Originally Posted by Fleaflyfloflum

I cant really add much to what everyone else has said Rubes, but wanted to give you a cyber hug. I would so hate to be in your position.

Out of interest, what field of work is OH in? You say he is worried about job prospects in UK.

Originally Posted by Jerseygirl

Ruby I was saddened to read your post...I don't think I can add anything that's not already been said. Just remember you can always log on here and chat to someone...day or night. I only wish BE had been around during my darkest days as an expat in the '90's.

Take care of yourself and all the very best for the future.

Originally Posted by Baby75

Good luck Ruby, you have hard decisions ahead I think(((HUGS))) to you and I just hope it all works out and you can all be happy.

Originally Posted by DunRoaminTheUK

To be brutally honest, it seems to me that your husband is thinking with a clear mind whereas you are not.
You know that's what he says to me - that I'm puddled and living in a dream world if I think we can easily move back home. But, in all fairness DunRoamin, you don't know me at all to say that I am not thinking with a clear mind. I've already said that I've been on anti-D's all year, am undergoing regular counselling and that I'm not depressed at all these days - I'm just frustrated.
What he is telling you about waiting until the situation improves in the UK sounds like a very good plan to me.

He hasn't told you he is not going to return but rather that you should 'wait it out' and move in better times whereas you seem completely unwilling to compromise.
True, but he also can't give me any real kind of time frame either which leaves me in a state of limbo and waiting....and I believe it was a saying Nu-Shooz said the other day that "Life is not a waiting room" which is bang on! I NEED a date to focus on or I will just go crazy. And as you mentioned the subject of compromise...I could say the same thing about him too! I don't see any compromise from him by joining me in doing some research on jobs and available properties - he doesn't want to know what's available because he wants to BELIEVE that the UK is going down the pan....he is still being the man he has always been and that is an OSTRICH...you know, burying his head in the sand or sticking his fingers in his ears going "la-la-la, la-la-la"

Also, using blackmail as a weapon is never the right thing to do in any situation. I have never said to his face "If you loved me you'd come with me" - only in black and white on this thread. I am not stupid enough to say that knowing full well he could throw the same thing back to me and say "If you loved ME enough, you'd keep us all together and ride it out". However, what I do say is that we've grown to want different things out of life...and he can't argue with that.
That's what I think anyway.

Originally Posted by moneypen20

Don't like getting involved with these sorts of threads as I never know whether I'm being told the truth, half truths, lies etc. Not accusing you of lying but you're obviously only giving your side of the story so no one can really advise you properly.

If your man has recently lost his dad and knows he is going to lose his mother too, he may well be closing down emotions and not actually want to see his mother decline and die - many people don't. Doesn't mean they don't care, or that they don't love the person, it's a self preservation thing.
This is the thing I'm finding harder to come to grips with...I don't get it! I appreciate we are all made of different material, but for me, the most natural thing in the world is to be at my parents or siblings side during their time of need - even if that means giving up everything we have here. They are so precious to us - they made us and gave us life. But I'm a woman, and it's usually us women that feel that strongly, whereas men have the ability to detach themselves once the umbillical cord is cut! No, seriously, you are very correct in your observation that my man is on emotional shutdown and that he is struggling with the waiting as she deteriorates. I am trying to help him by suggesting that he goes and gets the right help with meds to build his mental strength up for when it happens, cos I know he's going to crack.

If he has a history of depression (whether diagnosed or not), maybe he knows what will trigger a return to the dark days and knows that for his mental state he has to stay where he is for the time being with a job he knows. Yes, he says that returning to a life back in the UK would send him off the rails and that's what he's scared of

Speaking for myself only, I can't think of anything worse than looking at the next 12 months and seeing a) a massive international move; b) house selling and purchasing; c) job hunting which may or may not be successful and d) watching his only remaining parent die. Most people would struggle with that lot spread out over a few years, let alone imagining it for the next year. When you put all that into one context, then yes, it does look extremely overwhelming for a person to take - but that's what I'm here for, and he won't be alone in all this. He has a good supporting family back home who would bend over backwards to help him through, not to mention me and our two kids. Believe me, my mind is as clear as a bell when it comes to planning ahead and I also believe that you can achieve anything if your mind is so set on it....if he could only trust me that it would work out ok.

He hasn't said no, he won't move. He's said it's out of the question at the moment (unless I've read your post wrong).

Anyway, can't say if he's being a stubborn whatsit or if you're a spoilt moo. sorry.

Originally Posted by Elaine B.

Hi Ruby

no wisdom from me just a great big hug Hope you find a way through this.

Originally Posted by Ruby Murray

Oh I absolutely wish I knew of this website back in the days of our immigration process...and for the times when things have gone t#ts up throughout our 5 years - I'm sure it would have helped so much and maybe even prevented some of the stupid moves we made Oh well, c'est la vie..they happened and you have to move on from them but it doesn't stop the embarrassment at how you've ran your life & moved your kids lives around so much. Thanks Jerseygirl

Originally Posted by Jerseygirl

Just to let you know you're not alone...I think many of us could beat ourselves up for what we've done to our kids...I know we do.

Our daughter was 11 when we moved to the US...at 18 she went to uni Canada. We thought living and being educated in 3 different countries would make her more worldly and open many doors...ie being able to work in Europe, US and Canada...and in many ways it has. She is now living and working in Toronto and loves it there...has a great group of friends, boyfriend, social life etc....but a few weeks ago she told me sometimes she feels terribly lost and lonely. Even though she has a full life she doesn't have family ties in Canada...such as Thanksgiving when everyone is going home to see their family. She can't nip home for a few hours to see mum/dad/grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins etc. She doesn't feel she belongs anywhere.

Of course she is only 23...so hopefully as the years go by she will put roots down and finally feel at home...wherever that may be.

Originally Posted by cricket1

If things are bearable where you are, I'd stay put for now purely on practical grounds. Life can't all be about what is right for the individual. I'd say pull together and stay together just until the global economy becomes more stable.
In times like these, it's important not to jump from the frying pan into the fire.

Originally Posted by Erica P

I have had a quick look through this thread and there is not much to add, but as a fellow forum member who also wishes to return to the UK from Canada I can really empathise and wanted to send you some cyber hugs.

I think that you really need some plan of action to somehow get you all back to the UK as from what I have read you may never be truly happy here and that will impact on your family here, IMO. From what I can gather your husband is not completely averse to returning, its the employment situation that concerns him. Maybe if he starts retraining now, when things pick up he is more likely to get a job in the UK? By him taking positive action now you would probably start to feel more optimistic too? It may still be a long wait though. I know that once us women have made our minds up we just want to get on with it. Every extra day my daughter and I don’t see our family in the UK it breaks my heart. Life is too short to not be where you want to be.

Originally Posted by dingbat

What if she "stayed put" on practical grounds, (which are what, exactly?) and ended up being (legally) forced to stay here for years? It happens. Waiting for the global economy to become stable is an unpredictable deadline. Sometimes, I am assured, you have to take a leap of faith. I am the first to admit I wish I'd had the balls to do it.

Originally Posted by cricket1

Just my opinion which is what the poster asked for......Staying together for a bit longer may be all the time they need to reach a workable compromise.
For me, because i'm self employed and because my husband has a well paid secure job at the moment, we would have to consider staying put rather than taking a 'leap of faith' into a black hole like a pair of lemmings.