a joke
Mar 6th 2013, 5:22 pm
#256
BEd Enthusiast
Joined: Nov 2012
Location: North Coast, BC
Posts: 671
Re: a joke
You'll want to get your co-workers, family or fellow commuters to gather around and watch this with you. Crank up the volume 
http://youtube.com/watch?v=O4p0uw42cdo
http://youtube.com/watch?v=O4p0uw42cdo
Mar 7th 2013, 12:46 am
#257
I said what ?!
Joined: Aug 2010
Location: Peterborough, Ontario.
Posts: 1,079
Re: a joke
Tell me dad, how are you managing with the new I-Pad we gave you for your birthday?"
Click Here
(It's spoken in German but you'll get the gist of it )
Click Here
(It's spoken in German but you'll get the gist of it )
Last edited by Animal; Mar 7th 2013 at 12:52 am.
Mar 7th 2013, 6:34 am
#258
I said what ?!
Joined: Aug 2010
Location: Peterborough, Ontario.
Posts: 1,079
Re: a joke
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore a list of 18 new and innovative phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
1)
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
2)
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting c__t.
3)
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do that?
4)
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing chance.
5)
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh__ing me!
6)
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a f__.
7)
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f____ing problem.
8)
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
9)
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
10)
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that in.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ing h _ll didn't you tell me sooner?
11)
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
12)
TRY SAYING: Excuse me sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
13)
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my f___ a__.
14)
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F___ it, I'm not doing overtime.
15)
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__ dumb f____
16)
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks c__k.
17)
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
18 )
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
Thank You,
HR
Human Remains
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore a list of 18 new and innovative phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
1)
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
2)
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting c__t.
3)
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do that?
4)
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing chance.
5)
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh__ing me!
6)
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a f__.
7)
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f____ing problem.
8)
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
9)
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
10)
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that in.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ing h _ll didn't you tell me sooner?
11)
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
12)
TRY SAYING: Excuse me sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
13)
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my f___ a__.
14)
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F___ it, I'm not doing overtime.
15)
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__ dumb f____
16)
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks c__k.
17)
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
18 )
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
Thank You,
HR
Human Remains
Mar 7th 2013, 7:02 am
#259
Up Your Kilt
Joined: Mar 2012
Location: 1313 Mockingbird Lane, Mockingbird Heights
Posts: 1,621
Re: a joke
MANAGEMENT 101
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story :
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?". The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure , why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
BullShit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he
was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THIS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story :
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?". The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure , why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
BullShit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he
was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THIS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
Mar 11th 2013, 5:06 am
#260
I said what ?!
Joined: Aug 2010
Location: Peterborough, Ontario.
Posts: 1,079
Re: a joke
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather.
Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off.
I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested.
The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.
This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily.
I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy,
Relief Maid
------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Maid
I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening, I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.
I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Imperial Leather, so I won't need those 6 little Camays, which are on the shelf. They are in the way when shaving, brushing teeth etc.
Please remove them.
S. Berman
------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service.
I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience.
If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6.00 PM. That's the reason I called Mr Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap.
The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet, along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf.
In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and to remove the extra soaps.
If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5 PM.
Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr Kensedder,
My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing.
Every bar of soap was taken from my room, including my own bath-size Imperial Leather.
I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem.
I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.
The situation will be rectified immediately.
Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?
I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Imperial Leather.
Do you realise I have 54 bars of soap in here?
All I want is my bath-size Imperial Leather.
Please give me back my bath-size Imperial Leather.
S. Berman
------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed.
Then you complained to Mr Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily.
I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets.
Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays.
I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Imperial Leather. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
As of today I possess:
* On the shelf under the medicine cabinet -18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
* On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
* On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
* Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
* In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
* On the northeast corner of the tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
* On the northwest corner of the tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip.
May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.
One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Imperial Leather, which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather.
Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off.
I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested.
The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.
This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily.
I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy,
Relief Maid
------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Maid
I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening, I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.
I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Imperial Leather, so I won't need those 6 little Camays, which are on the shelf. They are in the way when shaving, brushing teeth etc.
Please remove them.
S. Berman
------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service.
I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience.
If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6.00 PM. That's the reason I called Mr Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap.
The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet, along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf.
In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and to remove the extra soaps.
If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5 PM.
Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr Kensedder,
My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing.
Every bar of soap was taken from my room, including my own bath-size Imperial Leather.
I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem.
I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.
The situation will be rectified immediately.
Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?
I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Imperial Leather.
Do you realise I have 54 bars of soap in here?
All I want is my bath-size Imperial Leather.
Please give me back my bath-size Imperial Leather.
S. Berman
------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed.
Then you complained to Mr Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily.
I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets.
Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays.
I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Imperial Leather. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
As of today I possess:
* On the shelf under the medicine cabinet -18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
* On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
* On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
* Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
* In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
* On the northeast corner of the tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
* On the northwest corner of the tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip.
May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.
One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Imperial Leather, which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
Mar 11th 2013, 5:13 am
#261
I said what ?!
Joined: Aug 2010
Location: Peterborough, Ontario.
Posts: 1,079
Re: a joke
WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: Definitely not!
WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND: Of course I do.
WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan).
WIFE: Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?
WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.
WIFE: - - silence - -
HUSBAND: F * ck....
HUSBAND: Definitely not!
WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND: Of course I do.
WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan).
WIFE: Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?
WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.
WIFE: - - silence - -
HUSBAND: F * ck....
Mar 11th 2013, 5:18 am
#262
.
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 20,185
Re: a joke
"I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died.'"
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought 'he's trying to pull a fast one'.
Do you know what really makes my blood boil?
Crematoriums
Steven Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years.
His Glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees.
Apparently she stood him up.
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died.'"
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought 'he's trying to pull a fast one'.
Do you know what really makes my blood boil?
Crematoriums
Steven Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years.
His Glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees.
Apparently she stood him up.
Mar 11th 2013, 5:21 am
#263
I said what ?!
Joined: Aug 2010
Location: Peterborough, Ontario.
Posts: 1,079
Re: a joke
Valentines gift idea anyone ...
Mar 11th 2013, 5:28 am
#264
Oscar nominated
Joined: Jan 2008
Location: Moncton, NB, CANADA
Posts: 51,865
Re: a joke
My recent experiences like this include emails which have made a clear reference to a n other not responding to emails, only for the reply to suggest I email a n other on the very same email address not getting any replies.
Last edited by BristolUK; Mar 11th 2013 at 5:31 am.
Mar 11th 2013, 5:32 am
#265
I said what ?!
Joined: Aug 2010
Location: Peterborough, Ontario.
Posts: 1,079
Re: a joke
It is actually written by the comedian Shelly Berman who published it in one of his books - 'A Hotel is a Place' in 1972.
Last edited by Animal; Mar 11th 2013 at 5:35 am.
Mar 24th 2013, 11:48 am
#266
Stand-up Philosopher
Joined: Apr 2009
Location: Regina Saskatchewan
Posts: 16,344
Re: a joke
I called the local Humane Society and explained that I'd been walking along a country road and found a suitcase containing a mother fox and 4 young kits. The girl asked, "Were they moving?" I replied, "To be honest, I'm not sure, but that would explain the suitcase."
Mar 28th 2013, 9:42 am
#268
Stand-up Philosopher
Joined: Apr 2009
Location: Regina Saskatchewan
Posts: 16,344
Re: a joke
Last night I reached for my bottle of liquid Viagra on the night-stand and accidentally swigged from a bottle of White-Out. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
.
I got sacked from the Salvation Army soup kitchen - all I said was, "C'mon, hurry up! Some of us have homes to go to, you know!
.
Saw a sign in a shop window, '42" Flatscreen TV, Volume stuck on full, $5.00'
I thought, "I can't turn that down...."
.
I got sacked from the Salvation Army soup kitchen - all I said was, "C'mon, hurry up! Some of us have homes to go to, you know!
.
Saw a sign in a shop window, '42" Flatscreen TV, Volume stuck on full, $5.00'
I thought, "I can't turn that down...."
Mar 28th 2013, 2:02 pm
#269
BEd Enthusiast
Joined: Nov 2012
Location: North Coast, BC
Posts: 671
Re: a joke
Just to remind us all of the true meaning of Easter...
Jesus Christ is dying on the cross, his disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, "Peter, come hither!" Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard.
He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disciples when he hears Jesus calling again, "Peter, come hither!" So, again Peter tries to climb the cross to get to his lord, when the roman soldier draws his sword and chops Peter's arm off. But again Jesus summons.
The roman guard can't believe that Peter is trying yet again to climb to the cross, and chops off his other arm. Peter is now covered in blood and demented from the blow to the head and wants to call it a day. Jesus hoarsely croaks, "Peter, please, come to me!" By now, the roman guard is tired of chopping limbs, so he lets Peter be.
The faithful disciple struggles to climb to the cross (without arms mind you) and after a long while he finally arrives at his Lord's side. Hurting, suffering, bleeding, Peter looks into his Master's eyes and asks, "yes, my Lord. What is it?"
Jesus smiles lovingly and looks off into the distance as a weak smile plays across his face, "Look Peter, I can see your house from here!"
Jesus Christ is dying on the cross, his disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, "Peter, come hither!" Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard.
He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disciples when he hears Jesus calling again, "Peter, come hither!" So, again Peter tries to climb the cross to get to his lord, when the roman soldier draws his sword and chops Peter's arm off. But again Jesus summons.
The roman guard can't believe that Peter is trying yet again to climb to the cross, and chops off his other arm. Peter is now covered in blood and demented from the blow to the head and wants to call it a day. Jesus hoarsely croaks, "Peter, please, come to me!" By now, the roman guard is tired of chopping limbs, so he lets Peter be.
The faithful disciple struggles to climb to the cross (without arms mind you) and after a long while he finally arrives at his Lord's side. Hurting, suffering, bleeding, Peter looks into his Master's eyes and asks, "yes, my Lord. What is it?"
Jesus smiles lovingly and looks off into the distance as a weak smile plays across his face, "Look Peter, I can see your house from here!"
Last edited by cjones; Mar 28th 2013 at 2:08 pm.
Mar 29th 2013, 4:15 am
#270
Banned
Joined: Aug 2009
Location: Keswick, ON
Posts: 237
Re: a joke
A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow Airport for New York and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo-she took the seat right beside him.
``Hello`` he blurted out, ``Business trip or vacation ?``
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said ``Business, I`m going to the annual nymphomaniacs convention in the USA``
He swallowed hard, here was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs !!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked ``What`s your business role at this convention ?``
``Lecturer`` she responded, ``I use my experience to disprove some of the popular myths about sexuality``
``Really`` he smiled ``What myths are they ?``
``Well`` she explained ``One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it`s the Native American Indian who is most likely to posess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish``
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed ``I`m sorry`` she said ``I really shouldn`t be discussing this with you, I don`t even know your name``
``Tonto`` the man said ``Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy``
``Hello`` he blurted out, ``Business trip or vacation ?``
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said ``Business, I`m going to the annual nymphomaniacs convention in the USA``
He swallowed hard, here was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs !!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked ``What`s your business role at this convention ?``
``Lecturer`` she responded, ``I use my experience to disprove some of the popular myths about sexuality``
``Really`` he smiled ``What myths are they ?``
``Well`` she explained ``One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it`s the Native American Indian who is most likely to posess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish``
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed ``I`m sorry`` she said ``I really shouldn`t be discussing this with you, I don`t even know your name``
``Tonto`` the man said ``Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy``
