I love it!! That had to be a setup though, no?

If I remember rightly the first 4 letters were accurate but not the last 5.

A guy goes into a bar after a business meeting in a far-off city. He notices a huge jar full of $10 bills.

He says to the bartender, "What's the story on the jar of tens?".

Bartender says, "You have to put a ten in there to find out".

"sure", he says, and puts a ten in.

The bartender tells him that whoever does the three things on the list can keep the whole jar!

What are the three things you ask?

First, you have to drink a bottle of pepper vodka in one gulp without making a face. Then, there is a pit bull in the back with a sore tooth. Pull it out. Last, there is an 80-year-old woman upstairs who has never been...uh...fulfilled as a woman. Your job, make her happy.

"NO WAY!", he says. That's disgusting!
.
Well, he has a few more drinks and gets his courage up and finally says to the bartender, "Aw, what the heck, I should at least give it at try".

So the bartender gives him the bottle of vodka. He downs it. It's hot and nasty but he doesn't make a face.

He wipes off his mouth with his sleeve and slurs at the bartender, "where's the dog?!" The bartender points out back.

THe man goes out the back door in a fury! We hear growling then we hear more growling and gnashing of teeth. Then we hear blood-curdling screaming and lots of howlling and barking. Just awful noises.

Then the man appears at the back door, his clothes are ripped, he's scratched and bloody from head to foot.

"All right!!", he says, "Where's that old lady with the sore tooth"!!!!!!!!!!!!

So it has been superimposed, the flaps part? And that's not the worst part either!!!

I had a great business plan; I was going to build bungalows for dwarfs. There was one tiny flaw.........



Did you hear about the man with 5 penises? His underpants fit like a glove.


I'll get my coat

A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect.

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephants trunk into his 'old Fella .

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.

As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful..

To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, 'That was incredible! Can you do that again?'

With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse'

Baby seal walks into a club...

It was a Canadian Club!


What Vera Lynn song did the Inuit's wife sing when he asked what was for dinner?

Whale meat again.

Love this one!!

Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?"

The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad you’re a penguin, doesn't it?"

Delivery man breaks down on the M4, so he flags down Paddy.

He says to him, ''I've got six monkeys in the back, I'll give you £100 if you take them to Bristol Zoo for me.''

Paddy agrees. Two hours later he sees Paddy driving the opposite way down the motorway with the monkeys still in the car!

He flags him down and shouts across, ''I thought I told you to take them to the Zoo?''

Paddy shouts back, ''I did, but I've £30 left so i'm taking them to the pictures.'

Teacher asks the class to make a sentence using the word 'dough'.

Little Jane raises her hand and says, ''In Italy they make pizza using special dough''.

''Very Good'' says teacher.

Little Mary raises her hand, ''My brother makes dinosaurs out of play dough''.

''Excellent'' says teacher.

Little Jimmy raises his hand, ''Our Mum says Dad is F**king useless so she has to use a dill dough''......

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk..

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped
dead.

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using
letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then
execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so
that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five
cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an
intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the
majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back
to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an
option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States,
leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because
you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary
cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and
market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a
month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine
productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade
your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of
Democracy....

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive

HER SIDE OF THE STORY :

He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought
it might have been my fault because I was a bit late
but he didn't say anything much about it. I don't
remember doing anything to make him upset, but I could
tell there was something wrong. The conversation was
quite slow going so I thought we should go somewhere
more intimate so we could talk more privately.

We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a
bit funny. I was getting really worried, what did I do?
What was bothering him? Was he mad at me? I tried to
cheer him up, but started to wonder what was bothering
him. Was it me or something else? I asked him if he
was upset with me, and he said no. But I wasn't really
sure.

So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I
said that I love him, and he just put his arm around me!
I didn't know what the hell that meant because, you know,
he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally got back
to his place and I was wondering if he was going to break
up with me! Why didn't he want to talk about this? So I
tried to ask him about it, but he just switched on the TV.
Why would he rather watch TV than talk to me?

Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to sleep, hoping he
would get the hint that I was upset and wanted to talk. I
was so hurt that he was out there watching TV while I was
in here going through emotional turmoil.

Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we had sex.
I thought that maybe he would open up after we shared an
intimate experience like that, but he still seemed really
distracted. So afterwards I just wanted to leave because
I was so upset, but I just cried myself to sleep. He
didn't even notice how upset I was! I don't know, I just
don't know what he thinks anymore. I don't know what to
feel anymore. I'm on emotional overload. I'm so confused.
I don't think he loves me anymore. Why does he have to
play mind games with me? I mean, do you! think he's met
someone else???



HIS SIDE OF THE STORY :

Bad week at work. Arsenal lost. Knackered.
Got a shag though.