malcoltom

While on holiday in Kenya and walking through the bush, a man comes across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
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The elephant seems distressed, so the man approaches very carefully. He gets down on one knee and inspects the bottom of the elephant's foot only to find a large thorn deeply embedded.
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Carefully and as gently as he can he removes the thorn and the elephant gingerly puts its foot down. The elephant turns to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stares at him. For a good 10 minutes the man stands frozen - thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant turns and walks away.
For years after the man often remembers and ponders the events of that day.
One day the man is walking through the zoo with his son. As they approach the elephant enclosure, one of the elephants turns and walks over to where they are standing at the rail. It stares at him and the man can't help wondering if this is the same elephant.
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The man climbs tentatively over the railing and makes his way into the enclosure.
He walks right up to the elephant and stares in wonder. The elephant gazes at him, looking deep into his eyes.
Suddenly the elephant wraps its trunk around one of the man's legs and swings him wildly back and forth along the railing, instantly killing him.
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Probably not the same elephant then.

malcoltom

Ethics Test
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This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By
giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
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The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in
which you will have to make a decision.
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Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each
line.
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You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around
you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.
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This is a flood of biblical proportions.
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You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're
caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly
hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos.
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There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing
under the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury. Suddenly you see a
man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying
not to be taken down with the debris.
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You move closer, somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly
realise who it is.
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It's Cristiano Ronaldo!
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At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to pull
him under.
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You have two options--you can save the life of Cristiano Ronaldo or
you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting
the death of one of the football world's most exiting player's.
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So here's the question, and please give an honest answer :
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Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the
classic simplicity of black and white?

malcoltom

paddys doing a jigsaw puzzle and not getting very far so he asks his english mate,
"can you help me with this, its supposed to be a tiger"
the englishman just sighs
"just put the *****in frosties back in the box.."

malcoltom

Daddy's Daughter - Rules for the boyfriends
Rule One:
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If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
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Rule Two:
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You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
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Rule Three:
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I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
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Rule Four:
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I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
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Rule Five:
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It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early".
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Rule Six:
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I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
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Rule Seven:
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As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
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Rule Eight:
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The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
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1. Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
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2. Places where there is darkness.
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3. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
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4. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.
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5. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are OK.
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6. Hockey games are okay.
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7. Old folks homes are better.
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Rule Nine:
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Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.
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Rule Ten:
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Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

malcoltom

Dave, John and Paddy are working on some roadworks in the middle of the town centre. All of them are claiming benefits and working on the side.
The foreman gives them their instructions and says "Remember, if the inspector from the benefit fraud office catches you to give him a false name". Paddy says "Yes boss, but what if we can't think of one fast enough?"
The foreman replies "Look, it's *****ing easy, just look around and use one of the names of the shops".
An hour passes and the benefit fraud officer turns up
"Right then you three, you are under suspicion of working whilst claiming benefits. give me your names!"
Dave looks around and says " David Woolworths".
John looks around and answers "John Tesco".
The inspector then turns to Paddy "And you, what's your name?"
Paddy says "Ken!" The inspector says "And your second name?"
Paddy replies "Tucky fried chicken".

malcoltom

SIPPING VODKA.........
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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
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After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
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The monsignor replied, “ When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
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So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
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Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “ Eat me” .
The Virgin Mary is not called “ Mary with the Cherry,.
The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

malcoltom

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'
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The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
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My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
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My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
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The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
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He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!' Then he closed the door.
Now THAT, is getting even!

malcoltom

A mangy-looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
The bartender says "Only if what you show me ain't risque." "Deal!" says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender.
The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvellous voice and great pitch, a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him £300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut?! You sold a singing frog for £300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!" "nah," says the guy.
"The hamster is also a ventriloquist!"

malcoltom

These three married couples died and when they got to the pearly gates. St.Peter told the first husband, "I can't let you in. You let alcohol run your life. You even married a girl named Sherry." Dejected, they turned and walked away.
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The next married couple stepped up, and St.Peter told the husband, "Can't let you in sir. While you were on earth, you allowed money to run your life. You even married a girl named Penny." The guy hung his head, turned and they walked away.
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The husband of the third couple waiting in line, overheard both conversations and said, "Come on, Fanny, he's not going to let us in either."

malcoltom

Ultimate phone prank
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1. Call the childline number and say 'I've just dialed 1471 and this number came up, who is this?'
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2. Operator replies 'You're through to Childline'
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3. You shout 'TERRY YOU LITTLE ****, NOT AGAIN....COME HERE YOU LITTLE *******, i'll ******* kill you''. before hanging up the phone

Thydney

I bet you're a real scream when you've had a beer

malcoltom

Next Time You Feel Angry..........
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I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it.
A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Sean. Could I please speak with Robert Campbell?"
The rude b**stard screamed in my ear "Get the right f*kin number!" and slammed the phone down on me. I couldn't believe it, but being a thick skinned old squaddie I decided to let it go. When I tracked down Robert's correct number, I discovered that I had accidently switched the last two digits.
After ringing and speaking to him I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered, I yelled "You're a *****!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word '*****' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or I'd had a bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're a *****!" It always cheered me up.
When caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "*****" calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said "Hi, this is John Smith from BT. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said "That's because you're a *****!"
One day I was at Valley Park (Croydon for you non sarf London peeps) Shopping Centre, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a gunmetal grey Land Rover cut me off and pulled into the spot I had waited patiently for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first "*****" (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the Land Rover "*****" too.
I said "Are you the bloke with the gunmetal grey Land Rover for sale?"
"Yes, I am." He replied.
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yeah, I live at 129 Coombe Lane in Croydon. It's a terraced house and the car's parked right out front."
"Cheers. What's your name?" I asked.
"Steve" he replied. "Steve Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you in, Steve?"
"I'm home most days as I'm currently unemployed."
"Listen Steve, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Steve, you're a *****!"
Then I hung up and added his number to my speed dial too. Now, when I was feeling naffed off, I had two a**eholes to call.
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Then, one Monday when I was feeling particularly churlish, I came up with an idea. Icalled ***** #1.
"Hello?"
"You're a *****!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there? he asked.
"Yeah" I said.
"Stop calling me!" he screamed.
"Make me," I sneered.
"Who are you?!" he shouted.
"My name is Steve Hansen."
Where do you live?"
I live at Coombe Lane, Croydon, a terraced house, with my gunmetal grey Land Rover parked out the front."
He said "Right! I'm coming over right now. You better start praying!"
I said "Yeah. Like I'm really scared, *****!" and hung up.
Then I called *****#2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, *****" I said.
"Listen!" he yelled. "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll do what?"
"I'll kick you a**e!"
I answered "Well, *****, it's your lucky day. I'm coming over right now, so say your prayers!"
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 129 Coombe Lane, Croydon and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called the Croydon Advertiser about the hoodie war going down in Coombe Lane, Croydon.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Coombe Lane. I just got there in time to watch the two ****** beating the cr*p out of each other in front of six police cars, a police helicopter overhead and a news photographer.
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Now I feel MUCH better.
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Take it from me, anger management really works.

malcoltom

Tee Hee

malcoltom

Dr. Jones, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if they're cured and ready to re-enter society.
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"So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?"
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The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what it's like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I've grown interested in lately."
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Dr. Jones nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities."
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The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot."

malcoltom

An eight man patrol where moving north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi insurgent, badly injured and unconscious.
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On the opposite side of the road was a British soldier in a similar but less serious state. The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the platoon commander asked the injured soldier what had happened.
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The soldier reported, "I was moving north along the MSR here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
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I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Gordon Brown is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing half-blind Jock, and Lord Mandelson is a cross-dressing idiot.
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So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian.
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He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Harriet Harman!"
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"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when the bus hit us."