Bit of fun

Old Jan 5th 2010, 8:05 pm
  #1486  
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Default Re: Bit of fun

Douglas the humble Crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were
madly, deeply and passionately in Love. For months they
enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Douglas in tears.
"We can't see each other any more..." she sobbed.
"Why?" gasped Douglas.
"Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims
you are a mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are
the lowest class of crustacean and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways."
<
Douglas was shattered, and scuttled sidewards away into the
darkness to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.
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That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters
came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the
lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.
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Suddenly the doors burst open, and Douglas the crab strode in.
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The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped
and the King Lobster rose from his throne.
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Slowly, painstakingly, Douglas the crab made his way across
the floor.......and all could see that he was walking, not
sideways............but FORWARDS.........Yes FORWARDS, one
claw after another!!
<
Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he
looked the King lobster in the eye.
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<
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There was a deadly hush..................................
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<
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For quite a while...........................
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Finally, the crab spoke.......
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<
<
"*, I'm pissed."



sorry
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Old Jan 5th 2010, 8:07 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

There was a German, an Italian and an Irishman on death row.
The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
<
1. To be shot
2. To be hung
3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
<
So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head.". Boom, he was dead instantly.
<
Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead.)
<
Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."
They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing.
The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.
<
Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
<
Finally the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"
The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid..... I'm wearing a condom!"

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Old Jan 5th 2010, 8:08 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

Little Johnny goes over to little Billy's house and rings the bell.
His mother answers and Johnny asks if Billy can come and play war in the street with his friends.
Billy's mother says to Johnny, "You know Billy doesn't have any arms or legs."
Johnny replies, "I know, but we want to use him as a sandbag."



sorry again
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Old Jan 5th 2010, 8:10 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of New York. One sat in the window seat and the other sat in the middle. Just before take off, An American
got on and took the aisle seat.
<
After takeoff, The American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a beer."
"No problem," said the American, "I'll get it for you."
<
While he was gone, One of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the beer, the other Arab said,
"that looks good, I think I'll have one too."
<
Again, the American obligingly went to get it and, while he was gone, the other Arab picked up the other shoe and spat in it. When the
American returned to his seat, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
<
As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
<
He looked at the two Arabs and asked, "why does it have to be this way? How long must this go on, this fighting between our nations? This hatred? This Animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in beer?"

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Old Jan 5th 2010, 8:11 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

Players from Liverpool FC visited Alder Hay childrens hospital over the christmas period,
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"It's very rewarding to put a smile back on the faces of those suffering adversity and an uphill struggle," said Danny Brown aged 6.
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Old Jan 5th 2010, 8:12 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

A farmer stopped by the local garage to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
<
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
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While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 160 Mockingbird Lane ?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."
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The old lady suggested, " Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
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"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
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The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
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The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
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The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
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Old Jan 5th 2010, 8:13 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, but a mix up in the afterlife paperwork sends them to the wrong places: the Pope goes to hell and Bill goes to heaven. After a couple of days they fix this problem and the Pope gets on the escalator to go to heaven and Bill gets on the other to go to hell.
The two pass each other on the way and Bill asks, "How bad was it down there?"
The Pope says, "Not that bad, kind of hot and noisy, but I am glad to be going up to heaven now. There's one thing up there I have been looking forward to."
Bill asks, "What is that?"
The Pope replies, "I want to meet the Virgin Mary."
Bill, shakes his head sheepishly and whispers to the Pope, "Too late."

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Old Jan 5th 2010, 8:43 pm
  #1493  
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Happy New Year
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Old Jan 12th 2010, 4:04 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

Subject: Maths

A business man operating a store in a small town in Maine received an invoice for two month's supply of merchandise.
Knowing that his clerk was a graduate of the University of Maine, he called her into his office and asked her, "If I gave you $20,000 minus 14% how much would you take off.
She looked at him for a moment and said,
"Everything but my earrings!"

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Old Jan 12th 2010, 4:05 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

Which three English League teams have swear words in their name?
1) Arsenal.
2) Scu*nthorpe United.
3) Manchester Fuc*king United.

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Old Jan 12th 2010, 4:08 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

As I mature

As I mature I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just ass*holes.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place!

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

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Old Jan 12th 2010, 4:08 pm
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News just in......

It has been announced today that the Reverand Ian Paisley has been killed in a road accident. No other car was involved; he simply drove off the road and hit a tree......

.....the IRA said they planted it

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Old Jan 12th 2010, 4:10 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

An old woman is going up in a lift in a very Iavish department store when a young, beautiful woman gets in, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly: 'Romance by Ralph Lauren, £100 a bottle.'

Then another young woman gets in the lift, She also turns to the old woman and says snootily, 'Chanel No 5, £150 a bottle.'

A few floors later, the old woman has reached her destination. As she gets out, she looks both woman in the eye, then turns round, bends over and farts, saying: 'Brussel sprouts, 25p a pound.'

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Old Jan 12th 2010, 4:11 pm
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The Labour cabinet went off on a coach trip to Sandringham. While driving in the narrow lanes of Norfolk, the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local Bobby came lolloping along, saw the crashed bus and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone. He told him he had buried them.
The police officer said, "Cor blarst me! Were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer, "It's loike this bor, some of 'em said they weren't but yew know what lying bast*ards politicians are."

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Old Jan 12th 2010, 4:12 pm
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Default Re: Bit of fun

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can`t swim. Please save her. I`ll give you a hundred dollars."
The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where`s my hundred dollars?"
The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

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