A man buy’s a Budgie, It keeps repeating

“Am a Glesga Budgie I’m as hard as f**k”



After a week the man gets so fed up he buys a Kestrel

Puts it in the cage and said “Let’s see how hard you are now”


Next morning the Kestrels dead, Budgie said

“Am a Glesga Budgie I’m as hard as f**k”


Man buys a Buzzard puts it in the cage

Next morning the Buzzards dead and the Budgie said

“Am a Glesga Budgie I’m as hard as f**k”


Man buys a Golden Eagle puts it in the cage

Next morning the Eagles dead and the Budgie has no feathers left?


Scroll down
















Budgie says “Hid tae take ma jaikit aff fur that ******”





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Golf Joke



An elderly Scottish Jew has decided to take it a little easier and take up
golf. So he puts his name down at the local club.
After a week he receives a message that his application has been turned
down. So he goes down to the club to enquire why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?

Scot: Aye but I am as Scottish as you are Jock.

Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.

Scot: Aye, so do I.

Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?

Scot: Aye, neither do I.

Secretary: But you are a Jew?

Scot: Aye, I be that.

Secretary: So you are circumcised?

Scot: Aye, I be that too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel
comfortable with that.

Scot: Ach, away with ya man. I know that you have to be a Protestant to
march with the Orangemen.
And I know that you have to be a Catholic to become a Knight of Saint
Columbus. But this is the first time I heard that you have to be a complete
prick to join a golf club.

I'm still in the Cells. . I got stopped by the Police last night as part of their drink driving campaign. The policewoman asked me "How many drinks have you had in the last 24 hours sir?" Apparently the correct answer wasn't "Not enough to want to take you home" . . . .

A primary school teacher explains to her class that she is a Leeds United fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are Leeds United fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Leeds United fan," she replied.
The teacher,still shocked, asked, "Well if you are not a Leeds United fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I am a Grimsby fan and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why pray tell, why are you a Grimsby fan?"
"Because my mum is a Grimsby fan, and my dad is a Grimsby fan, so I'm a Grimsby fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "That is no reason for you to be a Grimsby fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?"
"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Leeds United fan".

LMAO...heard it before but still makes me chuckle!!

Lord, we thank Thee for the noodles we are about to recieve.
Ramen

Think outside of the box

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading.







This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.


YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS................... The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."
HOWEVER....., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

God, I just love happy endings

It's nearly time for our Halloween Party so I went to a fancy dress shop to buy a dracula costume. The girl offered me an Arsenal shirt .....I said to her 'Sorry love I think you misheard, I said I want to look like a count!'

Paul McCartney is already upset with his new wife, apparently she is spending twice as much on shoes as the last one

Twin sisters in a Newfoundland Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old.

The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE.." So they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.

Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD!! - BOTH OF US?"

Me likey!!

Sh!t in it WOO

Paddy, Mike, and Sean were playing poker one night and Sean lost 500 pounds on a single hand, then immediately had a massive heart attack and expired on the spot. Mike said it was terrible, but he dreaded having to tell Sean's widow. Paddy said "I'll take care of it." He went to the house and knocked on the door. An angry Mrs. Sean comes down in a minute demanding to know why the disturbance at 2 AM. Paddy says "Sean's just lost 500 pound at poker and he's scared to come home." "Tell him to drop dead", she says.
- "I will, good night ma'am."

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies.

She frantically calls a "May Day ! "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me!
Please help me!"

All of a sudden, she hears a voice over the radio saying:

"The is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.
Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

"O.K." says the voice from the tower................
"Repeat after me: Our Father, who art in Heaven. . . .."

I have a new party trick.

I swallow two pieces of string and when I poo them out they are tied together.

I shit you knot!