the high life in Mogadishu so tying yourself to a place just because he wants it at the moment is a bit of a red herring.

My survival strategy involves a trip home for a month at least once a year - not ideal but it sort of works for me. DH knows that it is what I need and so his part of the compromise is that he has to earn the money so I can do it!!! It tears my guts out every time I have to come back but the thought of living life without him is far far worse and that is why I stay. If I was indifferent about our relationship I would have gone home years ago.

Anyway, some big cyber {{{hugs}}} and some positive vibes for something good to come out of your current predicament.

Edited to ask - is your MIL in Canada? If so that definitely would change the goal posts for me. Your DH must be hugely anxious about her because that is a truly horrible disease.

Ruby Murray

Wow...some excellent opinions there for me to take in and thanks to everyone that went out of their way to really analyse my post and offer advice from both angles. I'll give my replies to each of your individual posts

Ruby Murray

Thanks for giving such a balanced view Iain

Ruby Murray

Thanks for your suggestions

Ruby Murray

We are waiting for our Permanent Residency renewal cards to arrive pretty much any day now and they have a time span of 5 years. If he wants to apply for his own Canadian Citizenship once he turns 18, then he can do.

ExKiwilass

So, is he willing to go in 12/18 months? it's not clear from your post. If so, I can see his POV. Waiting it out may be a good idea at this stage.