Guy goes into library, asks librarian for a book on suicide, the librarian says f__k off you'll not bring it back

NOT FOR THE EASILY OFFENDED


















What do you call a muslim with a slice of ham on his head ?

Hamed



What do you call a muslick with 2 slice of ham on his head ?

Mohamed

Dr Smith sleeps with one of his patients, in a weak moment. He is tortured with guilt. In one ear his conscience is saying, . . . . You're a single man. Dont worry about it. . . . . In his other ear his conscience is saying, . . . . . . . . .You're a ****ing vet, you sick bastard!

Some nicknames given to Glasgow characters by their friends and workmates:

Twa Soups - his real name is Campbell Baxter.
Norrie Twa Bunnets - the Glasgow taxi-driver who wears a wig under his cloth cap.

The Colostomy - the girlfriend of a married man (i.e. the wee bag on the side).

The Boomerang Kid - whenever anyone at work asks a question, he always
replies: "I'll get back to you on that."

The Parachute - lets everyone down at the last minute.

Cashline - an experienced young lass who's open 24 hours a day.

Vaseline - his real name is Willie Burns.

Bo Derek - a chap called Derek with terrible body odour.

Brewer's Droop - his real name is Willie Falls ..

The Genie - magically appears whenever anyone opens a bottle.

Dulux - his pals reckon he's only got one coat.

Soapy - washes his hands of any problems that crop up..

Captain Hook - continually late for work. It's believed he must be
scared of the alarm clock.

The Yeti - always on the sick. There have been many unconfirmed
sightings of this guy, but nobody can prove he actually exists.

The Gas Man - he's serviced loads of old boilers.

The Hostage - when anyone asks for help he always replies: "Sorry, my
hands are tied."

The Chernobyl Jannie - during the mid-Eighties this guy had a really
bad complexion.

The Woodpecker - he's always tapping.

Mussolini - a woman in an office in Glasgow who has rather loose
morals (aka The Great Dicktaker)

The Olympic Flame - He never goes oot

Mick and Paddy

Stu died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Mick and Paddy.

The three men had always done everything together.

Mick arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Mick said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad.

You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Mick said, 'Nope, ain't Stu.'

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Paddy in to confirm the identity of the body....

Paddy looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.

Roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Paddy said, 'No, it ain't Stu'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Paddy said, 'Well, Stu had two arseholes.'

'What? He had two arseholes?' asked the mortician

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

There's Stu with them two arseholes.'

Shamelessly nicked from the Goa forum.

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new
procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at
the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin
and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.
Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob,
and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking
and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with
two problems.
All these years, everything has been working just
fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always
loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying
problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob
won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

Little Barry came into the kitchen where his mother was cooking dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted: 'Mum, I want a bike for my birthday.'

Little Barry was a bit of a troublemaker. He had got into trouble at school and at home. Barry's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Barry, of course, thought he did.


Barry's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God, and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Barry stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Barry.

Barry knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 2:

Dear God,

This is your friend Barry. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,
Barry.

Barry knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:

Dear God,

I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.

Your friend,
Barry.


Barry knew he could not send this letter to God either. Barry was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.


Barry's mother thought her plan had worked because Barry looked very sad. 'Just be home in time for dinner,' his mother said. Barry walked down the street to the church and up to the altar.




He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

Barry began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 4:

I'VE GOT YOUR MUM.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!!!

There were three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde. They all worked together at an office. Every day they noticed that their boss left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that today when the boss left, they would all leave early too.
The boss left and so did they. The Brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning. The Red Head went home to get in a quick work out before her dinner date. The Blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She opens the door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her boss, so she shut the door and left.
The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head are talking about going home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early again.
"No," she says, "yesterday I nearly got caught!"

New Mexico Chili Cookoff
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico .

Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
If you pay attention to the first two judges,
the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza . Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL .

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3.”


Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S "MANIAC MONSTER" CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.



CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S "AFTERBURNER" CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.



CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE BARN" CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.



CHILI # 4-- BUBBA'S "BLACK MAGIC"
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?



CHILI # 5 - LISA'S "LEGAL LIP REMOVER"
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.



CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S "VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY"
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.



CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S "SCREAMING SENSATION" CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.



CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S "TOENAIL CURLING" CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella. Wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report.

oh wow....yes...I was in tears!!! Excellent!!

My Welsh mate was found dead the other day and it looks like he went just how he would of wanted. He passed away peacefully in his sheep.

A blonde orders a beer.

The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them... The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.

Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens. So after the third beer, a guy decides to help the bartender out. The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts and she decks him!

He is lying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady...
Why do you let the bartender do it?'





























'Duh,' says the blonde,
'He has a licker license!'

Q: What's blue and screws old women?
A: Hypothermia

Take Two

Q: What's blue and screws old women?
A: Me in my lucky blue coat! :-)

I went out with a Welsh girl with 36 DD's .... it was a ridiculously long name.

A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in discussion
during dinner.

Catholic: "I have a large fortune....I am going to buy Citibank!"

Protestant: "I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!"
Muslim: "Since I am a fabulously rich prince.... I intend to purchase
Microsoft!"
They then all wait for the Jew to speak.

The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a
sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says:

"I'm not selling,"