BristolUK

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Gordon Barlow

Bristol. Useful for people they just want to get rid of, too. One Palestinian a day... the numbers would mount up quickly!

BristolUK

The madam of a brothel has a problem, so she goes to a local priest. “I have two talking female parrots,” she tells him. “All they can say is ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’”
“That’s awful,” the priest agrees, “but I have a solution to your problem. I have two male parrots whom I’ve taught to pray and read the Bible.
If we put your parrots with mine, I believe yours will stop saying that awful phrase and will instead learn to recite the word of God.
The next day, the madame brings her parrots to the priest’s house and puts them in with the male parrots, who are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
“Hi, we’re prostitutes,” say the females. “Do you want to have some fun?”
One male parrot looks at the other and squawks, “Close that Bible, Frank! Our prayers are answered!!!!!!

Freshwhyte

A teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says: "Can you come and get me? I've missed the last bus and it's pouring with rain."

"Okay," says her dad. "Where are you ringing from?"

The girl replies: "From the top of my head right down to my knickers".

Oakvillian

...which reminds me of the teenage girl (it sounds like it may even have been the same one) who was in a bit of an accident and cut herself quite badly. A passer-by called the ambulance. When the paramedic turned up he asked: "alright, Miss - where are you bleeding from?"

Her reply: "I'm from bleeding Romford. What's that got to do with anything?"

BristolUK

magnumpi

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed, Desperate

The response (that came weeks later out of the blue):

Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta version. Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.

In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0.

Good Luck!

BristolUK

I have a phobia about German sausages; I fear the wurst.

withabix

I often confuse Americans and Canadians.

By using long words...

BristolUK

JonboyE

Q: What did the pirate say on
his 80th birthday?

A: Aye Matey.

JonboyE

I took a poll this morning.

8 out of 10 people were unhappy their tent collapsed.

JonboyE

Don't know if this is a wind up but I just received a text saying I'd won £250 cash or two tickets to an Elvis tribute night. It says Press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.

JonboyE

I've been offered 8 legs of venison for $100.

Does anyone else think that's too dear?

Oink