a joke
#451
Binned by Muderators
Joined: Jul 2007
Location: White Rock BC
Posts: 11,683
Re: a joke
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary:
* 8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
* 9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
* 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
* 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
* 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
* 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
* 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
* 5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
* 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
* 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
* 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Diary:
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.
Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow - but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...
__________________
* 8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
* 9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
* 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
* 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
* 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
* 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
* 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
* 5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
* 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
* 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
* 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Diary:
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.
Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow - but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...
__________________
#452
Binned by Muderators
Joined: Jul 2007
Location: White Rock BC
Posts: 11,683
Re: a joke
I was having fun yesterday taking the mickey out of an old bloke in a blonde wig, then the bastard gave me 18 months.
#453
#454
Forum Regular
Joined: Apr 2009
Location: Alberta
Posts: 127
Re: a joke
So I asked this lass in the pet shop if she'd had a cockatoo in lately. I've still got a black eye.
#455
Forum Regular
Joined: Apr 2009
Location: Alberta
Posts: 127
Re: a joke
So this gorgeous flight attendant came up and said, "Would you like some TWA coffee?"
I said, "I'd rather have some TWA tea." And now I've got another black eye.
I said, "I'd rather have some TWA tea." And now I've got another black eye.
#457
#458
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,232
Re: a joke
A woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you sell Viagra?"
"Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes," he answered.
She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"
"I can, if I take two," he replied.
"Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes," he answered.
She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"
"I can, if I take two," he replied.
#459
Banned
Joined: Apr 2009
Location: SW Ontario
Posts: 19,879
Re: a joke
Police raided Kermits lily pad and found 100s of nude pictures of Miss Piggy. They said it was the worst case of frogs porn ever seen.
#460
#461
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Feb 2010
Location: High River AB
Posts: 571
Re: a joke
An Irish terrorist has broken into Dublin zoo and is holding 12 ostrich's.
#462
Re: a joke
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
One goes *WHACK! "F**k!" and the other goes "F**k!" *WHACK!
One goes *WHACK! "F**k!" and the other goes "F**k!" *WHACK!
#463
Re: a joke
Two cows in a field, one says, "what do you think about this mad cow disease?"
The other says, "it doesn't effect me, I'm a duck."
The other says, "it doesn't effect me, I'm a duck."
#464
Re: a joke
Anyone who thinks onions are the only vegetable that can make you cry, has obviously never been hit in the face with a turnip.
#465