Who fancy's sharing their jokes on this thread? I could do with a good laugh!!

Let's see how many we can get!!

I'll start:

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize you need to fart.

The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After

a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and

that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod.

Wrong forum perhaps should be in The Maple Leaf.

Oops, my bad

I see a nice moderator has moved it.

Now for a joke.

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly
the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways,
I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said,
'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want'.

The Lord said, 'That request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach
the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!
It will nearly exhaust several natural resources.
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help
mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, 'Okay, I wish that I, and all men, could understand
our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking
when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she
means when she says 'nothing's wrong', and how I can make a
woman truly happy.'


And the Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?'

Nice one Steve!

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.

DEAR DESPERATE,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don’t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT instal Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

A duck walks into a bar.

Got any Bread?

Barman: No

Duck: Got any Bread?

Barman : No

Duck: Got any bread?

Barman: Ask me again and I will nail your f*****g beak to the bar you irritating b*****d of a bird....

Duck: Got any nails?

Barman: No

Duck: Got any bread?



made me laugh anyway

Terrorists have hidden bombs in hundreds of tins of Alphabetti Spaghetti.

If they go off it could spell disaster..........

Terrible!!

A woman gets on a bus holding her baby and as she is paying the driver looks at her and the kid and says "ma'am that has to be the ugliest baby I have ever seen! Yeechh!".

As she takes a seat, she turns to the man beside her and tells him the bus driver just insulted her. "That's outragious! the man said, "Go back up there and tell him off! Here let me hold your monkey".

This is the funniest thing I've seen this week.

**Warning ** Do NOT click this link if you're easily offended or if kids are looking at the screen

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQw4ixYFWQI

Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was
invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and
explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's
missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his
life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie.
Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a
cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have
20/20 vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be f****d if he needed
glasses'.

Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, 'Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today!'
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?"
Sally replied, "No... salty!"
Mom fainted.