malcoltom

I came downstairs this morning and the wife was by the stove cooking breakfast in her slippers. I said to myself "I must buy her a frying pan!"

malcoltom

The Blind Rabbit And The Blind Snake
<
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, ker-plop right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh please excuse me. " said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I"m blind and can't see."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake.
"To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, ;and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out." So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose You must be a bunny rabbit!"
The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?" The snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?" The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're soft, you're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls..You must be a politician."

malcoltom

Who Created the NHS?
<
In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
<
Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums.
<
And Satan said "You want hot fudge with that?
<
And Man said "Yes!"
<
And Woman said "I'll have one too with chocolate chips".
<
And lo, they gained 10 pounds.
<
And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.
<
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them.
<
And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.
<
So God said "Try my fresh green salad".
<
And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side.
<
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
<
God then said "I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them".
<
And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter.
<
And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
<
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.
<
Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt.
<
And Man put on more pounds.
<
God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.
<
And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.
<
And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.
<
Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
<
And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger.
<
Then Satan said "You want fries with that?" and Man replied "Yes, and super size 'em".
<
And Satan said "It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
<
God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
<
And then Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.

malcoltom

The most powerfull man in the world ( the american one), Mother Theresa and a man with his 10 year old boy were on a plane which develops engine problems. There are only three parachutes.
<
The most powerful states" I'm the most powerful therefore i must have a parachute, grabs one and heads for the door. Mother theresa states she has still many many souls to save, grabs a chute and bolts!
<
The man turns to his son and tells him that he has had a full life and that he still has his to live so take the chute. The son says"I's ok dad the worlds most powerful man took my schoolbag!!"

malcoltom

A young Jewish boy, was doing very badly in his maths lessons. His parents had tried everything to help: private tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers, everything they could think of to help him improve.
<
Finally, in a last ditch effort they took him down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
<
After the first day, the little boy came home with a very serious look on his face. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. His mother was amazed. A couple of hours later she called him down to dinner, and to her shock, the minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and hit the books as hard as before.
<
This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, the little boy brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room, and hit the books. His mother nervously opened the report card and jumped for joy: her little boy had finally got an 'A' in maths!
<
She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
<
The little boy looked at her and shook his head: "No Mommy."
<
"Well, then," she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?"
<
The little boy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign and I knew then they weren't screwing around..."

malcoltom

One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
<
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
<
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today You must park ..." Then there's a power cut. Norman 's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?"
<
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

malcoltom

One for us fellas
New Element discovered
<
Element : Woman
Symbol : Wo (woe is me)
Atomic mass : Accepted as 53.6 kg may vary from 40 – 200 kg
Occurrence : Copious quantities in all urban areas
<
Physical properties :
1. Surface usually covered in painted film
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason
3. Melts if given special treatment
4. Bitter if incorrectly used
5. Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied at correct pints
<
Chemical properties :
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man
<
Common uses :
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation
3. Very effective cleaning agent
<
Test :
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen
<
Potential hazards :
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
2. Illegal to posses more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.
<
Warning
<
PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO THIS ELEMENT CAN CAUSE SEVERE PHYSICAL, MENTAL, AND FINANCIAL DAMAGE

malcoltom

Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?


Tequila.

malcoltom

2 Irishmen in a dark cave.
'I can't see anything' says Paddy, 'Do you have a match?'
Murphy gives him a match and he strikes it against the wall of the cave and nothing happens. He strikes it again, still nothing.
He then says 'Murphy, this match doesn't work.'
'That's funny' says Murphy, 'It worked OK this morning.'

malcoltom

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says NO -- he only lives a mile away.
<
About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away.
<
The police tell the party animal to stay put, they'll be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.
<
The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.
<
A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr Smith is there and his ! wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.
<
The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage.
<
<
She opens the door, there sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing.

malcoltom

A Scotsman - ex-serviceman who has just finished his tour of duty in Iraq - goes on holiday to South Africa. Not understanding Afrikaans (the language) he looks around for some entertainment in the evening in the upmarket area of Johannesburg. Eventually he spots that there is going to be a performance of excerpts from a Wagnerian Opera. Having only ever heard opera once before, and fancying the singer, Katherine Jenkins, he decides that the lead singer might be nice like her!
<
He is not disappointed. He is absolutely amazed by the lead singer. This beautiful, curvaceous blonde Afrikaans girl. Her chest heaves and being a boob, man it makes him fancy her more than ever. The music of Wagner enthralls him. By God he says to himself, this girl is better than Katherine was when she was starring in Iraq. The audience at the end decide to ask for an encore, and in Afrikaan's shout out: "Hoor, Hoor" which in their language means 'More, More!"...
<
The Scotsman, by now slightly pissed on Dutch beer, completely misunderstands their call, interpreting it like it sounds. He staggers to his feet, raises his glass and shouts out in a broad Highland accent:
<
"Och man! Whoare or no Whoare..., she's got to sing it again!"

malcoltom

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Ma, I'm going to bring over two other female friends as well as my fiancee and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, The red head in the middle." The young man replies, "That's amazing Ma, you're right, how did you know??" His mother replies, "I don't like her!!"

malcoltom

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED
<
* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
<
* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
<
* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
<
* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
<
* 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....
<
* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
<
* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
<
* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
<
* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
<
* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle

malcoltom

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
<
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
<
The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

malcoltom

A guy goes to the doctor and says, "doctor my leg keeps talking to me."
So the doctor takes out his stethoscope and listens to the guys thigh and he hears, "lend me a fiver!"
The doctor then takes a listen to the guys knee and hears, "Lend me a tenner!"
The doctor then takes a listen at the guys shin and hears, "Lend me twenty quid!"
"So what's the problem doctor?" the guy asks anxiously.
"It's your leg - it's broke in three places," says the doctor.