Novocastrian

No, but I could from the place I was born.

And it was the Leezes End,

caretaker

Or Leazes End? Mind you, I've never been there either.

Oink

Given the significance of the day.


A Geordie fellow goes on holiday to Canada, and is exploring the Rocky Mountains with a local guide one day, when he sees a huge creature in the distance.
"What's that?" he asks the guide.
"That's a Moose" the guide replies.
"A Moose?" says Geordie "Ye bugger, ye must have rats the size of elephants ower here!"

Greenhill

My Geordie girlfriend found a pair of knickers under the bed the other day and screamed at me "what the **** are these?"

"Knickers", I replied.

After scrutinising them for a moment she said "Oh, that's what they are! I've never seen a pair before."

Greenhill

Well, well, well.

Welcome to stutter club.

Animal

Don't click here

rwin

Funny. Sort of. Easy enough to defeat though. After the alphabet twice did it do all the digits in pi?

BristolUK

A programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.


A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”


“Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”

JonboyE

A man goes to see the Doctor with a cucumber in 1 ear, a parsnip in the other and a carrot up each nostril and asks the doctor, "what's wrong with me?" The Doctor looks at him up and down and replies "You're not eating properly."

A mystery person had been in to the police station and stolen the toilets - the police have nothing to go on. Also the same night a huge hole was dug in the police car park - the police are looking into it.

Two TV aerials got married. The ceremony wasn't very good but the reception was brilliant.

A local painter who has been charged with killing a man with sand paper claims he only meant to rough him up a bit.

Two nuns are driving along a dark country lane when suddenly a vampire lands on the car, facing them through the windscreen. "Quick, quick - show him your Cross!" says the first nun. So the second one leans out of the window and shouts "Oi, you, get off my ******* bonnet".

Two cannibals were eating a clown when one turned to the other and said "Does this taste funny to you?"

Bloke goes up to the librarian and asks if he can take out a book on "how to commit suicide." " No" says the librarian, "you won't bring it back."

Two parrots sitting on a perch. One says to the other 'can you smell fish?'

Just paid £100 for 8 legs of venison. Is that too dear?
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JonboyE

What do we want!? More research into a cure for ADHD! When do we want it!? Let's play swingball!"

What do we want? A time machine. When do we want it? It doesn't really matter.

caretaker

What do we want? A cure for tourettes!
When do we want it? F**k s**t!

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

From David Letterman's top ten things to do when John Glenn returned from his last space flight on board the shuttle: When John Glenn climbs off the shuttle, everyone wear ape masks.

Greenhill

I had one of my testicles removed today after finding a lump.

That's how serious I am about mashed potato.

jimf

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worl...lot-names.html

rwin

Why did the priest cross himself?

To get to the other side.

Jingsamichty

So the priest decided to let the kids from the primary school shave his hair off for charity.

"Well, it's all for a good cause", he said afterwards, "and besides, it makes my cock look bigger."