malcoltom

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a young man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, " Excuse me can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The young man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an NCO," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the young man, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The NCO below replied, "You must be an Officer."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the NCO, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.

How true

malcoltom

This is quite funny & obviously written by a Former Serviceman-
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New Directive for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!
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I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
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For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
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Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some ass*hole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
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An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a..m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical s-of-a-b....
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If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
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Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
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Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
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An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
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These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way..
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Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pis*sed off old fa*rts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
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***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...with PMS !!! You think
Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing
else, put them on border patrol.... they will have it secured the first night!

malcoltom

The funeral procession made its way down the road.
Six close members of the family were carrying the coffin between them. On top of the coffin was a fishing line, a net and some bait.
A passer-by remarked, "He must have been a very keen fisherman."
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"Oh, he still is," came the reply. "He's off to the river as soon as they've buried his wife!!"

malcoltom

How do you get a child to stop wetting the bed?
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Give him an electric blanket

malcoltom

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)
These boys will be dropped off in Afghanistan and have been given only the following facts about terrorists :
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1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
6. They think Daisy Duke is a slut.
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The Pentagon hopes the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Friday

malcoltom

IDIOT SIGHTING #1
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the blonde waiter a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a Twenty pence piece.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said,'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.'
The waiter then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in
change..
Do not confuse the clerks at MacD's.
IDIOT SIGHTING #2
We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said,
'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two..'
We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Moor Park ,Nr Watford UK
IDIOT SIGHTING #3
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new blonde neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't
think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore' she said.
Story from Potters Bar , Herts , UK
IDIOT SIGHTING #4
My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From South Oxhey Herts , UK ...
IDIOT SIGHTING #5
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an Irish airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened Luton Airport .... UK
IDIOT SIGHTING #6
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged blonde co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a Local County Counciller employee in Harrow , Middlesex , UK
IDIOT SIGHTING #7
When my husband and I arrived at Our Local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans,Hertfordshire UK .
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us... and the scary part is that they have the RIGHT TO VOTE and REPRODUCE!

malcoltom

So,there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest, kind of pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he was brown like the other toads. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.
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Any way ... this yellow toad bumps into a Fairy Godmother and he begs her; "Fairy Godmother please make me brown like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such."
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The Fairy Godmother whips out her magic wand and says "Abracapokus! You're brown."
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The toad looks down and sees that he is brown except for his package, which is still yellow.
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He says to the Fairy Godmother "Wait a minute; my meat & two veg are still yellow."
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To this the Fairy Godmother said, "I don't do willies, go and see the Wizard Of Oz for that.
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The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.
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There also happens to be a purple bear wandering around in the very same forest. He encounters the very same Fairy Godmother.
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He implores her; "Fairy Godmother, please make me brown like the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me from a mile off."
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She being a nice Fairy Godmother, takes out her magic wand and says, "You're brown."
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The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the old twig and berries, they remain purple.
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He says, "What about my wedding tackle, they're still purple!
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She says, "I don' t do gentitals, you will have to see the Wizard of Oz for that."
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To this the bear replies, "Well that's just dandy but how do I find the Wizard of Oz?"
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The Fairy Godmother answers; "That's easy, just follow the yellow prick toad."

malcoltom

A man is driving rather erratically down a road. A police officer stops him. The officer says,"would you mind blowing into this breathaliser for me please, sir?"
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The man says, "I'm asthmatic, I can't do that."
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"Okay then," he says, "how about a blood sample?"
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"I suffer from haemophilia," he said, "I could bleed to death."
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"Okay," said the officer, rather pissed off, "step out of the car and walk across this white line."
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"I can't do that."
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"Why not?" said the officer.
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The man replies, "because I'm pissed."

malcoltom

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
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The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."
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The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."
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The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Oh fu*ck, he's moving!'"

malcoltom

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
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The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
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The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

malcoltom

We were dressed and ready to go out for the Hogmanay Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat outside.
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We phoned the local taxi company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
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The cat we put out, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
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My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
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Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'
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A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bi*tch was hiding under the fuc*king bed. I had to poke her with a bloody coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the fuc*king neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out the back!'
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The cab driver hit a parked car.

malcoltom

Heard about the Irish abortion clinic?
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There's a 12 month waiting list

malcoltom

The Army found they had too many personnel and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any one who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
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The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000.
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The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.
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The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzled old Sergeant Major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my todger to my testicles.' It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider; explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old Sergeant Major insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
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The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant Major to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Sergeant Major's todger and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'
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The old Sergeant Major replied,............ ' Basra .'

malcoltom

John was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,'
and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
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He kept records, and any rooster not performing
went into the soup pot and was replaced.
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This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells
and attached them to his roosters.
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Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance,
which rooster was performing.
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Now, he could sit on the porch And fill out an efficiency report
by just listening to the bells.
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John's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen,
but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
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When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets,
bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.
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To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
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He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair
and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
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The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize
but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out
how to win two of the most highly coveted awards
on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace
and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
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Vote carefully,
the bells are not always audible.

BEVS

Appeals to me at the moment.