The 2011 Joke thread
Apr 14th 2011 | 7:46 am
#136
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 340
From: Melbourne
Re: The 2011 Joke thread
David Blane's record of 40 days in a box doing nothing has been broken by Fernando Torres.
Apr 14th 2011 | 11:14 am
#137
Stand-up Philosopher
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 16,344
From: Regina Saskatchewan
Re: The 2011 Joke thread
Does anybody know how to cancel an ebay bid? I offered $45 on a Small Cowboy Outfit and now I'm 20 minutes away from owning Portsmouth FC.
Apr 15th 2011 | 9:28 pm
#138
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 3,690
From: Bonnie Scotland
Re: The 2011 Joke thread
Two old guys, one 80 one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning..
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great
stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... by the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me."
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great
stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... by the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me."
Apr 16th 2011 | 9:12 pm
#139
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 3,690
From: Bonnie Scotland
Re: The 2011 Joke thread
After a visit to the whore house,
a man notices green lumps on his willy,
so he goes to the doctors.
“That’s serious†says the doctor.
“You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?â€
“Yes†says the man seriously.
“Well†says the doctor “You’ve got brothel sprouts.â€
a man notices green lumps on his willy,
so he goes to the doctors.
“That’s serious†says the doctor.
“You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?â€
“Yes†says the man seriously.
“Well†says the doctor “You’ve got brothel sprouts.â€
Apr 19th 2011 | 1:55 am
#140
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 3,690
From: Bonnie Scotland
Re: The 2011 Joke thread
Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Russ!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?' 'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her? 'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.
'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Russ!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?' 'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her? 'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.
'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
Apr 20th 2011 | 9:50 am
#141
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 3,690
From: Bonnie Scotland
Re: The 2011 Joke thread
A blonde chick gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.
She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are
running around having fun.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.
'It's best I stay here.' he says.
'Why?' says the blonde.
The boy says: "Because I'm the bloody goal keeper!!!â€
She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are
running around having fun.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.
'It's best I stay here.' he says.
'Why?' says the blonde.
The boy says: "Because I'm the bloody goal keeper!!!â€
Apr 21st 2011 | 4:07 am
#142
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 3,690
From: Bonnie Scotland
Re: The 2011 Joke thread
A Mother had 3 virgin daughters..
They were all getting married within a short time period.
Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.
The card said nothing but: 'Nescafe'
Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar..
It said: 'Good till the last drop'.
Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding,
and the card read: 'Rothmans'
Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes,
and she read from the pack: 'Extra Long. King Size'
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in Auckland , New Zealand .
Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing..
Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words 'Air New Zealand '
Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ.
The ad said
'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'
Mum fainted
They were all getting married within a short time period.
Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.
The card said nothing but: 'Nescafe'
Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar..
It said: 'Good till the last drop'.
Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding,
and the card read: 'Rothmans'
Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes,
and she read from the pack: 'Extra Long. King Size'
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in Auckland , New Zealand .
Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing..
Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words 'Air New Zealand '
Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ.
The ad said
'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'
Mum fainted
Apr 24th 2011 | 12:52 am
#143
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 3,690
From: Bonnie Scotland
Re: The 2011 Joke thread
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife of 40 years, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looked him over. "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different?
It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife of 40 years, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looked him over. "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different?
It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."
Apr 26th 2011 | 3:25 am
#144
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 3,690
From: Bonnie Scotland
Re: The 2011 Joke thread
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane. He turned to her and said,
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger,
'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger.
'How about nuclear power?' and he smiled.
OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet, a deer excretes little pellets,
while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says,
'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies,
'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger,
'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger.
'How about nuclear power?' and he smiled.
OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet, a deer excretes little pellets,
while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says,
'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies,
'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
Apr 26th 2011 | 4:52 am
#145
Stand-up Philosopher
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 16,344
From: Regina Saskatchewan
Re: The 2011 Joke thread
I asked the pharmacist if viagra works and he said "Sure it does." Then I asked "Can you get it over the counter?" and he answered, "Maybe, if I take two..."
Apr 27th 2011 | 1:10 am
#146
Not actually a squirrel
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 3,446
From: England
Re: The 2011 Joke thread
A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'
Tommy Cooper
Tommy Cooper
May 1st 2011 | 12:27 am
#147
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 666
Re: The 2011 Joke thread
THE BOTTLE OF WINE
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman.
The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
'What in bag?' asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
'Good trade'
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman.
The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
'What in bag?' asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
'Good trade'
May 1st 2011 | 12:31 am
#148
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 666
Re: The 2011 Joke thread
Alzheimer's Test for Modern Seniors
You have 5 seconds only to guess these words.
1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Answers:
1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM
You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?
Have a nice day
You have 5 seconds only to guess these words.
1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Answers:
1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM
You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?
Have a nice day
May 3rd 2011 | 2:53 pm
#149
I'm Old Gregg!
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,460
From: A Former Bogan Colony in QLD
Re: The 2011 Joke thread
A Male Fairy Tale:
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess Will you marry me?
The Princess said NO!
The Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and f****d skinny big t!tted broads and hunted and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and f****d cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was f****n cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up ..... The end.
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess Will you marry me?
The Princess said NO!
The Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and f****d skinny big t!tted broads and hunted and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and f****d cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was f****n cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up ..... The end.
May 3rd 2011 | 4:13 pm
#150
Chan eil aon chà nan gu le
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 22,437
From: On the ning nang nong
