malcoltom

An American-Indian walks into a saloon with a shotgun in one hand and a 10-litre bucket of manure in the other.
The Indian says to the bartender,
"Me want Lager!"
The bartender says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up."
He then serves the Indian a tall glass of Tennents Lager. The Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws the manure into the air and blasts it with the shotgun. He then walks out.
Five days later, the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and another bucket of manure in the other. He struts up to the bar and tells the bartender, "Me want beer!"
The bartender says, "Whoa there Chief, we're still cleaning up from the last time you were here... What was that all about, anyway?" he asked.
The Indian explained,
"Me training for job as government employee. Drink beer, shoot the sh*it, disappear for a few days, then come back and see if somebody else has cleaned up the mess me left behind....."

malcoltom

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, humor, stimulate, stroke, console, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch,entertain,sacrifice for, charm, fascinate, attend, trust, grovel, defend, coax, brag about, understand, clothe, respect, entertain, kill for, commit, snuggle, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize, worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

HOW TO SATISFY A MAN

Show up naked ..... and bring beer.

malcoltom

Yesterday I was in the doctor's waiting room and I heard a ninety-six-year-old man pleading with the doctor for a lower sex drive.
'Surely you're imagining things,' said the doctor. 'You're ninety-six years old. Isn't all the feeling for sex just in your head?'
'Yes,' replied the elderly man, 'that's why I want you to lower my sex drive to the place where it might do more good.'

malcoltom

Scots Guard in riot in Belfast sees a hood about to chuck a petrol bomb, when it spills down his sleeve, setting it aflame. Scots Guard fires 3 rounds into him.
<
In the following inquest, when asked why he acted so hastily, he replies 'He had an arm alight'...

malcoltom

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a 50 pound note her parents had sent.
Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.
<
Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the 50 pound note in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.
<
The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of 50 pound notes.
<
"What's this?" she asked. "That's the 4,000 pounds you have coming Sister," he replied. "Don't Despair won the 3.00 clock at Sandown 80-to-1."

malcoltom

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several
months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that
provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would
climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.
<
One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just
can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our
direction."
<
The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said,"You're
hallucinating; you've finally lost your mind." But within a few minutes,
up to the beach floated a stunning red head, face up, totally naked,
unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.
<
The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on
the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.
One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God
forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long,
long time....So . do you think we should . well ... you know . screw
her?"
<
"Out of WHAT?" asked the other.

malcoltom

A preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city stands up and proclaims: "If the preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!". The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and
says, If the preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!"
More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the preacher stays, I will give him sex"
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, whatever
possessed you to say that?"
Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding
his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side
to side while his wife replies:
"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,
'Screw the Preacher'

malcoltom

A Samoan boy and his father were visiting the city. They were amazed by
almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that
could move apart and then slide back together again.
<
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an
elevator) responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life,
I don't know what it is."
<
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady
in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The
walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
<
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular
numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch
until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in
reverse order.
<
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year old
blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young
woman, said quietly to his son..........
<
<
"GO GET YOUR MOTHER".

malcoltom

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

malcoltom

"What on earth is that counting?" asked my friend Anthony as we passed the high security mental health unit in rural London
I could just about hear it...
"17...17 ...17...17...17..."
Tony was too curious to resist, he rushed at the fence and tried to jump and see over it
but it was much too high
so he found a small hole in the wooden panels and looked through it...
He jumped back clutching his face in agony, "Some bast*ard's poked me in the eye with a sharp stick!"
"18...18...18...18...18..." came the sound from inside the walls...

malcoltom

Question: What do Mack the Knife, Winnie the Pooh, and Attila the Hun have in common?

malcoltom

While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favourite flower?"
Tom, smiling but looking a little nervous, leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's self-raising, isn't it?

malcoltom

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad

You've become your dad the day you save a thin piece of wood specifically for paint stirring

You never know where to look when eating a banana

One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party. Dressed as a goat.

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died. Dido must be sh*tting herself.

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two Grams to get me to sleep at night.

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?

I saw that show, 50 Things to Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork...

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, and then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

malcoltom

A university writing class were given an exercise -
to write as short a short story as possible using three themes - religion, sexuality and mystery
<
The only A* entry was as follows:
"Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it?"

malcoltom

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
"I'm ninety years old," he says.
"Ninety?" replies the woman. "Don't you realise you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"