ging

To a Glaswegian, what's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?

Bing sings, and Walt disney.

rivingtonpike

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra....

BristolUK

.

Aviator

“I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans-free.”

Not mine, but it gave me a chuckle.

mikelincs

It won the award for the best one-liner at the Edinburg Festival Fringe.

BristolUK

I preferred

• What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
  
• The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.
  
• They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for.
  
• If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
  
• Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I’m reminded of the definition of a gentleman. It’s someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn’t.

JonboyE

BristolUK

BristolUK

Oliver Hardy: 'Didn't you once tell me that you had an uncle?'
Stan Laurel: 'Sure, I've got an uncle. Why?'
Oliver: 'Now we're getting somewhere. Is he living?'
Stanley: 'No. He fell through a trap door and broke his neck.'
Oliver: 'Was he building a house?'
Stanley: 'No, they were hanging him.'

BristolUK

BristolUK

caretaker

I was visiting an old friend on his farm and when we were having coffee on the verandah after supper I noticed a pig in the farmyard that appeared to have a wooden leg. I'd never seen such a thing, "Joe, does that pig really have an artificial leg?" "Yes, Caretaker, he said, it was the least I could do for him. Last year I was out on the tractor working the land about a mile from here and as I drove around a small hill I hit a soft spot and rolled the tractor, becoming pinned underneath. I screamed and screamed but no-one was within earshot, but that pig heard me and came over the fields and found me, and he tried digging me out and pulling on my jacket, and when he couldn't get me out he ran over 2 miles to the next farm and made such a fuss he convinced them to follow him back to me, and they got their tractor with the bucket and managed to free me." "That's amazing", I said, "but it doesn't explain why the pig has a wooden leg...." He looked at me wistfully and said "You don't just eat a great pig like that all at once."
More about the pig in Teatime Choices.

BristolUK

That's a porker...sorry, I mean a corker.

plasticcanuck

And a very, very, very old one, but a goodie.

BristolUK

As is this non PC one
Doctor examining teen girl: "Big breaths"
"Yeth and I'm only thickthteen"