Last autumn I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him :

"You idiot ! You're supposed to turn your clock back !

It's the Giraffe test.

There are 4 questions. Don't miss one.


1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.






























The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.


2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?



































Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions..



3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend .... Except one. Which animal does not attend?



































Correct Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.


4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?



































Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
Professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most professionals do not have the brains of a four-year-old.




.

Over five thousand years ago Moses said to the children of Israel "Pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land"
Nearly fifty years ago Harold Wilson said "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land"

Then Gordon Brown stole your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the promised land.

Now David Cameron has loaned my shovel to a third World country, (he hasn't realised yet that WE are now a third World country thanks to all the billions of pounds, of our money, he has given in aid), raised my fuel bills, lent my money to a crowd of incompetent, greedy "Merchant bankers" and increased Vat to 20%.

I got so depressed last night I called the Samaritans they diverted my call to a call centre in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck

"I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

Won the best joke award at the Edinburg fringe for Nick Helms.
Worst joke winner was Paul Daniels, not a lot of people liked it.

I tried to use a new password....P*ENIS.

The reply came: Your password is too short.

I would just like to share an experience with you and it has to do with drinking and driving.
As you know I have had brushes with the authorities on the way home from the odd event
over the years. Well I have done something about it: ....

Last night I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had way too much beer and wine,
knowing full well I was drunk, I did something I've never done before. I took a bus home.
I arrived home safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since I had never driven
a bus before!

Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. 'that was my pager,' she said. I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, 'that was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.'

the older woman felt very low -tech. Not to be out done, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her arse.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.
The older woman finally said.........well, will you look at that....i'm getting a fax!!

What's red, white and black and cannot turn round in a lift ?
- a nun with a spear through her.




What's got 4 legs, white, and if it fell out of a tree on top of you it would kill you ?
- a fridge

christ.....they are awful!!

Two Exxex girls pick up perfume samples from the counter. Sharon sprays it on her wrist. 'That's nice innit don't you fink Trace?' 'Yeah, wot's it called?' 'Vien A Moi, wot the **** does that mean Shal?' The assistant pipes up 'It's French for Come To Me.' Shal sniffs again, 'Don't smell like come to me, does it to you Trace?'

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia but about to fly home to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.
"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu
that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the
only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also
advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.
Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.
Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around
the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last
opinion from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey."
"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."
"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu,
"those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

I didn't want to believe that my brother was stealing from his job as a road worker, but when I got home all the signs were there.

I came home the other night and found my wife dead on the floor and thought 'Once more' and I shagged her. Halfway through she opened her eyes and said 'BOO!' I jumped up and said 'You're ****ing sick, you are!'

The police came to the door last night, showed me a picture and asked if it was my wife. I said it was, and he said 'I'm afraid it looks as if she's been in a bad road accident.' I said 'I know, but she has a wonderful personality.'

Police have charged me with murdering a man with sandpaper. To be honest, I only wanted to rough him up a little.

Homesexual cowboy rode into town and shot up the sheriff

NOT FOR THE EASILY OFFENDED !!!!


Indian lesbian, "minjeata"

Chinese guy with bar through himm "ray ling"