a joke
Dec 31st 2013, 12:52 am
#391
Oscar nominated
Joined: Jan 2008
Location: Moncton, NB, CANADA
Posts: 50,955
Re: a joke
From Dave Allen 
Shaun catches a Leprechaun who tells him, "You caught me fair and square so I'll grant you three wishes, what would you like?"
Shaun scratches his head, then answers "A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty."
"Granted," replied the Leprechaun and produced the bottle.
Shaun drank it down and sure enough the bottle refilled. He tested it three more times, and each time the bottle filled up with Guinness.
The Leprechaun said, "you still have two more wishes, what would you like?"
Replied Shaun, "I'd like another two bottles just like the last."
Shaun catches a Leprechaun who tells him, "You caught me fair and square so I'll grant you three wishes, what would you like?"
Shaun scratches his head, then answers "A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty."
"Granted," replied the Leprechaun and produced the bottle.
Shaun drank it down and sure enough the bottle refilled. He tested it three more times, and each time the bottle filled up with Guinness.
The Leprechaun said, "you still have two more wishes, what would you like?"
Replied Shaun, "I'd like another two bottles just like the last."
Jan 3rd 2014, 7:38 pm
#392
.
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 20,185
Re: a joke
An Essex girl is involved in a bad traffic accident. The paramedic rushes to her aid. “Whereabouts are you bleeding from?” he asks.
“Well,” says the girl. “Since you ask, bleeding Romford.”
“Well,” says the girl. “Since you ask, bleeding Romford.”
Jan 3rd 2014, 7:41 pm
#393
Stand-up Philosopher
Joined: Apr 2009
Location: Regina Saskatchewan
Posts: 16,344
Re: a joke
What do Essex girls use for protection during sex?
The bus shelter.
The bus shelter.
Jan 5th 2014, 12:21 am
#397
Pictou County Superstar™
Joined: Sep 2007
Location: On top of the Green hill, NS
Posts: 4,219
Re: a joke
James Blunt and his Twitter comebacks. Not laugh out loud stuff but somewhat amusing:
https://twitter.com/JamesBlunt
https://twitter.com/JamesBlunt
Jan 10th 2014, 1:04 pm
#398
Oscar nominated
Joined: Jan 2008
Location: Moncton, NB, CANADA
Posts: 50,955
Re: a joke
I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."
Unbelievable what some people are into.
Unbelievable what some people are into.
Jan 10th 2014, 2:04 pm
#399
Stand-up Philosopher
Joined: Apr 2009
Location: Regina Saskatchewan
Posts: 16,344
Re: a joke
I went tae the hospital wae toilet brush stuck up my arse .. what happened here, asked the doctor .. well pal .. I met a wee burd at the club last night and a took hur hame ..ahh said the doctor .. she liked kinky things???
Naw pal I said .. ma ****in wife was hame.
Naw pal I said .. ma ****in wife was hame.
Jan 24th 2014, 10:09 pm
#400
Pictou County Superstar™
Joined: Sep 2007
Location: On top of the Green hill, NS
Posts: 4,219
Re: a joke
Why is Janet Street-Porter a lot like marmite?
Jan 24th 2014, 10:21 pm
#401
Born again atheist
Joined: Jul 2005
Location: Europe (to be specified).
Posts: 30,259
Jan 24th 2014, 10:31 pm
#403
Lowering the tone
Joined: Mar 2007
Location: Here and there
Posts: 7,355
Mar 5th 2014, 1:07 pm
#404
Stand-up Philosopher
Joined: Apr 2009
Location: Regina Saskatchewan
Posts: 16,344
Re: a joke
I stole a tv out of a neighbour's kitchen but I think it's broke - every channel is a spinning bowl of porridge.
Mar 14th 2014, 2:08 pm
#405
Stand-up Philosopher
Joined: Apr 2009
Location: Regina Saskatchewan
Posts: 16,344
Re: a joke
A man recieved the following text from his neighbour:
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later a second text came in:
Damn autocorrect. I meant 'wifi', not 'wife'.
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later a second text came in:
Damn autocorrect. I meant 'wifi', not 'wife'.