If Women Ruled the World - Top Ten

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http://www.anvari.org/cols/If_Women_...the_World.html

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...?? WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that: A one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; A two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and A three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, One note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

* The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

* My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

* My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

* I had no control over the drooling.

* Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.

* I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

Dinner with “the girls”

A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for
dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean
View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice bums.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should
meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and
the wine selection was good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should
meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and
quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should
meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair
accessible and they even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should
meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

A Utah Mormon was seated next to an Irish Catholic on a flight back to States from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey and a glass of Guinness, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drinks back to the attendant and said,
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

Make sure you are properly protected

THE correct insurance companies for sex insurance are ........

SEX with your wife -legal & general

SEX with your future wife-Mutual Trust

SEX with your secretary - Employers Liability

SEX with a prostitute - Commercial Union

SEX on the telephone- Direct line

SEX with your biographer - Quote me happy

SEX in a hurry- Insure & go

SEX with your boyfriend -standard life

SEX with a transvestite- confused . com

SEX with some one different - go compare . com

SEX with an animal - compare the meerkat . com

SEX with a fat bird - More Than

SEX on the back seat - sheila's wheels

SEX with an o.a.p- saga

SEX with a posh bird - privilege .com

SEX with a sheep - Farmers Union

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

HELL EXPLAINED

BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.




The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :




Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?





Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.




One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.


Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.




This gives two possibilities:


1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.


2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'



THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

Brilliant!

Barman says "sorry mate, we don't serve time travellers in here"




Time traveller walks into a bar

I was sitting in the park the other day, head in my hands contemplating how long it'd been since my last shag, and wondering how far the next one was away.

Bloke walks past and says "cheer up mate it might never happen"


twat!!

Interviewer: Now, could you describe yourself in 3 words for me?

Me: Lazy

The pill. The second best thing a woman can put in her mouth to avoid pregnancy.

Howard Webb's kids have denied their Dad is a secret Man Utd fan. "He is totally unbiased" Alex, George, Bobby, Matt and Cristiano stated.....

I bought Bonnie Tyler's car last year on ebay.

It's ****ing awful, every now and then it falls apart.

I got up this morning about 8 ish, and noticed how quiet the house was, usually I can hear the wife pottering around, putting the kettle on and making my breakfast.

I got up, curious to see what was/or wasn't occurring, and I walked downstairs, with no signs of movement in the lounge or rumpus, I went into the kitchen and found the kettle freshly boiled and a mug of tea, but no wife

I went into the laundry, and there I found her, she had clearly slipped on the floor, and knocked her head on something, I checked for breathing and pulse but nothing, I tried CPR and mouth to mouth, to no avail, at this point I was really starting to panic, til I thought 'hang on Maccers do brekky til 10:30'