BRAVE MAN JOKES


What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume,
then slaps his wife on the backside and says: 'You're next, fatty.'

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Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is
lying in bed reading.

Man says: 'This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache.'

Wife replies: 'I think you'll find that is a sheep.'

Man replies: 'I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep'

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A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, 'What are you doing?'

She answers, 'I'm moving to Sydney . I heard prostitutes there get paid
$400 for doing what I do for you for free.'

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees
her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm coming too I want to
see how you live on $800 a year'.

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A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litres
of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of
lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
'You must be single.'

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by
the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her
six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her
selection that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, 'Well, you know what, you're
absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cos you're ugly.'

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Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really
upset. She told him 'Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 10seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE
THERE.'

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up,
she looked out of the window and sure enough there was a small box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, she put on her robe, ran out on to the driveway and picked up the
box.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl
about to jump off a bridge so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What
are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to
miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't
you give me a Kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best
Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You
could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"




















"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

FOOTBALL AND THE BLONDE......
Out of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best!

Football FINALLY makes sense..........

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats
right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles,
but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents!

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game,
all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like...Helloooooooooooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!!!

U.S. Headlines of Year 2043

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the California's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.

Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.


Authentic year 2000 "Chad" sells at Sotheby's for $1.6 million.


Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2044.


Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.


35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.


Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.


Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.


Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.


Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.


Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.


New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2046.


Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.


IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.

>>Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed. <<

A bit too close to home to be funny.....

(Just this minute had my comfuser crash while downloading the Windows Seven SP1 file: halfway through the 2 hr download.

1. When I was born, I was given a choice: A big dick or a good memory....
I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying: 'No hard feelings.....'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men:
'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8 Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge....
If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small...

12.. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.
He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing..........

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying: 'Don't take your troubles to bed'.
Many men still sleep with their wives!!

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourselfspending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.

Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous.

Her mother reassured her;

'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.

Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'

So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.'

'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests.
Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!'

'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!'

Her Mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta.'

A reworked American joke:- "A public sector employee, a TodayTonight viewer, and a banker are sitting at a table with a plate of a dozen biscuits in the middle of it. The banker takes 11 biscuits, turns to the TT viewer and says, ‘Watch out for that Public sector guy. He wants a piece of your biscuit"...

SCOTTISH COMPASSION







A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England, Wales, and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said, 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, 'ave ya ever been fooked laddie?'
The man broke into a big smile and said, ‘no’.
She said, 'Aye - Ya will be when the tide comes in'.

Judy married Ted; they had 13 children.
Ted died.


She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.


Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.


Judy remarried again,


,.... and this time, she & John had 5 more children.


Judy finally died, after having 25 children.


Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.


He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."


Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:





"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"


Margaret replied:....


"I think he means her legs, Ethel...."

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front
door of a sex shop.

Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across
the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support,
stuttering she ask the sales clerk,

"Dooo youuuu have dilllldosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, "Yes
we do have dildos.

Actually we carry many different models."

The old woman then asks: "Doooo youuuu carrryy aaa pppinkk onnee,
tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss
ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbaatteries ?"

The clerk responds, "Yes we do.."

"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn iittt offfff?"

A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.
To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.
'Very good', says the teacher.
Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.
'Excellent.'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
'I had bugger all', he says, ' B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.
Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother.

That's why I got bugger all for breakfast'.