BristolUK

plasticcanuck

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: A ll Employees
D A TE: November 1, 2012
RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. A nd don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty


Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: A ll Employees
D A TE: November 2, 20102
RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.

We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: A ll Employees
D A TE: November 3, 2012
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of A lcoholics A nonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name...

I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, " A A Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCH A NGE WILL BE A LLOWED.

Patty

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: A ll Employees
D A TE: November 4, 2012
RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20thbegins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.

There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty


Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: A ll F*%^ing Employees
D A TE: November 5, 2012
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.

But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B*tch from H*ll!!!

Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
D A TE: November 6, 2012
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Whatever!
Joan

JonboyE

http://www.imagebam.com/image/55aed7450777186[/IMG]

BristolUK

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and enquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

So the king set off to go fishing. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once, because very soon there will be a torrential downpour."

The king replied, "The palace meteorologist gave me a very different forecast. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional and I hold him in high regard. Besides, I pay him very high wages. I trust him, therefore I shall continue on my way."

A short time later, there was a cloudburst and the king got drenched. Furious, he returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once!

Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high-paying role of royal weather forecaster.

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about meteorology. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.”

So the king hired the donkey.

And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

BristolUK

A pal of mine ended up sat with an older woman at a club last night.
He said “She looked OK for a 61+ year-old”.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and he found himself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.
They drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if he’d ever had a Sportsman's Double.
'What's that?' he asked..
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
He said, 'No,' – excitedly!! They drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'his lucky night'.
They went back to her place.

BristolUK

BristolUK

One evening I am going to sit all alone on a seat in my local church graveyard. And if a stranger comes to me and speaks,I will say;"You can see me?"

BristolUK

plasticcanuck

Subject: What to do with "The Donald ?

Presidential candidate Donald Trump goes on
a fact-finding visit to
Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem
he suffers a heart attack and dies.




The undertaker tells the State
Department officials accompanying him, 'You
can have him shipped home for
$50,000, or you can bury him here, in the
Holy Land for just $100.'

The Americans go into a corner and
discuss for a few minutes. They come
back to the undertaker and tell him
they want Donald shipped home.


The undertaker is puzzled and asks,
'Why would you spend $50,000 to
ship him home, when it would be
wonderful to be buried here, and you would spend only $100?


The Americans reply, 'Long ago a
man died there, was buried there, and three days later he rose from the
dead. We just can't take that risk.'

BristolUK

A woman was in love with fourteen soldiers. It was a platoonic relationship.
.
The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show off
this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next
hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell,
the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned
it to his master.
"Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly.
"Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim."
.
A variation on a 'blonde' joke:
The fellow sat down at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender if he
wanted to hear a dumb-jock joke.
"Hey, buddy," the bartender replied, "you see those two guys next to
you? They used to be with the Chicago Bears. The two dudes behind you made the U.S. Olympic wrestling team. And for your information, I used to play center at Notre Dame."
"Forget it," the customer said. "I don't want to explain it five times."

magnumpi

The Democratic National Convention

Trump must be laughing his socks off now

Davita

Born in Saskatchewan

A Saskatchewan man is drinking in a Fort McMurray bar when he gets a call on his cellphone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Saskatchewan baby boy weighing 15 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 15 pounds, but the Saskatchewan man just shrugs, "That's about average folks... like I said - my boy's a typical Saskatchewan baby boy."

Two weeks later the Saskatchewan man returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Saskatchewan baby that weighed 15 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. ....so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "eleven pounds." The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He was 15 pounds the day he was born."

The Saskatchewan father takes a slow swig from his Pilsner beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised".

dave_j

Watched it to today.
A laugh a minute.
A lie a minute
An apology for stealing a nomination.. not good enough.

magnumpi

So the main thing I was enlightened to after today is that the Democratic Party are 100% behind illegal immigrants.
Great news for them who can't get a visa, just learn Spanish and your in

plasticcanuck

An American photographer on vacation was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York.
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '$10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel up to Canada to see if Canadians had the same phone.
He arrived in Canada, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 cents per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Canada now, son .... it's a local call.'
KEEP SMILING