Bit of fun

Old Jun 12th 2008, 8:35 pm
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Default Bit of fun

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.
"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy," is the man's response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there." An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions. "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls.
When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on."
The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"
"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the dog."
:curse:
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Old Jun 12th 2008, 8:35 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

commercial traveller was driving through the Scottish Highlands when his car broke down. There was a cottage near by so he went up to it and knocked on the door. The door opened to reveal a burly Highlander. "My car has conked out," said the traveller, "Where can I spend the night?"
"Why, right here of course!" said the Scot, "Come in and avail yourself of our world famous hospitality."
The traveller duly entered the humble but cosy residence."Jeannie," shouted the host in the direction of the kitchen, and in response to his call his beautiful daughter appeared. "Jeannie, make a meal for the gentleman and remember to uphold our great tradition of Highland hospitality."
The traveller was soon tucking into an appetising meal, the girl had indeed spared no effort to extend Highland hospitality to the guest. "And now," said the Highlander, "I'm afraid I must go out and milk the cows, but just make yourself at home and take full advantage of our world famous Highland hospitality."
No sooner had the door closed behind him than the traveller set about seducing the lovely daughter. In no time at all he had her on floor and was on the job. Suddenly the door opened and there stood the Highlander. He took one look at what was going on and his face turned purple with rage. He dropped his two buckets of milk with a crash and gave verbal vent to his wrath.
"After all I have been saying about the Highland hospitality," he roared, "Arch your back woman, and take the poor man's balls off the cold floor."
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Old Jun 12th 2008, 8:36 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

One morning, the members of a farm family were coming to the kitchen for breakfast. Just as Junior seated himself, his mother told him he was not going to get anything to eat until he went to the barn and fed the animals.
Irritated at this, he stomped out the door and headed for the barn. As he fed the chickens, he kicked each one in the head. As the cow bent down to start in on the fresh hay he had just put in the stall, he kicked it in the head.
He poured food into the trough for the pigs, and as they started eating, he kicked them in the head. He went back to the kitchen and sat down again.
His mother was furious. "I saw what you did, so since you kicked the chickens, you'll get no eggs for breakfast. And since you kicked the cow, you'll get no milk. And no bacon or sausage because you kicked the pigs." Just then, the father came down the stairs and nearly tripped on the family cat. On impulse, he kicked the cat off the stairs. The boy looked at his mother and asked "Are you gonna tell him or should I?"
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Old Jun 12th 2008, 8:37 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

Paddy was walking through a field and sees a man drinking from a pool with his hand, Paddy shouts "Na ol an t-uisce, ta se ian do ca bo!" (Don't drink the water, it's full of cowsh*t).
The man shouts back "I'm English! Speak English, I don't understand you." Paddy shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in!"
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Old Jun 12th 2008, 8:38 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

A middle aged woman is looking in the mirror one evening and says to her husband....
"GOD LOOK AT ME, I look fat, old and ugly. Please pay me a compliment"
"YER *****IN EYESIGHT IS SPOT ON" He says
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Old Jun 12th 2008, 8:40 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note: "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove". "These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really good". "I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again". "When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing". "Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love". "P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing
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Old Jun 13th 2008, 8:21 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

Come on, someone must have a few gags to tell or am i an outcast?

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Lulu, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Lulu said, "Sean, if Ah'm no bein too forward, Ah'd love tae hae sex wi an aulder man. Let's go back tae mah place."
So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have even better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my baws in your left hand and my wullie in your right hand."
Lulu looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay." He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says, "Lulu, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. But again, hold my baws in your left hand, and my wullie in your right hand." Lulu is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing.
Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks "Sean, tell me, dis mah haudin yer baws in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right stimulate ye while ye're sleepin ?"
Sean replies, "No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she shtole my wallet."
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Old Jun 13th 2008, 10:49 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

Originally Posted by malcoltom View Post
A middle aged woman is looking in the mirror one evening and says to her husband....
"GOD LOOK AT ME, I look fat, old and ugly. Please pay me a compliment"
"YER *****IN EYESIGHT IS SPOT ON" He says
I've just laughed out loud and when my hubby asked why I told him the joke.........he's now lying on the floor pi&&ing himself laughingThanks for the laugh. Also liked the one about the lad kicking the animals,although hubby has just said he didn't kick the cat
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Old Jun 14th 2008, 6:07 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

I thought this was hilarious

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00 they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Limerick County Council, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
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Old Jun 15th 2008, 6:58 am
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Default Re: Bit of fun

Nice one

12 y.o. daughter wants to know why I'm p**sing myself laughing
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Old Jun 15th 2008, 9:23 am
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Default Re: Bit of fun

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realising that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your as*hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably getting pissed with his mates."
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Old Jun 15th 2008, 9:23 am
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Default Re: Bit of fun

One day little Susie went into her back yard and found her dog, Muffles, lying dead with its legs up in the air.
She asked, "Daddy, Daddy, why is Muffles legs in the air?" Thinking quickly, her dad replied, "This way Jesus can come down and take Muffles to heaven easier."
The next day when Susie's dad came home she ran up to him and said, "Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today."
Flustered, her father said, "Honey what happened?" And Susie said, "Well, Mommy's legs were up in the air and she was screaming 'Oh Jesus, I'm coming I'm coming' and if it wasn't for the milkman holding her down she would have been a gonner."
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Old Jun 15th 2008, 9:25 am
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Default Re: Bit of fun

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned- frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. She pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in the car!
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Old Jun 15th 2008, 9:26 am
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Default Re: Bit of fun

A married couple is driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.
She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"
Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."
She asks, "What about the smell?"
He says, "Hold its nose."
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Old Jun 15th 2008, 9:27 am
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Default Re: Bit of fun

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque. "I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very pissed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
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