malcoltom

A zebra was killed by a poacher on the African savannah. He arrived at the gates of Heaven and was welcomed by St. Francis, patron saint of animals.
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"St. Francis," the zebra said, "now that I'm in Heaven, please answer me the one question I've been longing to know all my life: am I a black horse with white stripes, or a white horse with black stripes?"
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St. Francis scratched his head and said, "Dear zebra, I don't know the answer to that one. Why don't you go ask the Almighty?"
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So the zebra went before the throne of Heaven, where God sat in all His glory. "Oh Heavenly Father!" said the zebra. "Am I a black horse with white stripes, or a white horse with black stripes?"
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God replied, "You are what you are."
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Confused and sad, the zebra went back to St. Francis. "I asked the Almighty," the zebra said, "and he didn't answer me. All he said was 'you are what you are'."
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"Well there, you see?" said St. Francis. "That means you're a white horse with black stripes."
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"St. Francis, how could you know that?"
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"Because if you were black, He would have said 'You is what you is.'"

malcoltom

A Chinese laundry and a Greek restaurant were next door to each other. The Chinese owner of the laundry had difficulty with the ‘R’ sound. Every Friday the Greek owner of the restaurant used to wait for the owner of the laundry to appear and would ask “What day is it today Wong?” “It’s Flyday” Wong would say which sent the Greek into gales of laughter. Finally Wong decided to put an end to this torment by going to a speech therapist. The next Friday the Greek repeated his usual ritual but this time Wong was ready. “It’s FRIday!, FRIday!, Gleek plick”

malcoltom

The British Economy

It is the month of August, on the shores of the Black Sea . It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. These are tough times, everybody is in debt and everybody lives on credit. Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.
He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to choose one.
The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.
The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute, who in these hard times offered her "services" on credit.
The prostitute runs to the hotel, and uses the 100 Euro note to settle her debt with the hotel proprietor for the rooms she rented when she brought clients there.
The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.
At that moment, the tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms and takes his 100 Euro note, saying that he did not like any of the rooms and leaves town.
No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.....

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how Gordon Brown's government is doing business today.


How true

malcoltom

Why do men die first? This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. It requires a bit of explanation, first:
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If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist.
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If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy.
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If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her.
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If you don't work enough ... you're a good-for-nothing bum.
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If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation.
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If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
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If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favouritism..
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If she gets a job ahead of you ... its equal opportunity.
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If you mention how nice she looks ... its sexual harassment.
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If you keep quiet ... its male indifference.
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If you cry ... you're a wimp; if you don't ... you're an insensitive basta*rd.
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If you make a decision without consulting her ... you're a chauvinist.
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If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
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If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination.
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If SHE asks you ... it's a favour.
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If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ... you're a pervert. If you don't ... you're gay.
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If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist. If you don't ... you're unromantic.
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If you try to keep yourself in shape .... you're vain. If you don't ... you're a slob.
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If you buy her flowers ... you're after something. If you don't ...
you're not thoughtful.
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If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself. If you aren't ... you're not ambitious.
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If she has a headache ... she's tired. If you have a headache ... you don't love her anymore.
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If you want it too often ... you're oversexed. If you don't ... there
must be someone else.
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Why do men die first?
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BECAUSE THEY BLOODY WANT TO!

malcoltom

Transition to British Crown Dependency
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To the citizens of the United States of America
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In light of your frcical attempt in the last 2 elections to install a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
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Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
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To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
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1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
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2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."
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3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.
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4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
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5.There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
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6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
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7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."
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8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
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9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
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10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand
what we mean.
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11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
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12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
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13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.
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14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
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15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
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16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
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17. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer". Those of you brave enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
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18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
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19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
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20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776.

malcoltom

Paddy and Tommy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.
When they got home, Tommy turned to Paddy and said, 'Paddy, me ol' mate, how we gonna tell who owns which ****** pig?'
Paddy says 'Well Tommy, I'll cut one a the ears off my ****** pig, and ten we can tell 'em apart' 'Ah tat'd be grand' says TommThis worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Tommy stormed into the house. 'Paddy' he said 'Your ****** pig has chewed the ear offa my ****** pig. Now we got two ****** pigs with one ear each. How we gonna tell who owns which ****** pig?'
'Well Tommy' said Paddy 'I'll cut ta other ear off my ****** pig. Ten we'll av two ****** pigs and only one of them will avan ear' 'Ah tat'd be grand'
says Tommy.
Again this worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Tommy again stormed into the house. 'Paddy' he said 'Your ****** pig has chewed the other ear offa my ****** pig. Now we got two ****** pigs with no ****** ears!' 'How we gonna tell who owns which ****** pig?' 'Ah tis is serious, Tommy' said Paddy 'I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut ta tail offa my ****** pig, ten we'll av two ****** pigs with no ****** ears and only one ****** tail.' 'Ah tat'd be grand' says Tommy.
Another couple of weeks went by, and you guessed it, Tommy stormed into the house once more. 'PADDY!' shouted Tommy 'YOUR ****** PIG HAS CHEWED THE ****** TAIL OFFA MY ****** PIG AND NOW WE GOT TOW ****** PIGS WITH NO ****** EARS AND NO ****** TAILS !! HOW THE FOOK ARE WE EVER GONNA ****** TELL 'EM APART?!'
'Ah fook it!' says Paddy 'How's about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one.'

malcoltom

I went into a pet shop, and asked "can I buy a goldfish?" The man in the shop said "do you want an aquarium?" I said, I don't care what star sign it is!"
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I met a man today who told me that he invented the crossword puzzle. I can't remember his name, but it was P something T something R!
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I telephoned the local ramblers club today, and the person that answered the phone just went on and on and on and on!
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I told my wife that there was a job going at the local bowling alley. "Tenpin?" she asked. "No" I replied, "I think it's full time."
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I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said "nearest the bull goes first". He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" .... He said "you're the closest!"
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I rang the local gym, and asked whether they could teach me to do the splits. "How flexible are you?" they asked ...... "Well I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays"

malcoltom

A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends sent flowers for the occasion. But when the owner read the card with the flowers, it said, "Rest In Peace". The owner was a little peeved, and he called the florist to complain.
After he told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, "Sir I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations On Your New Location".

malcoltom

A drunken sailor was walking through the Naval Cemetary, and lay down on a tomb to sleep it off.Before he could get to sleep, he heard a strange rattling noise, and sat up, to see a skeleton heading toward the entrance gates. "Hey!" says Jack, "I"m trying to get some sleep here!"
"Gosh, I"m sorry!", says the skeleton,"Only I just got a 48 hour pass and I"m going ashore for the weekend."
"OK ! " says Jack," Have a great time !".
But, within minutes, Jack hears the rattling noise again, and looks up to see the skeleton hurrying back the way he just came. "What an Ass*hole !" thinks Jack.
Well, do you know, Blow me down if poor tired Jack doesn"t get woken up AGAIN by the skeleton, coming back down the path !!--but this time, he is carrying a huge gravestone on his shoulder !
"What the hell is going on??" says Jack.
"Sorry to wake you again!", says the skeleton, "But the pricks on the gangway wouldn't let me ashore without my ID card !!"

malcoltom

This is a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida...

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her
car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to
scream at the top of her voice,
"I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran
like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken then proceeded to load her shopping bags
into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.
She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why...
For the same reason she did not understand why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs in the front seat...
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces
farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.
The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He
pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
MORAL OF THE STORY?

If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it memorable!!

malcoltom

I hope you all have a very very merry Xmas and i will speak to you again after the 27th. We are going to PONTINS tomorrow for Xmas.

What do you call Father Christmas's wife
Mary Christmas!!!!

How does Santa do his garden.
With a ho ho ho!!

BEVS

malcoltom

I hope you all had a very merry Xmas and all the best for 2010.
I'm sorry Bevs. I did take some Pontins type photos but my camera got broken in a melee on Boxing day with the Irish gypsies that invade the camp every Xmas.
That was after one of them had been found dead in bed on the first night. Then one fella nearly killed his wife one night and went on the run. The Police were all over the camp looking for him. We heard him battering his wife and had to get some help to go and try and sort him out.
My 9 year old got mugged for tickets in the arcade by some older irish kids and when i intervened, the elder fellas came out of nowhere and surrounded me. The next evening the same kids took over my lads pool table when he had paid for the game. Enough was enough. Mr Angry took over and the police had to be called.
OTHERWISE WE HAD A LOVELY TIME.
Apparantly on New Years eve the riot police had to be called in.

malcoltom

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night"?
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you because you're not a monk".
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
"We can't tell you because you're not a monk".
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know". If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk".
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk ". We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...

...silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the key to the last door ".
The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight









.. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.


DON'T SWEAR AT ME;
I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO STARTED THIS !
but I bet you send it on

malcoltom

THE FUNERAL.....

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul.
As I preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory"! I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations.
I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."