Humorous Episodes

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Old Sep 16th 2017, 3:06 pm
  #46  
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Default Re: Humorous Episodes

Originally Posted by springsteen11 View Post
Philippine logic...

We have a bus service that goes from Bacolod to Sipalay quite frequently. The bus completes the round trip. When getting the bus from Sipalay to Bacolod it goes every 2 hrs so I am reliably told. But from Bacolod to Sipalay its every 30 mins. I think there is a lot of missing buses hiding somewhere.....

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Pete
From this I now understand our 'every 15 minute' jeepney service to Roxas City. What the unwary ( me being one of them ) do not know is that every 2nd one does a U turn at the next village and ends up at another village that is 2km further away from Roxas than we are. There you change jeepney to one that goes to Roxas, despite the original jeepney indicating that it goes to Roxas. Last time I went I got caught out by the 3 meanings of 'Yes' as highlighted in a previous post.
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Old Sep 17th 2017, 4:59 am
  #47  
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Not sure how humorous this is, but it came to mind when I was recently thinking about Filipino names.

Some time ago we had an excellent boy helper over a number of years. Every year in May he spent his leave in the Province. One year my wife, getting tired of the ironing, and having had no luck using other people to find one, asked him to look out for a girl helper while he was on leave.

After 2 or 3 weeks he duly arrived with one, said she was his sister who had unfortunately been abandoned by her boyfriend after giving birth.The baby was being looked after by her parents while she was away with us. And she needed money.

Being his sister it seemed acceptable that they should both occupy the quarters that he had previously occupied alone. All seemed fine to me with the arrangement, but after a few days my wife began to smell a rat. Female intuition or whatever.

A day or so later the girl was with us in the car. My wife engaged her in conversation about her kid.....then the killer question.."What's your baby's name?"

The answer she gave, without any hesitation and seemingly without any effect on her, was a combination of her name and our boy helper's name!

Hurried departure of the two of them the next morning.
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Old Sep 19th 2017, 4:43 am
  #48  
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Years ago when Mother in Law used to visit one afternoon I was lying on the sofa reading a book, M-i-L was hovering around obviously after something, eventually she decided to actually ask.
M-i-L "Can I watch WowWowWee?
Me "No"
M-i-L "Why not?"
Me "Because you can't"
M-i-L stops off and finds my wife
Wife "Can Mum watch WowWowWee?"
Me "No"
M-i-L, loudly "Why not?"
Me "Because there is a brownout and has been for the last 4 hours"
M-i-L stomps off into the bed room shutting the door loudly.
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Old Feb 27th 2018, 7:01 am
  #49  
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Default Re: Humorous Episodes

Greetings,

Heres one that might tickle your fancy.

Had a young (delectable) lady appear at the gate the other day wanting to conduct a survey. She wanted to know what we use for cooking... ie Gas, electric or bbq etc. Now as you may know, there is a scam about whereby surveyors wish to see what type of LPG fittings you are using and when they inspect it, it is with shock, horror and sharp intake of breath when they see the standard regulator. They pronounce it to be either illegal, dangerous etc and recommend it be changed immediately. When the unwary agree, a guy will appear at the door within moments and offer a replacement c/w free fitting for an astronomical fee. I was wise to this. The said young (delectable) lady was sent on her way.

When I told my lovely lady what happened, she asked if I looked into her eyes. Well ...yes I did actually....fearing the worst. I was then lectured never to do this again. Why? Because she will hypnotize me into buying a new regulator.

You have been warned!

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Old Feb 27th 2018, 7:17 am
  #50  
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My wife keeps on about 'don't look into peoples eyes or they hypnotize you and get you to hand over your wallet'. In the end I got fed up and said that they would be welcome to my wallet as I was married to her and there is never anything in it. Subject seems to have been abandoned now.
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Old Feb 27th 2018, 8:33 am
  #51  
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The effect of "looking into people's eyes" ...it made me think back to an incident in SM a few weeks ago to which I was a party, and where this might have played a part.

It was early in the day, a few minutes earlier I had bought a rice cooker in SM Appliances and now I was in the Hypermarket to look at their range of LPG gas stoves. First I needed to put my rice cooker in the property lodge. But when I attempted to hand it over to be stowed away I was told by the employee that as my rice cooker was a gadget he couldn't take it! He pointed over to a board of rules, where one said that money, phones and gadgets were not allowed to be kept.

Rendered speechless by this at first, and especially as the said "gadget" was also a purchase from SM, I then tried to explain to him what was meant by the word gadget and that in no way was a rice cooker a gadget. But he stood his ground. Being early there were few people about, I didn't fancy walking a distance to customer services to complain..so I tried some verbal force.."Give me a token!" I said loudly, then repeated the same twice, getting a bit louder each time, while looking straight into his eyes with mine in angry mode. On the third "Give me a token" he reluctantly slid one towards me, and off I went into the store. As I left a store supervisor was headed towards him and she no doubt educated him on the meaning of gadget, as he was sheepish when I claimed the rice cooker on my return.
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Old Apr 19th 2018, 3:03 pm
  #52  
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I have put this here because it comes somewhere between the funny and the sad.

I was persuaded a while ago to buy ( actually give 'her in doors' the money to pay for ) a piglet. The fist time I saw it, it was a couple of months old and looked like it would just about fit a bread roll, I was told we could kill it for our Valentines party, at that time it looked like it could stretch to maybe two ham sandwiches. So the beast's day was postponed to her birthday at the end of this month. It now weighs about 15kg and has cost about Ph350 a kilo. Today I was getting the knives out when I was informed that she 'thought' that ( this midget pig, who with the best will in the world could not reach the female without assistance ) should be used for stud instead of eating. Yesterday I suggested, in jest, building a new dog/pig house so he could live in our garden with our dogs. She agreed.

Unfortunately for 'Pandesal' he will be the main event at next weeks party.
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Old Apr 19th 2018, 5:24 pm
  #53  
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Default Re: Humorous Episodes

Originally Posted by Stokkevn View Post
I have put this here because it comes somewhere between the funny and the sad.

I was persuaded a while ago to buy ( actually give 'her in doors' the money to pay for ) a piglet. The fist time I saw it, it was a couple of months old and looked like it would just about fit a bread roll, I was told we could kill it for our Valentines party, at that time it looked like it could stretch to maybe two ham sandwiches. So the beast's day was postponed to her birthday at the end of this month. It now weighs about 15kg and has cost about Ph350 a kilo. Today I was getting the knives out when I was informed that she 'thought' that ( this midget pig, who with the best will in the world could not reach the female without assistance ) should be used for stud instead of eating. Yesterday I suggested, in jest, building a new dog/pig house so he could live in our garden with our dogs. She agreed.

Unfortunately for 'Pandesal' he will be the main event at next weeks party.
You can't eat a pig with a name. Pandesal will be a great guard pig for your house and garden, along with his furry mates. Please don't kill and eat him
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Old Apr 20th 2018, 12:20 pm
  #54  
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Originally Posted by spouse of scouse View Post
You can't eat a pig with a name. Pandesal will be a great guard pig for your house and garden, along with his furry mates. Please don't kill and eat him
If I thought "Guard Pig" could be applied to the little beast he would be spared but unfortunately he is frightened of the chickens who chase him away from his food and I am definitely not holding him up to perform his stud duties.
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Old Jun 6th 2018, 3:15 pm
  #55  
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Originally Posted by Stokkevn View Post
I have put this here because it comes somewhere between the funny and the sad.

I was persuaded a while ago to buy ( actually give 'her in doors' the money to pay for ) a piglet. The fist time I saw it, it was a couple of months old and looked like it would just about fit a bread roll, I was told we could kill it for our Valentines party, at that time it looked like it could stretch to maybe two ham sandwiches. So the beast's day was postponed to her birthday at the end of this month. It now weighs about 15kg and has cost about Ph350 a kilo. Today I was getting the knives out when I was informed that she 'thought' that ( this midget pig, who with the best will in the world could not reach the female without assistance ) should be used for stud instead of eating. Yesterday I suggested, in jest, building a new dog/pig house so he could live in our garden with our dogs. She agreed.

Unfortunately for 'Pandesal' he will be the main event at next weeks party.
"Pandesal" has a charmed life and is still languishing in luxury accommodation and on top nosh food, neither of which seem to be decreasing his Peso per kilo rate. I did suggest to 'her indoors' that I would dispatch the beast last weekend, that was met with a scowl. Does anyone have a recipe for a pig that has died of old age.
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Old Jun 6th 2018, 11:33 pm
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When that day comes you may be asked to have it stuffed and put on display.
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Old Jun 7th 2018, 2:29 pm
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Originally Posted by Raffin View Post
When that day comes you may be asked to have it stuffed and put on display.
Her in doors is going to see some family on a nearby island next week, so by the time she gets back Pandesal will have been stuffed ( sage & onion ) and on display on the BBQ or in the freezer. A Norwegian friend said that getting forgiveness is easier than getting permission, I shall be testing that theory.
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Old Jun 8th 2018, 7:44 am
  #58  
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I've heard that those pig shaped tofu things are quite tasty
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Old Jun 20th 2018, 2:34 pm
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Originally Posted by spouse of scouse View Post
I've heard that those pig shaped tofu things are quite tasty
Never liked tofu and have never seen a pig shaped one.
Pandesal met his maker last weekend and is now safely housed in the freezer, well the bits that were not BBQ'd while her in doors was away. Upon her return I did wait until she had eaten a couple of Pandesal chops before I broke the news. I will have to have a word with my Norwegian friend about how much easier is it to get forgiveness than permission as it did not go so well, just back on speaking terms as long as it does not involve anything to do with pork.
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Old Jun 20th 2018, 2:48 pm
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A few weeks ago my wife asked if it was OK to give her auntie a bar of soap and some shampoo, I had no problem with that, so I told her to grab something from our bathroom.

Last week I walked the dogs in the jungle and found a few ticks on me when I came home so I went to use my dog medicated soap that I have upstairs, Yep, you've guessed it, it had disappeared, that was the soap tat auntie got. I just advised the wife that when auntie visits next time do not throw a ball down the garden, she obviously looked confused so I told her what soap she had given her. Wife was horrified that auntie had got a dog soap and I have been threatened with all sorts of nasty things if I tell anyone.

Last edited by Stokkevn; Jun 20th 2018 at 2:51 pm. Reason: rubbish spelling
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