ALERTS TO TERROR THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE

By John Cleese


The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

--- John Cleese, 2011

Top 10 inappropriate uses of the 'F' word

10 - Scattered ****in showers my arse - Noah 4314BC

9 - How the **** did you work that out?? - Pythagoras 126BC

8 - You want WHAT on the ****in ceiling??? - Michaelangelo 1566

7 - Where did all those ****in indians come from? - Custer 1877

6 - It does so ****in look like her - Picasso 1926

5 - Where the **** are we?? - Amelia Earhart 1937

4 - Any ****in idiot could understand that!! - Albert Einstein 1938

3 - What the **** was that?? - Mayor of Hiroshima 1945

2 - I need this parade like I need a ****in hole in the head - JFK 1963

1 - Aw come on, who the ****'s gonna find out - Tiger Woods 2009

In 1872, the Kiwis invented the worlds first condom, by using a sheeps bladder

In 1873, the Aussies refined the design somewhat by removing the bladder from the sheep first

My wife and I have both been in a deep depression of late, and yesterday we both decided to commit suicide.

Strage thing happened though, after she killed herself I started to feel alot fetter so I thought **** it soldier on

My wife and I were at home watching television.

I had the remote and was switching back & forth between a fishing channel
and the porn channel.

She became more and more annoyed and finally said:

"For God's sake! LEAVE IT ON THE PORN CHANNEL!

You already know how to fish!"

A man buy’s a Budgie, It keeps repeating



“Am a Glesca Budgie am hard as f**k”







After a week the man gets so fed up he buys a Kestrel

Puts it in the cage and said “Let’s see how hard you are now”



Next morning the Kestrels dead, Budgie said



“Am a Glesca Budgie am hard as f**k”



Man buys a Buzzard puts it in the cage



Next morning the Buzzards dead and the Budgie said



“Am a Glesca Budgie am hard as f**k”



Man buys a Golden Eagle puts it in the cage



Next morning the Eagles dead and the Budgie has no feathers left?



Budgie says “Hid tae take ma jaikit aff fur that ******”

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.




I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying 'Hello.'

I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it,and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!'

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a ! 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole,too.

I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said, 'Yes, it is.'

I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked, 'What's your name?'

He said, 'My name is Don Hansen,'

I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said, 'Yes?'

I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!'

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea.

I called asshole #1.

He said, 'Hello.'

I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, 'Are you still there?'

I said, 'Yeah,'

He screamed, 'Stop calling me,'

I said, 'Make me,'

He asked, 'Who are you?'

I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.

He said, 'Hello?'

I said, 'Hello, asshole,'

He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said, 'You'll what?'

He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,'

I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that I was on my way home to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down on Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .

I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen."

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy woman busy.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find
himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change my supplier I think.

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.. I think they must have been Hovis Witnesses.

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The
Parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious
And laced with profanity. John tried and tried to
Change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only
Polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
Think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the
Parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation,
Threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the
Freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked
And screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard
For over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened
The door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out
Onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I
May have offended you with my rude language and
Actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my
Inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do
Everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a
Dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very
Softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?

What really happened when Elton John and David Furnish decided to have a baby.



They had their sperm mixed together and had a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it. When the baby was born Elton and David were waiting at the hospital. They were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of whom were crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby was smiling serenely. A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.



"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton said to David. "All these unhappy babies .... and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!"



The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his butt!"

driving test

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his
father as to when they could discuss his use of the car...

His father said he'd make a deal: 'You bring your grades up from a C
to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then
we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the
offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your
grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible,
but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the
Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong
Evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
Your going to love the Dad's reply:


(YOU`RE GONNA "'LOVE" THIS ANSWER) .........













---- his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked
everywhere they went?

Last month I became a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping.

Simply dropping into Tesco 's for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic.

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot.

They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another supermarket store, in my case, Sainsbury's .

You agree and they both get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing, and both get completely naked.

Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen Nov 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, and 29th. Also dec 1st, 4th, twice yesterday and very likely again this coming weekend.

P.S. Aldi have wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl are £1.75 and look better.

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening.


He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife
with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart,
Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were
still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, 'I
think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your
wife those loving pet names'.

The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her
name slipped my mind about 10 years ago ,and I'm scared to death to ask
the cranky old bitch what her name is.'