Nope not even a Plastic paddy laugh,,, but this does @ about 1min 20 secs till the end.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z4Y4keqTV6w

I was in the supermarket last week and some guy shoved a leg of lamb up his jumper. The security guard went "Oi, what are you doing with that?"
The guy went "Roast potato's, yorkshire puddings and carrots!"

I can't be arsed, if you think it's funny... i'm sure it's shite

I bought my wife a bag and a belt for Christmas.

She wasn't happy, but at least the Hoover works now.

Man buys his wife a car "I don't like it" she says " I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 3 secs" He comes back with the bathroom scales and says "stand on that then chubs"

Guess who I bumped into at the optician's?

Everyone.

The bear facts

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...


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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And then the fight started...

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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'

And then the fight started...

Only Fools and Horses.

Del, Trigger and Mike are in The Nag's Head trying to convince Rodney that there are people worse off.

Del Never give up on people, Rodney. I know that most of the time they don't seem to understand. But when you're in trouble and you cry out for help, some will always be there. Trigger's cousin Cyril's a perfect example. He owed 500 quid on his mortgage.
Trigger They were gonna be thrown out on the street the following day. he was very worried about it.
Mike So what happened Trig?
Trigger He drove out to Beachy Head. Parked about five foot from the edge of the cliff.
Albert What, he was gonna drive off it?
Trigger Yeah! He just sat there for a couple of hours, his head resting on the steering wheel. People tried to talk to him out of it but he was too depressed to listen.
Del But then, and this is the what I mean about people, Rodney, they had a whip-round and got him his 500 quid.
Rodney No! Who held the whip-round?
Del All the passengers on the bus.

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
''But how will I let you know the baby is born?'' she asked.
He replied, ''Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses.''
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, ''Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means.''
The doctor said, ''Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.'' Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest, so the wife picked up the card and read, ''Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'''

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People-- Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Your underwear is $9.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Hahahahaha!!!!!! Love it!!!

I like those ones

A man checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought, ‘I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you’re calling for a taxi.’ He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique.
He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures what the heck, I’ll give her a call.


“Hello,” the woman says.

Wow, she sounded sexy.

“Hi. I hear you give a great massage and I’d like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait; I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?”

She says, “That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.”