A man got on the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked; "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow? "

little boy asked his dad,"What's in between mommy's legs?" The dad said,"A door and I have the key to it." Little boy said,"Well your friend has the spare key"

Little boy in bath discovers his naughty bits. "Are these my brains mummy?"

"Not yet dear."

A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He sits down at the bar to have a drink when the bartender screams,

"Did you see what your Monkey just did?"

"No, what?" asks the man

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...WHOLE!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy,

"He eats everything in sight, I'm sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again and has his Monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the Monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the Monkey finds a bowl of
Maraschino Cherries on the bar.

He grabs one, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it. Then the
Monkey finds a peanut, again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted,

"Did you see what your Monkey did now?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck a cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," the guy replied,

"He still eats everything in sight but ever since he had to crap that cueball, he measures everything first."

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
Family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my
Intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother,
Cause I still have mine.'

___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,
Took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife
At all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really
Good with the kids.'

___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
Been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
That were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll
Take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

___________________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and
Asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in
Surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'
___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display
Of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since
I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's
Advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap
Of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by
Even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's
There.'

Spanish fireman calls his twins hose A and hose B.

This one made me laugh:

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting. "Entschuldigung, können Sie Deutsch sprechen?" He asks. The two Englishmen just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez-vous français?" The two continue to stare. "Parlate italiano?" No response. "Hablan Ustedes espagnol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first Englishman turns to the second and says: "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language…"

"Why?" says the other, "that bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:






1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.








2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.








3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.








4. A dog's parents never visit.








5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.








6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.








7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..








8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.








9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"










10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.








11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.








12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.








13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.







And last, but certainly not least:






14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.





Ultimate True Test: Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. Then open the trunk and see who's the happiest to see you

There was a brothel at the top of a hill, with a large red light at the bottom of the hill.


There were four men ...


one was walking briskly up the hill;
one was inside the brothel;
one was walking slowly down the hill and
the fourth man was sitting in his car at the bottom of the hill.






What were the nationalities of the four men?
































* The man going up the hill: was rushin
* The man in the brothel: him-a-layin
* The man walking down the hill: was finish


Now wait for it ......................................!!!!!!


Ya gonna hate this ....................................






* The man in the car at the bottom was Irish, and he was waiting for the light to turn green!

- Pa, you gotta fix the outside loo

- Ma, there's nothing wrong with it.

- Pa, stick your head down the pan.

- Ma, there's nothing wrong with it.

- Pa, now pull your head out.

- Aw Ma, my beard's caught in the crack in the seat!

- Yeah Pa, hurts dont it.

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack.

"Grumpy, my son" says the Pope, "What can I do for you".

Grumpy asks "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome?".

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope - puzzled now - again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe".

This time all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter, and once again Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?". The Pope, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry my son there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world".

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they began chanting . . . . .

"Grumpy shagged a penguin"
"Grumpy shagged a penguin"

Pat and Joe are sitting in a pub all day and both are drunk. Pat tells Joe; "Joe, your my best friend in the whole world and I love you to bits". Joe tells Pat to shut up as its the drink talking, but Pat is insistent; '"I swear Joe if I had two million quid I'd give you a million. If I had two houses I'd give you one. If I had two cars I'd give you one". Joe replies, "If you had two bikes would you give me one"?

Pat looks at Joe and replies, "Would you f**k off Joe you know I have two bikes".

Barack Obama is sitting in the oval office and an aide runs in saying "Mr President, three brazilian soldiers were killed in Afghanistan today".

Barack puts his head in his hands and says "Oh my god . . . how many millions is in three brazilians".

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor every time i sneeze i get this massive erection".

The doctor replies, "Have you taken anything for it?" The man replies "Yes, pepper!"

Three bodies get taken in to the morgue one night, and each has a big grin on their faces.

The undertaker says to the policeman, "Strange to have three at the same time, and all with such big grins".

The policeman replies, "Well, the first one died having sex with his mistress. The second won the lottery and died of alcoholic poisoning. The third one is a little unusual; that's Paddy from Dublin, and he got struck by a bolt of lightning. The daft bugger thought he was having his picture taken".