Social Security innit!
My Dog


I took my Dog to sign on for benefits this morning.

The woman said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw benefit".


I explained to her that my Dog is black, unemployed, idle, can't speak a word of English and has no clue who it's dad is.


She looked in her policy book to see if it would qualify.

He gets his first cheque on Friday.

Damn this is a great country.

The other day, a gentleman went to the Dentist's office to have a tooth pulled. The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him a shot."No way"! No needles! "I hate needles", the man said.

The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected. "I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me"!

The Dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills".

The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet".

The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, "WOW"! "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer"!

"It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth"

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The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard.”

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer.

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard.”

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom,
"Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime.
But no more outbursts from you or I'll charge you with contempt.
Is that understood.”

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says,
"I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one.”

A business man got on an elevator.

When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright,
"T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied,
"S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated,
"T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered,
"S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly,
"T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again,
"S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God, It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered,
"'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'-- duuhhh.

NOAH TODAY

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Australia and said: "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain in Queensland first for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark!

"Noah!," He roared, "I've started the rain in Queensland! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."

"I needed a Building Permit."

"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for an on-board sprinkler system."

"My neighbours claim that I've violated the Neighbourhood By-laws by building the Ark in my backyard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Council Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Mopoke."

"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the the Mopokes - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building gang."

"Immigration are checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work."

"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the Australian Taxation Office seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it will take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared over Queensland , the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky." Noah looked up in wonder and asked,

"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord.

"The Australian Government beat me to it."

I wonder if you've heard that party-goers in Yorkshire have taken to injecting ecstasy directly into their mouths using dental syringes.

The practice is known as E by gum.

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight, starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive..

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!' Then he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even.

The Italian Lover, a virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome , when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, "No, I Danish."

A cop pulled me over the other night and his big German Shepherd was sniffing me and barking and whining, and he said, "My dog tells me you're on drugs," and I said
"ME?, you're the one with the f***ing talking dog!"

The plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish
captain; his co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown
together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a
mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the
auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese..'

'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!'

'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That
Japanese, not Chinese.'

'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... ..doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence.

'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.

'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.

'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the
captain, 'It was an iceberg!'

Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ....nomattah...all same!

I suppose, in retrospect, what I should of posted on Facebook is "Blew the transmission on my '97 Ford", instead of "I f***ed a 14 year old escort." But hey, a few hours at the police station helped the evening go by.