and this one

DH gets that from male teenagers a lot.....esp. at the soccer games he refs.

... in a pirate barmaid's outfit.

Mrs. penguinbar, that is. I don't need to see Mr. penguinbar dressed like that no matter how good his legs are.

He could thread a few doubloons through his hair.

I've always found that being outlandishly stunning and gorgeous to be a drawback. A burden even.

that's why I don't wear lipstick, no sense in gilding the lily.

I know what you mean - that's why I don't usually wear a kilt.

Missus had a customer ask her which she thought was more handsome, this bloke or his brother...they're twins, what made it even more awkward, they look like they'd been hit by the ugly tree and landed on every branch through it.

I'd just have said: "Holy buggery, each of them is as ugly as a hat full of arseholes."

Oh, hang on, a customer? In that case...

I think the working phrase is "no subtitles." I have found that on second viewing, the subtitles can make things clearer. There was that fine Jamaican reggae file "The Harder They Come" released in the early '70s. The movie started with subtitles and about 15 minutes in, they disappeared. All that was necessary for an English speaking audience was to get them keyed in to the cadence and pronunciation of the language as spoken.

I had to use subtitles for Trainspotting

I've started riots before.

I didn't need subtitles - I gave up on that film when they started fishing around in the toilet..

I started the Trojan War

You risk getting done for indecent exposure, though.

Fighting over the last condom?