My wife has thrown me out on the streets since she found me measuring my penis.

Turns out it reaches the back of her sisters throat

PMSL

The Egyptian government have come up with a plan to stop the riots in Cairo.

They've told their people to get in their cars, honk the horn and chill out.

They're calling it "Toot-n-Kalm-Doon"

Some feel that there is no difference between 'COMPLETE' & 'FINISHED'...

But there is.



When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE...

And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED...

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are... COMPLETELY FINISHED

From Thomas Cook Holidays - listing some of the guest's complaints during the season.






1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger
nuts."

2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should
be banned
3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

5. A tourist at a top African game lodge over looking a water hole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the
sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

6. A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not
disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

7. "The beach was too sandy."

8. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

9. A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

10. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

11. "We bought' Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50)from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

12. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

13. "There was no egg slicer in the apartment..."

14. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish..."

15. "The roads were uneven.."

16. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

17. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

18. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying there?"

19. "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners '-- now -- live abroad'."

20. "We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

21. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

22. "I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

23. "My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact
that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer,

and at the appropriate point in the process,

she told him that he would now need to enter a password.

Something he could remember easily

and will use each time he has to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood

and figured he would try for the shock effect

to bring this to his wife's attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password,

he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in...

P...

E...

N...

I...

S...

His wife fell off her chair

laughing when the computer replied:

PASSWORD REJECTED....... NOT LONG ENOUGH ....





An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.

He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out,

'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'

'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?

Am I to count you as a believer?

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very well,' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:



'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'

A blonde & her husband are lying in bed
listening to the next door neighbor's dog.
It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this."
She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed
and her husband says, "The dog is still barking,
what have you been doing?"
The blonde says,
"I put the dog in our backyard,
let's see how THEY like it! "


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Two Blondes With Hammers...

Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work
on a Habitat for Humanity House
Lynn was nailing down house siding,
would reach into her nail
pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it
over her shoulder or nail it in.

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked,
"Why are you throwing those nails away?"
Lynn explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch,
about half of them have the head on the wrong end
& I throw them away." Judy got completely upset & yelled,
"You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Did you hear about the two blondes
who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

You might have to think twice about this one.

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'

'No, silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, & then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000 for these implants...

I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor.

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

'So then?'

'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad hailstorm.. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it To a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun... He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started blowing into her tailpipe.. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little harder, & still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
These are just too cute not to pass on!!!!

A blonde was shopping at Target &
came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took
it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos.....
It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'

'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she Bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk.
'What's that,' he asked?

'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot & cold things cold,' she replied..

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

The blond replied......
'Two popsicles & some coffee.'

+++++++++++++

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'

The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax & rest.'

'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it & I have the best chance of doing that here.'

The boss agrees & allows the blonde to work as usual.
A couple of hours pass & the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office & sees the blonde crying hysterically...

'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.

'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister Her mother died, too!'

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the
urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct
the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You
must be in year four.'

'No, love,' he replied.

"I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15"

A vicar was shown to the hotel room where he was going to stay for a few days. He enquired of the maid, "Is the porn channel disabled?", to which she replied, "No, you pervert - it's normal porn!"

After years of studying and doing as many puzzles and crosswords as possible, Paddy finally applied to become a member of MENSA. He was called in for a final interview in Dublin. He left early that morning all smartly dressed, but on arrival he couldn’t find a parking. He drove around for half an hour at least and time was ticking.

Eventually, out of desperation he looked up to heaven he said, "Dear Father God please take pity on me. If you find me a parking place in the next minute, I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life, I'll also give up drinking Guinness and Irish Whiskey and I’ll not say more than five swear words in every sentence". As he drove around the corner, miraculously, a parking space appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Oh never mind, I just found one."

God just shook his head and turned him into a blonde. He also turned her car to pink with a GPS (on and pre-programmed) so she could get home.

As a trucker stops for a red light on the A12 a blonde catches up.
She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"







The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck
stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her
car runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window.


As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"







Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the

street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again.







All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on
the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name
is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"







When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next
light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs
back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says,............







"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter and I'm driving the GRITTER

How many line dance instructors does it take to change a light bulb?

Five!...Six!...Seven!...Eight!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I was in Scotland the other day and I walked past a battered women's refuge.

They'll deep fry anything up there.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Gary Glitter is rumoured to be the new Aston Villa manager after hearing the strikers were Young, Bent, and possibly Keane.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

How do you recognise the porn star in the petrol station... when he finishes filling the tank, he sprays petrol on the bonnet

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

Iron Man is a 'Superhero'....Iron Woman is a simple instruction..

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Just got my new updated version of FIFA 11 , doesn't look any different , but when my missus picked up the controller Andy Gray shouted 'put that down and get back in the kitchen'....

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Gentle exercise for the more mature. I tried it, I liked it, you will too!


The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health

and maintain muscle mass

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!

SCROLL DOWN.............

NOW SCROLL UP.....

That's enough for the first day. Great job.

Have a glass of wine

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

The Mrs was arrested for shoplifting a tin of peaches

Judge asked how many peaches were in the tin, she said 6

So the judge sentenced her to 6 months in Prison, a month a peach

I jumped up and shouted, 'She stole a tin of sweetcorn too !'

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I was sitting on the train this morning, a really sexy Thai bird sat next to me.
I thought to myself, "please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection".
But she did.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Went to the Commission for Racial Equality's Annual do.

The invite said dress to kill; yet my burka, full beard and rucksack seemed to not go down well.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

***NEWSFLASH***
A lorry loaded with Vic's Vaporub has overturned on the A619.
Police think that there shouldn't be any congestion for at least 8 hours.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Little Johnny got kicked out of maths class today. The Teacher said to him: "If I gave you £20 and you paid £5 to Joanne, £5 to Claire and £5 to Katie, what would you have?" Aparently, three blowjobs and enough left for a kebab was not the answer the teacher was looking for!

haha good one

Just got back from competing in the 2010 world erection championships in London, did better than I expected I reached the semi's

x 2 !!! 4-0 up...drew 4-4!!!!

I hope so!!!!