Stokkevn

Some people have got a brass neck. My French friend in the village has just sent me a condolence email about England loosing yesterday, but in the same mail he also asked if he could come round and watch the final ( you know between France and the team that had just beaten England ) at our place because his cable is not showing it.

It is Bastille day on Saturday so does anyone have any good suggestions for a good comeback email ( we are friends so not too nasty ).

mikemike

Tell him to come around a couple of hours earlier as you will be screening Waterloo

Stokkevn

Sticking with the football theme, like Germany during the last World Cup, Japan also had an octopus that was predicting the game results for this World Cup, unfortunately he got one wrong so his next public appearance was as Sashimi in a Tokyo restaurant.

Gazza-d

I take it he realises that kick off is going to be at 3am

Stokkevn

I am in so much trouble if her in doors finds out. She has always said that if she goes over a certain weight she would go on a strict diet. Today she went to weigh herself, just before she stepped on the scales she said she would have take off the heavy skirt she was wearing, I said don't bother, when you get on the scales just lift it up to waist height to take the weight off, she did and she was 0.2kg over the weight limit. Diet started this afternoon.

Philosophical 11

My lovely lady and I were dining at our local beach restaurant and trying out the new pizza menu. We opted for the 8" pizza which came in 8 slices. And jolly nice too. She then asked me how many extra slices the 11" pizza has. I tried to carefully explain it doesn't quite work like that and thought she had grasped the logic. She didn't. Next evening we ordered the same 8" pizza and told me solemnly that the slices were smaller. I said it was the same 8" pizza, to which she agreed.....but the 8 slices were smaller.

I suspect logic and reasoning are not her strong points....

Regards

Stokkevn

I think I would have avoided the "But whats?" and just said "11"

Stokkevn

Stayed up last night to watch the F1, when I went for my shower I noticed two huge spiders on the bedroom ceiling, when I came out there was only one, so in true macho fashion I grabbed my PJs and slept in a spare bedroom. 'Her in doors' was not best please that I had not woken her.

David Mashael

She is not alone.............

Stokkevn

Was given an ultimatum by her in doors that she would sleep in the spare room until I got rid of the spiders, managed to spin it out for nearly a week after they had left.

Stokkevn

My missus has long been complaining that her phone never seems to fully charge, I did not take a lot of notice because she is always on it but the other day she left it on charge all day while she was out. When she picked the phone up she said that it was still not fully charged and showed me, all I saw was '100%' so I told her it was fully charged. She came back and told me in a very teacher to dumb boy voice "No it is not, look it has only 3 bars showing"

Philosophical 11

Not exactly humorous....but bizarre. Hope that's ok.

My lovely wife and I always go to the beach each night and meet up with various friends. We sometimes get an unwelcome visitor who is a young lad in his 20's and obviously destitute and homeless. Problem is, he appears to be mentally retarded and on a high on various substances he stiffs from a plastic bag. It could be paint....judging by the various colours of his face or petrol. Or whatever. He rarely approaches us but stands a few metres away with that baleful look in his eyes and watches us eat. He normally has his shorts down by his knees and oblivious that he has various "bits" on full display. The other night he came up to our table and stood watching us eat. The problem was the aforementioned "bits" were resting on the table. Not the best sight to see when wolfing down a bratwurst....He was subsequently invited to go away....in no uncertain terms.

Another young lad who also sadly appears homeless and destitute just sits down quietly probably awaiting food or a handout. I used to give him loose change but advised not to because he used to take the money back to whence he came and was robbed by other homeless kids. He didn't know what the money was for so I am told. So instead, I bought him rice and chicken livers on a stick. When the waitress took it out to him, he initially refused but eventually accepted it. The waitress told me he thought it was just rice....and where was the meat? He later complained that there was no sauce to accompany his meal. That the last meal he gets from me.....

Regards

Stokkevn

Definitely bizarre, but also humorous imagining someone trying to calmly eat their supper with someone else's "bits" quietly resting on the other end of the table. One of the wife's distant relatives used to run around wearing only a tee shirt and waving his "bits" at anyone passing. Luckily he lived in the jungle with his grandmother so passing traffic was very limited.

Still trying to get the image of "bits" resting on the dining table out of my head.

bestvue

once seen cannot be unseen. Even in the imagination no sausages for me today thank you.

Stokkevn

Yesterday while walking the dogs I came across 2 surveyors marking out our track as it is going to be turned into a concrete road. They obviously did not have laser measurement tools but what they did have was a 50m tape measure ( missing 3.25m off the end ), no hammer, no marker pins, no paper & no pencil. They measured the distance and with a piece of bamboo took the missing 3.25m away from the measured distance by calculating it in the sand, the marker pins were replaced by bits of bamboo donated by wife's cousin, hammer was replaced by a large piece of bamboo found by the river and the flag markers were retrieved plastic sacks from the new recycle bins. They seemed happy with their work so went home, within minutes all those with properties affected by the new road were out and moved the bamboo pins to where there thought they should be. Nobody from the road building contractor seemed to notice that their proposed road had changed shape, so today the drainage units were installed and cemented in. The road incline is about 4 to 5 meters over about 300m distance, the new drainage box is now about 1m from the highest point.